Traditionally I…

The holiday season is about traditions. One of my traditions is that I never kill my children, pets, or anyone else for that matter, during holiday time. I’m proud to say, up to this point, I have kept this honored tradition alive. Although, I will admit, it’s very early in this season, and every year gives us a new opportunity to give into temptation. Also, this year I found a very good recipe for rabbit stew. So, we’ll see how it goes.

Another of my traditions is, I go to the bookstore during the week of Thanksgiving to pick my supply of winter reading, before Santa, and the crowds arrive. This year I was shocked. In the front of the store was a large display of hard cover books for kids to read and learn the backstory of several Disney villains. The worst part was it was emptying fast. People, were actually buying these sacrilegious books.

It’s villainous

What’s wrong with those people? Villian’s don’t need a backstory. They’re the bad guys. We’re supposed to hate them. We’re supposed to cheer when they fall from a high place and turn to dust. This happens quite frequently in Disney movies. The hero never kills the baddie. The final battle just always seems to take place in a high tower, and that scoundrel falls to his or her doom. End of story. Everyone’s happy, and Prince Charming never gets his butt hauled off to jail for murder. It’s clean. It’s tried and true. It’s monotonous, and boring, but it works. The bad-guy is gone, and the princess lives happily ever after.

Look, I understand all these books had to be written by someone. I don’t fault the writers for being successful. It’s just that, if you want to turn a villain into a sympathetic character, create a new villain. Don’t use the ones we already hate.

I don’t want to know that Capt. Hook had a sad childhood. I don’t care if Maleficent had bad acne, and couldn’t play with the other fairies. Keep Gaston’s pet tarantula’s death to yourself. These folks were created to be hated. Sure, if Cruella Deville was a real person, I’d feel terrible about her being made fun of, for her strange hair color, on the school playground. But she’s not and I don’t.

The problem is, this trend has been going on for quite some time. The worst of it happens around this time of the year. Everybody, and the horse they rode in on, is trying to tell me Santa’s back story, and what really goes on at the north pole. The thing is none of them agree on anything. Let me give you some examples.

Get your story straight

Elves make toys, right? Well, maybe not. In the movie, Rise of The Guardians, elves are silly stupid creatures, and yetis make the toys. Now the north pole is a big operation, but in the old Rankin-Bass television special, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, there are only six elves in total. All of them men, and overseen by some mysterious old lady called Tanta Kringle. So, either there are a lot of elves, or just a few, which may or may not make toys. Well, that’s as clear as mud.

In the new movie, Red One, there aren’t any elves at all. The whole north pole complex is filled with various mythical creatures who, oddly enough, all speak English and help Santa with his rounds. Look, I respect the creative process, but c’mon folks let’s get on the same page here. This is a thousand plus-year-old story, I would think we could agree on it by now.

I mean, most people love Shakespeare. Right? We never take issue with Romeo and Juliet being dead. Nobody’s saying they actually moved to Bermuda and are currently selling T-shirts on the beach.

Then again, Shakespeare wrote this play in 1593. If those two set up shop when they ran away, I’m quite sure it would have been snapped up by some corporate giant by now. Probably in a bloody hostile takeover. I mean Willie tells us the Montagues were successful merchants. Remember too, back then Bermuda was populated by indigenous natives. It goes without saying R&J Enterprises would have been solidly entrenched in the market. The couple’s grandchildren would have fought hard to stay afloat. How’s that for a backstory? Pretty good except it’s several miles away from my point.

If not straight, then lessed curved

The point is; Backstories are silly and unnecessary. Look at Dr. Seuss’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas. The Grinch hates holidays, feasting, and group singing. Suddenly, he finds the true meaning of Christmas, his heart expands, his eyes turn from red to blue, and he becomes super-Grinch. All this happens without him wearing tights or a cape. Frankly, I’m thinking those Who’s were dealing in illegal radioactive substances, and some of the stuff was stashed ten-thousand feet up the side of Mt. Crumpet. Just like the stories in Marvel Comics.

Anyway, that’s the story. Sadly though, Hollywood wasn’t satisfied with all that. They recreated the story focusing on the Grinch’s past; No love as a child, a glandular issue causing him to grow too much hair, and an unsatisfied love affair. Why is it always a bad love affair? Can’t those movie people come up with anything else?

Either way, it’s an un-needed back story. Seuss’s story is about Christmas redemption, not about being sad and living on a garbage heap. Let the story be. Seuss didn’t need the Grinch’s personal history. I don’t see why Hollywood does.

It’s all so random

Of course, all these holiday histories are random. Take Rudolf for example. He was born in 1939. His story was published in a book for The Montgomery/ Ward department store. Since then, his story has been told in movies, television and song over twelve times. Good for him but what about the others?

We learned Santa had eight specific reindeer in 1823 with Clement Moore’s tale, A Visit from St. Nicolas. Their names are clearly spelled out. Although, the big man has been associated with reindeer and sleigh from as far back as AD 280. What about their stories? Did Santa catch them and then domesticate wild reindeer? Perhaps he drove them into service by threatening their families. Nobody exposes this tragic tale.

Then there’s the great mystery of Donder. In German, this name means Thunder. That’s a pretty great reindeer name. Why did Donder suddenly became Donner in the early nineteen hundreds? As in the ill-fated Donner Party. Is good Saint Nick harboring a cannibalistic reindeer? Maybe, maybe not! We just don’t know.

Plus, were the eight deer we all know, the only sleigh team Santa ever had? If not, who are all the previous deer? You know, the ones lost to history, like Stuart Sutcliffe and Pete Bess, original bassist and drummer for the Beatles. No! I don’t think those two guys were eaten; I can’t say the same about reindeer. History tells us reindeer are pretty tasty. Santa could’ve had some lean years, and well…

These are the stories I want to know. Not rehashes of the same ones I hear all the time.

Hey Hollywood, are you listening?