Thinking

I’ve concluded that there are two types of people in this world; Those who think like me, and those who probably should, because their lives would be a whole lot better if they did. I’m not saying everything I think is correct. It’s not. Everything I think is warped. We need more warped thinking. Don’t believe me? Look at history.

But still wondering

Take coffee for example. Not Tea. Tea makes sense. You put herbs in boiling water and drink it. This is potion making, and most cultures have been doing it for thousands of years. Coffee is different. There are way too many steps for it not to be warped. You think I’m full of beans. Right? Although, probably not coffee beans. Either way, let me tell you about it.

Coffee comes from berries. People never eat these berries. In fact, very few animals even eat them. They taste terrible. Sure, there are bugs which eat the leaves, but not the berries. Now, did we look at these berries, say yuck, and leave them alone? Of course not. Early man said, “Hmm, they taste awful but what if I scrape the meat off and chomp the seed?” That tastes worse. But did we stop? No, we took that seed, roasted it in a fire, picked out the burnt ones, and tried again. This was better but still too much. Consequently, these early, warped thinking, humans ground up those beans, made a potion, and then drank it. This might have been okay. I like black coffee. Sadly though, we didn’t stop there. We put milk and sugar in it to make it more palatable.

Today, coffee is the world’s most popular drink. It’s all over T-shirts, slogans, and the media, but it’s still barely palatable for most people. Consequently, coffee houses have been trying for years, putting different stuff into it to make it perfect. But no, we’re still searching for a better cup. We drink gallons of the stuff, but we don’t like it. That’s warped thinking. If we ever started thinking clearly, the coffee industry would tank.

This part is cheezy

Then there’s cheese. Almost everyone loves cheese in one form or another. But what is it? Truth be told all it is, is rotten cream. This being said, folks all over the world are searching for better bacterium to improve the rotting process. How much sense does that make? It’s undeniably warped.

The thing is it’s still cream. Cream is food for infant mammals. After a mammal is weaned, they never go back to it. Well, all of them but us. We never let it go. Can you imagine a five-star bistro putting Gerber Mashed Squash on the menu beside the filet minion? No, you can’t! But we still love our fromage and Roquefort. These are just fancy French words for cheese.

An even more warped thing is, many adults can’t even digest cheese. Our systems abandoned that ability years ago. But do we say, “Ohh Darn!” and stop? Perish the thought. We look to science to create meds. Do people think they can recapture their youth, by digesting dairy? Well, I guess it’s cheaper than plastic surgery.

It’ll be all right

Right now, you might be thinking, “Why is this guy insulting everything I love?” Then again you might not be, but let’s keep going on the assumption that you are. It’ll save a lot of time. Now that we’re all on the same page let me tell you all something; I don’t mean to insult things you love. Keep loving all of them. What I’m saying is it took warped thinking, not clear science to get all this stuff.

Think about this; In ancient Egypt science created beer. These first attempts had a thick sludge on the bottom of the containers and a putrid, smelly foam skimming the top. Nasty, nasty, nasty! Science would have thrown this crap away. Happily, for all modern beer drinkers, the warped thinkers created the straw. This provided a way for Egyptian drunkards to sip the tasty beer between two layers of garbage. Look it up, if you don’t believe me.

In conclusion, we need less clear concise intelligence, and more warped thinking. This is why I love the holiday season. There is more warped thinking at this time of the year than at any other. You can’t miss it.

What we truly need

Take the shopping season for instance. Unofficially, it starts the day after American Thanksgiving. As a result, the day is called Black Friday. Personally, my warped mind would call it Green Friday considering all the money that changes hands. But let’s not go into that.

Black Friday is one day, pure and simple. If you plan to have a sale on that day, great. Sadly, this ‘day’ sale can last a very long time. I needed things in late October and got them for a ‘Black Friday’ price. A full month before the actual day.

Then, on the actual day, stores had even better sales. These sales have no name, owing to the fact that they’re different from the Black Friday prices. Subsequently, this great sales day is celebrated for thirty-plus days, except on the actual day.

And more of it

Then there’s Cyber-Monday. This takes place three days after Black-Friday. In theory, after your feet are tired from all that shopping, this day is set aside to sit back, rest, forget the crowds, have a cup of your favorite beverage, and shop online. As if you didn’t spend all you cash over the last month. Luckily, you can only use credit cards over the internet.

As if that’s not warped enough, this lovely Monday usually lasts for a whole week. I’m not sure why Friday goes on for a month and Monday is so much shorter. I guess, Mondays are never as good as Fridays. Besides, you can’t get your picture taken with Santa while you’re sitting at your computer, in your pajamas. But I digress.

our love for dead things

Another warped thing, is the purchasing of dead trees. All year long we love trees. We visit them in parks. We plant them on Earth Day. We spend hours sitting under them, so we can kill biting and stinging insects. We love trees. Then suddenly in the winter we kill one, and pay for the privilege. I would think the Arbor Day Foundation would have something to say about this. But no.

Of course, most of the time we have someone else kill our trees. We happily go to a lot of already dead trees, pick one out, and take it home. Next, we put it in water and try to keep it alive. If our dog happens to drink this water, we get upset because our tree will die, even though it’s already dead.

Frankly, I love this tree tradition. Warped thinkers never have conventions like scientists. Every day I look at my tree and commune with all the other warped thinkers around the world. I do have to have a cup of peppermint hot chocolate at these times. Remembering that mint oil and cacao, are both natural pesticides. Google it.

Ahh this wonderful season. A time to drink poison, look at dead trees, and try to figure out how long a day really is.