What a friend wants

I have a friend which I don’t pay. Yea really, who’d-a thunk it? However, this is beside the point. I was talking to Craig the other day, and he started crying how he wished he could be a super hero.

He wanted to fly like Superman, climb walls like Spiderman, and meet large-chested women like… Well, all the various comics females. The folks who draw those things have a lot of imagination, and it spills out of women’s clothing all over the pages. But this is, again, beside the point.

He shouldn’t have

I was mystified. Superheroes have a crappy life. Look at Superman. He’s been working at a dead-end job for almost a hundred years. Supposedly he’s the best reporter on staff at The Daily Planet, but Lois Lane gets the best by-lines. I mean she’s interviewed Superman countless times but Clark Kent never did.

Yes, being a newspaper reporter is a cool job, but it has to get boring after ninety-seven years. Also, there is absolutely no record of Perry White ever giving him a raise. Annual ‘cost-of-living’ only goes so far.

I once worked a bad job with, no recognition for four years, and I quit. Yes, I might have been a bit premature. But, once your career has stalled for fifty years or so, it might be time for a change. Think about it Clark. Sure, you can leap tall buildings at a single bound, but can you afford groceries?

Terrible girlfriends

Then there’s Lois Lane. Now that’s one heck of a high maintenance girlfriend. Agreed, she’s won several major awards. At least according to the radio program of the 1940’s. But you can never tell. Things change depending on which iteration you’re watching. She might have faked some of those, just to dig her claws into Superman a bit deeper. And of course, spend more cash on her.

That’s another thing, he works at the newspaper all day. Then instead of coming home at night to his recliner and a cold beer, he’s flying around the world saving her butt. She gets glory, and gratitude, and all he gets his a torn-up leotard. Super-villains always shred a hero’s clothes first. It’s part of their union contract.

Anyway, Lois runs to safety, and he gets the snot beat out of him. It has to get pretty monotonous.

Sure, he wins in the end. But he gets no cash, has to find someone to repair his costume for the next night, and fly Lois home to find out she has a headache, from the adventure. She promises he’ll get some lovin’ next time. The thing is, next time goes the same way and old-Supe is left high-and-dry yet again. Clark, buddy, you can have any woman you want. Why do you stick with one so toxic?

Truth from the movies

I mention all of this because there is a new Superman movie in theatres. I haven’t seen it, which makes me eminently qualified to discuss it. My mind isn’t clouded with a bunch of useless facts. As I understand it, in this iteration, Lois knows Clark is Superman and he has a dog. Big deal! This changes nothing. He still has to pull her behind out of the fire. Only this time he has to stop at the store for dog biscuits while doing it.

In fact, according to the official trailer, the mutt pulls him out of trouble. Where is Lois when all this is happening? Probably getting her nails done. She’s certainly not saving the man of steal. She left that to the dog. Look, I love Wonder Dog, but if I were ever in trouble, and my wife told WD save me… Well, do me a favor and start carving the headstone. It’ll save a lot of time.

Thunder problems

Now you can see why I didn’t understand Craig’s wish. All super folks have crappy love lifes, and many have severe emotional problems. I recently saw the film ‘Thunderbolts’. It’s about some new folks getting together to replace the Avengers. One is the Russian version of Captain America. He’s a has-been who fell with the Soviet Union. He spends the whole movie trying to reclaim old glory, while living in a one room flat, and working for minimum wage.

His daughter is a graduate of assassination school. Not a great family dynamic, in anybody’s book. When she shows up at his door, the bad guys start shooting up the apartment. Oh Boy!! Sure, makes me want to become a super-soldier. Not!!

Fantastic Forboding

Another movie out now is, Fantastic Four First Steps. I went to the Four’s website, and even it clearly states, quote, “Together they face various threats, while navigating their personal relationships” End Quote! In other words, they have to fight the nefarious Dr. Doom as well as deal with emotional stresses like who farted at the table. Who wouldn’t want that? Me, for one!

In this iteration, Sue Storm is pregnant. Now, my wife was pregnant three times. I know what I’m talking about. She was depressed and miserable, but she never had to deal with planetary threats. If Sue’s hormones kick in, like every other woman’s, most likely she’s sitting down eating ice-cream, and complaining she’s fat. Not, jumping up to fight the fifty-foot planet killer, Galacticus.

Sue can make herself invisible. If my sister could’ve done that, her husband wouldn’t have seen her for nine months at a stretch. Of course, he would have heard her. My sister loved to whine about her issues. But I digress!

Another member of the Four is Ben Grimm. From day one, he’s been battling the fact that he was a football star and now he’s ugly. Oh, Boo Hoo! Look, according to official NFL statistics, the average player’s career is three to five years. The Thing’s been a rock-hard super-hero since 1961. Even the longest lasting player in history, didn’t stay on top for sixty-one years. So, Ben, get over yourself. As far as emotional issues in super-heroes are concerned, you’re at the bottom of the list.

The tangled web

The worst has to be Spiderman. Sure, he’s a genius, but he can’t keep a job. Either way, he has to support his aging aunt, as well as spend tons of cash on crazy gadgets. Don’t forget, he also has to deal with the serious guilt trip his dying uncle laid on him, “With great power comes great responsibility.” That alone, must weigh heavy on his mind even without the rest of the emotional crap. Remember too, in every other adventure he has to deal with his girlfriend being murdered by a super-villain. I guess I should cut him a little slack.

Now that’s just batty

Frankly, the only hero who doesn’t have girl trouble is Batman. He’s a millionaire playboy. Then again, he hasn’t got any super powers either. He’s just a buffed-up bully, who has enough cash to buy all the toys he wants. Of course there’s that whole, ‘watching your parents get murdered thing.’ But that was a long time ago. Between the cash and caviar, he has to have adjusted by now. Right? Well, maybe not. He does dress up like a bat, to fight criminals every night.

I mean, that’s just not normal!!!