Another Disclaimer

I usually don’t put up posts which could be considered a sequel to another post. However, circumstances dictate that I present the return of Lester Greenbaum. Two-weeks ago, I told you of Lester’s super-power; The ability to screw up electronics simply by walking into the room. If you missed it you can look up my post, “And It Showed So Much Promise” to get the scoop. Although, I can’t understand how you could possibly have missed it. I know you’re hanging on every word here. Right? Don’t answer that.

Remember, the story you’re about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the fact that I don’t remember the real ones. I was a witness to the event, and even I don’t believe it. Now, some of you will probably say I’m embellishing. Well, I never embellish. Mostly, because I don’t know what it means. Either way, here’s my story.

Off to the store

Lester is a customer of mine. Last week, while doing my dutiful schmoozing, I took him to lunch. As we were returning to the office, he asked if we could stop at a large store to pick up a small item. I won’t mention the name of the store because they consistently refuse to pay to sponsor me. Yes, I am bitter. Take that Mr. Sam Walton, and all your millions. Oops, I think I just told.

Anyway, we went into the store. Les picked out an item for twelve-something. We went to a self-service register to expedite our exit. Now, I hate those registers, because the lines for them are usually just as long as the staffed ones, I often can’t find the bar codes so it takes me longer, and frankly I’m lazy. But it was Lester’s item. Also, if I ever said anything derogatory, it might make him angry enough to pull his account. I’d end up working at that very same retail store. Therefore, we went to self-check.

We really wanted to pay

The total for the item and tax was thirteen-fifty. Lester put a ten in the reader and then a single. The single came back and the screen said, “Unreadable.” He straightened the bill and tried it again. The result was the same. I told him I had a five to take care of the rest, but Les insisted he had lots of singles and wanted to get rid of them. I was fearful. His curse was rearing its ugly head. I searched for the four-leaf-clover I carry whenever I come within a kilometer of him. You know, just in case.

He tried another single. It too was spit back out. I grabbed my good-luck-charm tighter and hoped. The third bill went in successfully. So, I released it slightly. It was then that all electronic hell broke loose.

A message popped up on the screen, “Call Attendant.” We wondered, why? It took his eleven dollars, why should the attendant need to make an appearance? Well, we called the attendant over, and she pushed a series of buttons. A short receipt printed, informing her that we put eleven dollars into the machine. Gosh, that was totally amazing that she knew. Sadly, it was a bit anticlimactic, because we already told her that. The woman pondered for a moment, then pushed the same buttons again. Again, it said what we’d paid, and nothing else. Frankly, this not-so-new information was not well received. What we wanted to know was how to pay the remaining three-dollars, and leave.

Obligatory famous person quote

Albert Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over, and expecting different results.” If that’s the case this woman was definitely insane. She tried the same button configuration three more times. And guess what? The same thing happened! It spit out a little tag saying what Les paid and went no further. Now, who could’ve guessed that? Ohh, I don’t know; Maybe everyone!

Next Lady One called Lady Two over. She came by and pressed the same buttons all over again. You know what happened? Nothing! Well actually something did happen. Les was getting quite a collection of little papers saying he paid eleven dollars. Nothing else.

Lady Two then determined that the paper had run out. I don’t see the logic in this conclusion? Every time anyone pressed the buttons, more paper came out. Either way, she popped open the machine. Low and behold, there was an entire roll of paper. I’m so surprised. NOT!

Sadly it’s the store that’s off

However, this action did yield a new result. The screen now read, “Cash Acceptor Off-Line. Set for Credit Only?” Wait? The cash-acceptor is off line? Who would’ve thought that? I’ll tell you who. Les, me, and probably every other person with half a brain. Duh! If it had been on-line the money would be in it, and we would be gone. Ten minutes ago. But no! For some reason, we needed Lady Two to tell us this.

Lady Two, informed us there was nothing else she could do. She efficiently got on the walkie-talkie and called Lady Manager. Lady Manager wasn’t so efficient. It took her better than five minutes to get to us. When she did, I’m not kidding, she pressed the same button combination ladies One and Two tried. Surprise, surprise, she got a little piece of paper saying Les paid eleven dollars. Then she opened the machine to check the paper again. Amazing!

Wow, their training program must be really great. They certainly know how to do the button thing. It doesn’t work, but they’re trained to do it. I don’t know if it works in other circumstances, and maybe Les’s power is really strong, but perhaps somebody should come up with additional training. You know, just in case.

Taking indecisive action

Manager One stood for a minute then took action. She mumbled she didn’t have keys, and walked away. We were told to wait for her to come back. It took almost ten-minutes for her return. She returned with Manager Two in tow. Manager Two had keys. A whole bunch of keys. It took her a full two minutes to sort through them, to find the right one.

When she did, she opened the cash acceptor and ran it through its paces. She looked for possible paper jams by flipping a bunch of flaps. She flipped each flap two or three times just to make sure. Man, these ladies are thorough. Not, imaginative, but thorough. Of course there was no jam. The power of Les is unbelievable.

Simple solutions made difficult

After all this, M-One did come up with an idea. She had M-Two look in the holding bin. And sure enough, there was eleven dollars in there. Now I consider myself highly intelligent, but I would think what happened next would be fairly simple. I suggested they just give Les his eleven bucks back. Easy Peasy, right? Not so much.

M-One and M-Two had to discuss it. We’d been waiting over twenty minutes and they had to mull it over for a while longer. Geez!

In the end Les got his cash back and we left. Sadly, he did not get his item. He asked if I would stop at another place, and well… Let’s just say my answer can’t be printed here.