I saw the sign

I was driving across town the other day and saw an amazing sign. Okay the sign wasn’t all that amazing. Actually, it was rather ordinary; White background with black block letters. It did have a cute red logo on the bottom. Well, I think the logo was cute, but I didn’t see it all that well. You see, I was driving pretty fast, and didn’t get a real good look at it. Then again, I find most logos cute. So, it’s a safe bet I’d think this one was too.

Now, I don’t want you all to start thinking, I find all white signs with black letters, which I barely even see, amazing. You might even be thinking, if I find these signs amazing, I need to get out more. Hey, don’t judge. I’ve seen some amazing signs as well as my share of boring ones. I’ve traveled extensively across the North American continent, and seen signs of all shapes and sizes.

It fell out of the sky

I once saw a sign, with a real airplane coming out of it. It was quite noticeable. It advertised; a radio station’s traffic broadcasts. Apparently, they use airplanes to monitor traffic patterns. Well, everyone does that, but not everyone has an astonishing billboard to advertise it. Thus, the dilemma; Should I listen to their broadcasts because they have an airplane sign? Or does the sign make their broadcasts better?

Either way, that sign seemed to me like a great feat of precision engineering. I mean, how many times did they have to crash an airplane into that sign to get it perfectly centered? Then again, it could’ve been a stroke of luck when the plane crashed into their sign? At that point things get confusing. Do you punish the pilot for the crash? Or, does he get a raise for being an advertising genius?

This was quite psychodellic

Another king of sign I like are the ones which look tie-dyed. I know how to tie-dye a shirt, and mistakes have been made. These signs are huge. What must it take to get those to look right. All that effort is really impressive. Then again, those almost always advertise cannabis sellers. So, perhaps they never felt the effort at all. If you catch my drift.

Here’s another interesting thought; Why are cannabis and tie-dye so closely linked? I mean, marijuana, and hemp, have been around for centuries. Tie-dye is only sixty or so years old. Also, there’s the fact, cannabis use makes the precise craft of tie-dying much more difficult.

Whatever the reason, the two are undoubtably linked. You never see marijuana advertised with folks wearing tuxedos, and tie-dye used to promote mortuaries. I’m not sure why. Tie-dye would make one heck of a funeral. But all this is beside the point. Perhaps, I’ve gotten a bit off the topic. You might remember I started all this mess with the ordinary, yet amazing, sign I saw. Let’s get back to that. Shall we?

Looking for some intelligence

First let me say, when I mentioned the extremely boring sign was amazing, I meant it was amazingly stupid. While I was driving too fast to see the cute logo very well, I was able to read the large block letters. It said, “Learn to skate like a Pro, at Skate_Ice.com” This is false advertising, and one of the silliest things I ever heard.

Now, I didn’t go to the site. Also, I’m not saying I’m always right. Okay, I take that back. I am saying I’m always right. But I’m also saying this sign is stupid. No one can learn to skate at a website! They can say all they want about techniques, correct postures, and leg movements. But, none of this matters, if you’ve never been on skates before. When that happens, you’re going to fall down. End of statement!

And not finding any

The pictures, statements, and videos never talk about falling. The only ones talking about that are blooper reels. Those are all about falls. The more spectacular the better. The issue is, no number of times you see world class athletes, bust their butts on the ice. will prevent you from going down as well.

Even if those sites could teach you anything, you have to wonder what style they’re teaching. Are they going more for figure skating or ice hockey? These are completely different. Figure skaters almost never punch out one another. Although I will admit, there’s rarely more than one of them on the ice at a time. We’ll never know what would happen if you put twelve of them out there all at once? I’ll bet if you ruined someone’s quadruple lutz a few times they’d grab a crooked stick and beat you down as well.

That should be in the penalty box

On the other hand, can you imagine hockey players zooming around in those adult onesies, with short little skirts? If they did, would the player have to do a camel spin before crossing the blue line? Hey, there’s lots of strange rules in the game. Would this one be all that different? Also, the way goalies have to squat in the net, you just know they’ll rip those super-tight, butt-hugging pants to shreds.

Another thing misleading about that sign was the time frame. They give no indication of how long learning will take. I’ve been skating for about thirty years now, and I’m okay at it. This simply means that I can put on skates, walk to the rink without breaking my ankles, avoid killing anyone else who happens to be on the ice, and being able to stop myself six out of ten times. Those other four times are when the soft walls come in very handy. Here’s the thing, my less than stellar ability comes from absolutely no lessons at all.

Signs of self improvement

Agreed, lessons may have helped me be a bit better. Sadly, it would have taken longer and cost a lot more cash for very little improvement. I’m a klutz!! That sign puts absolutely no stipulations, on how graceful you have to be. Skating requires some natural balance, and fluid movements. The skater needs to be confident, and aware of their surroundings. A padded backside, and good health insurance are also helpful. The stupid sign mentions none of these things. Nope! Just go online, and learn to skate.

Then again, perhaps you only learn virtual skating, not in an actual rink. I admit skating online would save your body lots of bruising, and emergency room visits. Face it, while you’re sitting at your desk, typing on the keyboard, very few walls appear out of nowhere for you to crash into. Also, if you should fall, chances are, you won’t be moving at fifteen miles-per-hour, on a slippery surface. Of course, if you hit the floor while virtual-skating, you’ve probably been drinking heavily. Which is something else you shouldn’t be doing on an icy surface.

Back to the source

With all this confusion, I decided I needed to be fair to the printer of that weird sign, and go back to look at it again. My dedication to providing the unbiased truth demanded it. You guessed it. I was all wrong. The red logo wasn’t cute at all.

Ohh, I was right about everything else!!

The Sign Is Nuts!!