Questions

Here’s a great ponderable question which no one besides the gutsy Mr. Ohh! has ever dared to ask: How pretty does one have to be to stop traffic? Of course this brings up an even greater question: How stupid does one have to be to walk out into moving traffic without looking?

As far as the first question, the answer is subjective. At my age, if a guy isn’t connected with a woman of the opposite sex, she could be halfway to ugly, and his brakes would be screeching. I have a single friend who’ll stop even if the girl is getting into a car with a buff guy holding the door. “Hey,” he says, “It could be her brother. You never know.”

To give equal time to you ladies, do you stop when you see a good-looking guy? I know, in general, women are much smarter than us. Way back when, a hint of an ankle would send men into a tizzy. If cars had existed back then, there’d have been a multi-car pile-up every three blocks. It’s a good thing long dresses and high button shoes were invented or else, men wouldn’t have brought home any bacon. I guess this might’ve been okay though. Because wives would’ve spent more time visiting hospitals than in the kitchen. But I digress.

How stupid is stupid

As far as the second question goes: You’d have to be pretty stupid. Thing is, people, both men and women, do this every day. Just the other day I was in a shopping center parking lot looking for an elusive parking space. Suddenly a woman walked between two parked cars and right in front of me. I hit the brakes. Luckily, the lady behind me was paying attention.

Sadly, her luck ran out as the car behind her smacked into her bumper. None of us were going all that fast, so no damage was done. The two of them just got out of their cars to look at her totally undamaged bumper. Unfortunately, a security guard arrived and acted like he was a real cop at a multi car pile-up on the freeway at rush hour. He took names, addresses, phone numbers, insurance information, hat sizes, and DNA from the leather their shoes were made of.

I of course, fled the scene. I didn’t want to be involved. How would I explain I stopped-suddenly, because some girl who had long ago walked away, stepped in front of me? With as over-zealous as that mall-cop was he’d probably have asked me to reenact the whole thing. And I would never be able to wiggle my butt the way she did hers.

Also, how would I explain to my wife, I was almost in an accident because a cute girl walked in front of my car? She’d never believe it. She knows I never look at other girls. Boy, have I got her snowed. Don’t tell her I said that.

Admittedly, the girl was cute. And while I might have glanced in her direction, I would never have stopped my car. She was good, but she wasn’t that good. All this brings us back to the two questions I started with.

Now this whole casual collision happened in front of a drug store. This fact is completely not important. The only reason I mention it, is because I didn’t really need to be there in the first place. I could have gotten my iced tea and candy bar anyplace. But I chose that shopping center on that specific day to perform my silly errand. If I hadn’t been there who knows what would have happened? Would the girl have had more time to cross the lot? Would the woman in the car have stopped so suddenly if she had seen the girl as I did? Then again, the lady might have been jealous of the girl’s butt-swishing abilities, and run her over. Who knows?

What I don’t know

What I do know is that I wouldn’t have known anything about the whole situation, because I wouldn’t have been there. That’s pretty cosmic when you think about it. Billions of things happen every day that we have no clue about. I once asked a policeman how many tickets he wrote in a day? You know, just to get a sense of the world around me. His very clever answer was, “Well, now it’s eighteen. Ha ha  ha!” Don’t ask! Yes, it happened, but it’s a thing you don’t need to know about. Moving on.

In fact, none of you would know about these wonderful Mr. Ohh! stories, if I didn’t tell you. Aren’t you glad I do? These cosmic words of wisdom and glorious tales of victory and heartache would be lost forever in the sands of time if I wasn’t right here. You’re welcome!

Then again, there can be too much knowledge. I’m speaking of course about celebrity gossip. I think I know more about Kaley Cuoco from The Big Bang Theory, than I know about my own Aunt Dora. Kaley’s all over the news, magazines, commercials, and probably a whale or two. You have to make sure everything in the ocean knows. Admittedly Dora wouldn’t look as good as Kaley does in a bikini. But I’m still related to her. Come to think about it, Dora in a bikini would make a really scary Halloween costume. But, yet again, I digress.

There’s a lot of it out there

Anyway, my point is, it boggles my mind how much happens in this world that I don’t know anything about. My grandfather passed away a while back and at the funeral folks were invited up to talk. I learned some amazing things about him from other folks that I would have never guessed.

Can you believe my grandfather was educated in the art of stealing chickens. Who knew? And frankly, who’d want to know? Yes, he was quite a country character, But I thought he was cool not a criminal.

Respect your elders

At the funeral, my aunt displayed a bunch of letters he had written and she had saved. Everyone fell all over themselves saying how wonderful this was. I thought it was nuts. One letter was to his wife. It was a rather graphic love letter saying what he would do the moment she came home. Look, I get that he was a young guy once. Also, as I said, billions of things are happening all the time. But I need to be told about them? My memories of him were his being an old codger. I don’t want to change them to some romantic mush.

Or there’s the old lady who lived down the street when I was a kid. She was the meanest person on the block, enough said. When she died, I learned she was a spy in WWII, and later was in Africa with the Peace Corp.

Learning this was awful! I wanted her to be mean. I didn’t want to regret all those nasty things I said about her. I thought I knew what she was and I was wrong. I hate being wrong. I know things happen that I don’t know anything about and I like it that way.

Please Stop Giving Me All the Information!!