The before picture

When I was young, I had a bike. It was green with twenty-six-inch wheels. That’s sixty-six-centimeters for all those folks who don’t live in the US. Even bigger than the wheels of racing bikes they use in Olympics. Once again, proving that Mr. Ohh! is better. Better at what? I don’t know, but better none the less.

Bikes are great when you’re a kid, you can go places, without asking for a ride. However, I must admit, ticking off my parents asking for rides was a lot more fun. Bikes mean freedom, while you’re wishing to be as free as an adult. Then you become an adult, realize you were a heck of a lot freer as a kid, but by then it’s too late. So, you drink beer and post online about how great it used to be. Actually, that’s a lot like what I’m doing now, except smarter because I’m Mr. Ohh!

An ugly picture

Be that as it may, when you grow up, most of us trade in our bikes for cars. Cars have four wheels, and aren’t used in the Olympics. Unless they’ve added an event I don’t know about. Even then, it would be something like tossing a Fiat 500 for distance, rather than driving. I wonder what factory extras would be included include in this car. I mean you really don’t need power-windows, locks, and an expensive sound system when you’re just throwing the thing across the yard. Then again, good music might enhance the audience experience. But I digress.

The thing about riding a bike versus driving a car is maintenance. When I rode my bike, I could fix it myself. I tightened the spokes, adjusted seats, and fixed flat tires. If the chain fell off, I knew how to put it back on. Then again, considering the number of times the chain actually fell off, I may not have been as good as I thought I was. However, the point is; I knew how.

Back to before

When I started driving a car I learned some basic stuff, about that as well. I learned on my father’s 1968 Impala. I’m not quite sure how this happened, but somehow this car was built before there was pollution, and also sometime before gasoline was flammable. Who knew?

Anyway, as I understand it, gas became flammable, and consequently folks stopped smoking around the pumps. Great idea if you ask me. Also, scientists discovered pollution. Apparently, flammable fuels make more of it than non-flammable. I’m not a scientist, but I guess that makes sense. Either way, when this happened, cars started getting confusing.

In the before time, my dad’s impala had an engine under the hood. Now, cars have hoses wires, computers, controls, sensors of all kinds, and a racoon where the engine used to be. Don’t ask about the racoon, but without going into too much detail: Boy! Was he mad!

Returning to after

I’m not sure what they did with the engine. Maybe, flammable gas doesn’t need one. But I can’t find any engines under the hood of my new car. Therefore, my knowledge went right out the window, and I had to hire a mechanic.

Hiring a mechanic is like… Well, hiring anybody else. You thought I was going to have some creative metaphor, didn’t you? Sorry, there’s really nothing else quite like it. It’s all trial and error.

For a while I had a personal friend helping out. He only charged, parts and beer. Very reasonable, but my car had to break-down on his schedule, or else it could be down for days. I went to one guy I couldn’t stand to talk to, but he was great with cars. One guy I hired was just the friendliest man, but never did the job right. Heck, getting married was easier!

 I even tried asking for recommendations from a friend of my wife’s. The thing is, every time I decided to go with one of her guys, she changed. Talk about giving somebody a feeling of insecurity.

A sad state on things

Be all this as it may, there is one constant with all auto repair shops; There is never anything with the car when you take it in. What’s wrong is some sensor, or another, went bad. And the thing with the sensors is, the car won’t run without them.

You heard right. The engines are fine, but the sensors which monitor those engines can’t be trusted. How many times have I gone in, only to hear, “The nitrous carbon thingy-doodle, which monitors your emissions is giving a false hit. I have to change it, for a cost of only one bazillion dollars.”

When I ask why, I’m usually told I’ll be personally responsible for destroying civilization as we know it, if I don’t. I don’t want Armageddon and anarchy, on my hands, so I always let them do the job.

Painting a clear picture

Also, it’s not just the complicated sensors that are the problem. Recently, the car was giving a gas tank error. I noticed the cap was loose, and thought that might be it. It wasn’t. The error persisted. I took it in, and found out, if the sensor registers an error, the car’s computer in continues to give an error even after the sensor hit is long gone. It wants me to start the car seven times to make sure it’s not gonna give it again. I’m not starting a car seven times if I think there’s something wrong with the gas tank. I’m not crazy.

Okay I am, but not when it comes to having a car burst into flames. Speaking of flames; I once had a car burst into flames after I had driven it for four hours. I asked the car guy, how this could happen? I was informed, the wiring overheated, and there’s no sensor on that. I’m no genius, but don’t you think the sensors should be preventing explosions? Instead of telling me my car isn’t running at peak efficiency? I’m quite sure a less efficient engine never killed anyone. Explosions do that.

Picture this

Next, we have to ask, where do all those sensors connect? They go straight to a computer which compiles, translates, and evaluates them. Now a complex computer, with all that input, should be able to output a good deal of data. Not in your car. Theirs is one output. The Check-Engine light. When that light is on, it could indicate hundreds of problems. None of which signaling your car may explode. Okay, now I’m just being bitter, but it’s true.

That light could mean anything. Most of which have nothing with the engine. When I saw it the first time, I got out of the car, opened the hood, and checked the engine. It was still there. No problem as far as I could see. Look, the oil-light means check the oil. Same with the gas-light, the battery-light, and the open-door light. Maybe there should be a racoon-under-the-hood light, but like the hot wiring, there’s no light for this either.

Are you getting the picture?

I’ve come to the conclusion that we don’t need better cars. They work fine. They should start making better sensors. And start looking for racoons.

As I said, it was not pretty.