What’s going on

An interesting thing has been happening lately. I keep getting phone calls from folks who want to buy my house. Now, I never asked if anyone wanted to buy my house. It’s not on the market as far as I know. In point of fact, I live in my house, and would like to keep doing so. I am seriously going to have to check with the dog.

Why the dog, you ask? Because the dog is a weak-willed stool pigeon and will tell me anything if the treat’s big enough. I honestly don’t think the dog listed the house for sale. He’s not ambitious enough. But the honest fact is, if there’s a con going around, he knows about it.

The animals are against me

I’m betting it’s either the rabbit, the lizard, or my daughter who actually set up the listing. For once, I think the cat is completely innocent. The cat loves this house. It has everything a cat could want; A litter box, A sunny spot to sleep, A staff of servants who feed it and clean up after it, and its own personal living scratching post. (That would be me)

Besides, cats rarely concern themselves with money. I mean who needs cash when you have claws. Claws are better than the ultimate American Express card. Cats only need to show their claws to some unsuspecting human and they get anything they want. Also, with claws, you never have to pay the bill. Again, she just brings them out, everyone shows a wide-eyed fear in their eyes, and the debts just vanish. Now there’s a commercial slogan I’d like to see; Claws! What’s in your wallet? Heck, my cat doesn’t even carry a wallet. But I digress.

I first went to my daughter and asked her if she listed the house for sale. She denied it, and I believe her. Frankly, that’s not really her character. Setting up a torture chamber in the basement is more her style. A few screams later, she gets all the benefits of home-ownership without those pesky bills. It’s a lot like the cat. On second thought, I probably shouldn’t have mentioned this so openly. She may not have thought of it yet. Ohh Well! If you stop hearing from me suddenly, please call the cops.

Either way, I’m betting it’s the rabbit and lizard who started the process. Think about it; They can live outside without a problem. They sell the house underneath us, put the money in some hard-working investments. Then retire to a warmer climate, dig out a nice hole, then buy carrots, fruit, and assorted vegies with the monthly interest payments. It’s a sound financial strategy.

It’s not just me

Anyway, you can imagine my surprise, when my neighbor told me he’s been getting the same calls from purchasers, trying to get his house. And he doesn’t even own a rabbit. In fact, it seems there have been several companies canvasing my whole housing complex in an attempt to buy our homes. The problem is they refuse to take “No!” for an answer.

Every day I get two or three calls or texts, asking if I would sell. My question is; If I sell them the house, where am I supposed to live? They never talk about that. It’s not their problem. They don’t care if I’m living in a box, as long as I accept their offer. Although, I’m betting they’ll want to know the corner I’m sleeping on, just in case the need to verify the furnace warranty, or need to charge me for repairing the escape tunnel the rabbit’s been digging.

I should not take these

I recently took one of those calls, so I could ask about this. It started with the lady asking if I was the owner. When I said yes, she immediately gave me an amount they would pay for my home. Next, she indicated that it could be more, if I let them look at the place. All this business was done before I even had the chance to say, “Hello”

They never told me who they were, or why they wanted my house. Just one great big, “Do you want to sell?” That’s a hard question to answer. I mean, they weren’t giving me any options. If I sold, where was I going to live? How long did I have to get out? Was I allowed to discuss it with my wife? What was going to happen to my prized tulip bulbs? (that’s a trick question. Deer ate those bulbs years ago) And lastly, was I required by law to inform the purchaser that the place is surrounded by an army of militant squirrels?

I needed these answers and a lot more so I told the lady to slow down. I waited a second, then told the lady I would sell. After another short pause, I continued with, “For a million dollars.” She became indignant, and told me my house wasn’t worth a million. I said, “I know that. I just wanted to see how badly you wanted the place.”

Think about it. I’m the one who’s going to have to pack up my stuff and move. I’m the one that’s going to go through all the trouble finding a new place, and buying it. I just figured I may as well make a nice profit. That’s what they were trying to do. It’s only fair.

Either way she made a frustrated noise, and hung up on me. Now, some of you may think that’s rude. I don’t. I love it when cold callers hang up on me. It gives me a warm feeling to know, I wasted their time, then dashed their hopes of making a commission. They wasted mine. I was only returning the favor. The thing is, it didn’t stop there.

Take 2

That call was from a company called, Somebody, His Brother, and Associates. The very next day I got another call from them. This time the opening line was, “Hi Mr. Ohh!. Are you still interested in selling you house? I’ve been authorized to give you a premium offer.” They told me what it was and I laughed. The offer was about twenty-thousand less than market value. I told the man that I was not interested in selling, using several words you won’t find in most dictionaries.

He had the nerve to question me. “I have a note here stating you made a counter offer the last time we called.” I laughed again. I guess he was right, I did say I would take a million. So, I asked, “Did you note happen to say just what my counter was?” He was sorry but that space on his computer was left blank.

I told him what I offered, and his reaction was exactly the same as the first lady. This time though he tried to convince me I was being unreasonable. He really didn’t have to. I knew I was being unreasonable right from the start. So there!

The call ended with both of us disliking the other, and I went back to my life. Sadly, just then, the phone rang with somebody else asking if I wanted to sell.

Boy did they get an earful!!!