Halloween; At least where I am

Bubble, bubble, toil and double. I’d better have candy there’ll be trouble. Yep, it’s Halloween in the USA, and that means the candy companies’ profits will go sky-high selling smaller snacks folks give out to Trick or Treaters for much higher prices. Now, I don’t mind this tradition, but why is it that tinier goodies cost so much more than their big brothers? I spend more on give-away candies this one time of the year, than I spend for myself all year round. Maybe I should invest in sweets. I would but the chocolate futures are milky. Some might even say dark. I mean, I could end-up singing, “Nobody knows the truffles I’ve seen.”

Okay, that’s enough of that. I should PUN-ished for those last remarks. Anyway, for those of you who don’t know, the tradition around here is for the kids to dress-up in costumes and mooch candy from the neighbors for two hours. The winner is the one who gets the most. I’m not sure what the prize is these days, but when I was a kid, the winner got his very own stomach-ache and an all-expense-paid trip to the dentist.

Traditions

In my housing complex there is a secondary tradition for the adults. If you’re a parent taking your kids around, instead of a goodie-bag, you carry a shot-glass. So, when your kids pick up candy, you and the home-owner, each take a shot of whatever alcoholic beverage they’re serving. By six-thirty you’re wandering the streets drunk while your kids are running amuck in a sugar rush. I mean, what could go wrong? Of course, November first is called All Souls Day, and was probably named because folks were seeing strange things, or bent over the toilet wishing they were dead.

Actually, I’m never home on All Hallows Eve, and my oldest son is responsible for taking cake of the little monsters, and the trick-or-treaters too. My friends and I have a long-standing tradition for the scariest of nights; We get together and watch old ‘B’ horror movies from the 1950’s. We laugh so hard, and not at the movies themselves. What amuses us the most is the great question; How could have anyone ever taken these movies seriously? Even back then? Giant ants, super snails, scorpions the size of a house, or a thirty-foot-tall woman looking for her husband. These are the things we watch, and every time we lose more brain cells. The real problem is, they all have the same story, they just change the location, and what’s destroying the world that day.

Several movies review all at once

Mostly they all start out with Dr. Bob talking with his beautiful assistant Mary. Then one of two things happen. Either Bob tries an experiment with Isotope-456, and it goes horribly wrong, or we find out they’ve been testing nuclear devices nearby. Anyway, for the next forty-five minutes, Bob and Mary find out there have been several mysterious disappearances. Bob says, “Hmmm,” and takes off his glasses. Why? Who knows? But he can’t go on with the movie unless he does this.

Next there comes a point when they find the giant monster, and Mary screams. It’s usually a pretty good scream. The camera man gets a real nice close-up of Mary’s screaming face. Dr. Bob grabs her out of the way of the monster, being sure not to touch her in any way which could be deemed inappropriate. This was the 1950’s after all.

After the scream, we find out just how bad the situation is, as the couple enters a town with no people. They’re first assumption is the monster has eaten everyone. Frankly, I would have assumed there was a great sale at Walmart. At least I would’ve checked their parking lot before panicking, but they don’t. Who knows why? Maybe the director was running out of film?

Either way, Bob decides he’s going to fix the situation. He sets up a lab and gets to work. Invariably there is one thing he needs he doesn’t have, so Mary must go out alone to get it. This is the suspenseful part. Now there are countless reasons for this, but suddenly Mary’s car stalls out. Again, with her hanging out with a smart guy like Bob, you’d think she’d keep it gassed up. Then again, she’s a woman in the 1950’s so she doesn’t know about such things. Of course, she gets out of the car, never thinking about the infestation of deadly giant whatever’s, because as a woman she’s really not qualified to think rationally. I’m glad I live today. I would have a serious problem with all those helpless women. It makes you wonder what happened to make girls so much smarter in just sixty years. But I digress.

As Mary is wandering around aimlessly, she is grabbed by the monster. Bob rushes out with his impossible invention and saves her. This is amazing, because the invention wasn’t supposed to work without whatever Mary was sent to get. Apparently, he didn’t need it in the first place and was just getting rid of Mary. Probably, because he wasn’t planning to make any babies, or clean the house at that particular time. I am so glad I didn’t live back then.

Yes I am being judgy

So, Bob saves Mary, then turns his invention on the rest of the town and the world is saved. Bob is a hero, but is he really. If it wasn’t for Bob’s mistake there wouldn’t be any giant whatever’s in the first place. Personally, I’d be forming a posse to have Bob arrested for all the folks who died for his stupid mistake. Ohh sure, you can say he fixed his mistake. Whoop Dee Doo! I make mistakes, take responsibility, and fix them all the time at work. The thing is, no towns are destroyed when I do. The movie has it all wrong. Bob is not a hero, he’s a brainy idiot, and should be shot.

Mary, on the other hand, is just an innocent bystander. She made no mistakes and only tried to help. She’s the hero. She braved the monsters without the aid of the impossible invention, and would probably gotten out of trouble without Bob’s help. Women are like that; resourceful.

And what about the animals

Another thing which bothers me is there is never any disclaimer at the beginning of these movies. “No giant mutated creatures were harmed in the making of this picture.”  I mean, who knows. Maybe they were, and the ASPCA should be notified. The slugs or whatever never asked to be mutated. In fact, I bet they were never even consulted. The producer probably just went to the store, bought some slugs, and mutated them into giant monsters, without so much as a, “How do you do” I’m also willing to bet those poor creatures weren’t compensated for their suffering, which is slug slavery by the way. They were likely just assonated at the end of filming. No Muss, No Fuss!

Conclusion (even though you didn’t want it)

Yes, I realize I’m judging movies that were made seventy years ago, and can’t be unmade. But perhaps if we look at our past mistakes, we can make tomorrow better. Besides, the movies of today are unwatchable, so I can’t rate those.