Confession

I don’t mean to alarm any left-thinking folks out there, or cause woman’s rights activists to march on my house with torches and pitchforks. But I going to say something controversial. Wow! Look at me doing cutting edge journalism.

Okay so, here’s my confession; I like to look at pretty girls. Not in any way which could called inappropriate. However, if there is a picture of a pretty girl someplace, I look at it.

This revelation may shock some of you, but I think most people like to look at pretty girls. It is a very easy hobby to maintain, with absolutely no expensive equipment to buy. Quite simply, because pictures of pretty girls are everywhere. On magazines, commercials, advertisements, greeting cards, even tool catalogs have pretty girls are all over them. They’re actually quite hard to avoid.

Well I tried

I tried to avoid it once. I swore I would go for a week without looking at any pretty girls. IMPOSSIBLE! Not only did I have to sit alone in my room with no internet, television, or even a book, (they’re on book covers too). I also had to avoid my wife, who is very pretty. My beard grew, my eyes were bloodshot, and I set a new world record for thumb twiddling. It’s not in the Guinness book, because they sent a pretty girl to certify it, and I didn’t let her in the room.

It all went to pot when my niece came over to drop off some chocolate I bought for a school fundraiser. I opened the door to greet her, and BAM. I was looking at a pretty girl, two days early. The only solace I had was eating the candy. Fifty bucks down the drain. It was supposed to be for a party the following week. Oh well.

Now, you may not give a fig about all this. Though you probably give very large figs, for pretty girls, but I assure this will all make sense in the end. The point is I like pretty girls, but not the internet. Confused? Well so am I.

But there was temptation

You see, a while back, a certain basketball team published a video of their dance team, and it showed up as a link on my browser. The video had several pretty girls and a big guy doing a crazy dance on the court. It was quite funny. I watched it several times. I also linked to other dance teams’ videos. I thought nothing of it. The next week there was an awards show. Yes, I looked at the red-carpet photos, there were pretty girls in beautiful dresses all over the place.

I wish I hadn’t looked, but it was too late. The die was cast. All of a sudden, Russian, Asian, and Brazilian beauties all seem to want me to date them. As if this weren’t enough, many of them want me to see them naked, and chat about my fantasies. I don’t know what attracts them about eating Oreos in bed for breakfast, (my fantasy), but they really want to talk about it. Just today I got a link from a site promising, “Beautiful Babes from The World Over!! Want to meet you” Sadly none of them live in my neighborhood, but I digress.

The devil on my desk

You see, embedded somewhere deep in the extremely confusing, yet completely detestable, guts of my computer, lives an evil program tracking my every move. This uneaten, rotten cookie, which has been dipped in sour milk, selects the things it feels are important to me and makes the appropriate, yet completely unwanted changes to my browser links. The thing is, it’s blind to most of what I’m actually interested in.

I click on news and music links, with the occasional look at some “This Day in History” site. The geeky computer beast ignores all that.  But it sure saw when I linked to those pretty girl videos! My computer thinks I’m a dirty old man, while I am neither old nor unclean in thought.

Every day when I log in, I am inundated with cheerleader links, dance team links, fashion links, (which I am definitely not interested in), and cat videos. I watched one of them once too. Yes, I like looking at pretty girls. I like it a lot, only not exclusively to the neglect of everything else in the world.

It gets worse

I want to know who programmed the little beastie in my CPU so I can exact some revenge. What were they thinking? My personal belief is he’s trying to take over the world by destroying the last few intelligent people in America. He, and in extension his programmed servant, must be thinking, “Let’s see, hmm, these people are reading the news and have strong intelligent opinions. That’s bad. I need to keep them away from those. Wait a sec, they’re looking at animals. That could be good, unless… Oh crap, another tree-hugger. This one’s going to be tough. Hold on! Kittens are animals, and they’re really cute. Cute things make human brains turn to mush. I’ll eliminate all the smart links they like, and sub-in cat videos, and other cute animal pictures. Several more IQ points down the drain. Oh, I’m such a genius!” 

The thing is, everyone but me already knew about this corruption code. It’s all over the news. It’s supposed to be there to personalize my internet experience. What the heck is that supposed to mean? I sit at the computer. I log into the web. I find the sites I need to research. No one else is involved. Sounds pretty personal to me. Why do I need links?

The fact is, I don’t. The all-powerful and ubiquitous ‘THEY’ need them. They want me to link to these sites. They want me to buy stuff, by using cute spokes-kittens. I’m sure kittens are much more cost effective than, say, using Sabrina Carpenter as your spokesperson. If the number of adorable pet videos are any indication, their plan seems to be working. There are millions of those things.

You could spend days on line, and not even see one tenth of them. Remember, puppies and super-models are way more attractive than fat dumpy politicians. They don’t want me getting upset, and more intelligent, by watching the news. It might scare me away. Therefore, when I browse museums, they don’t set up a link. They want me to turn off my brain, and pay for stuff I can’t afford. Then after they sell me all that stuff, they can recommend a credit counselor, so I can pay more to settle my payment issues.

The solution… Or not

But I have beaten them at their game. I am a starving artist. Starving artists, don’t have any money and are not likely to get any. (Hence the name) I can look at all their pretty girls, and cat videos with impunity. My brain may turn to mush, but they won’t get any of my hard-earned cash. Their efforts are wasted on me, and I can tell you how to reach my status as well. All you have to do is…

Wait a minute. Is that the Victoria’s Secret fashion show? Those are some pretty girls.

Now? What was I Saying??