Snowed In

In the past two weeks, we have had two major winter storms. We’re currently under two feet of snow. For those of you who don’t know what that means, Congratulations. For those who do, I don’t need to explain it. Either way, I’d rather not talk about it. In truth half of the United States was under a winter weather advisory and blizzard warning. I was ready to eat my own leg for a while there.

Well, until my wife threw a frozen pizza in the oven. Okay it really wasn’t that close. In fact, it wasn’t close at all. But adding the whole leg eating thing, really makes the story pop. The moderator of my writing group says I need that sort of thing. If you’re not Ellen, this next couple of paragraphs may be a bit much for you. No, they’re not true, but if I do this right, they’ll be engaging. I’m told that’s what my writing needs.

January 25, 2026

(See what I did there? I made this sound like a journal entry. Ellen loves that sort of thing)

The snow continues to fall, but not as hard as morale. (She alsp likes random, silly, comparisons like that. Anyway, back to it.) The last of the elephants has frozen solid, and with the chilling winds, it took almost ten hours to walk around him. I’m not sure what all those elephants were doing trapsing around the American Midwest, but with as cold as it is I don’t ask such questions. Supplies are getting dangerously low. If there isn’t a break in this weather soon, we may have to open a new roll of toilet tissue.

I also don’t know why toilet tissue is such a necessary requirement. I mean, panic buying has started. Common sense would suggest it would be food or water. But no! When trouble strikes, toilet tissue, is the first thing to be hoarded. We would have stockpiled it as well. But when the stores ran out, I was able to make a deal on a six-roll pack, that paid for most of my son’s college. Priorities be darned, college is expensive.

January 26, 2026

The sun came out this morning. It took one quick look around, shivered, then went back in. After that, the snow fell harder than ever. Then again, the hardness may have been due to the kids, down the street, throwing snowballs. However, I don’t like to think that way. Removing  it makes these journal entries a lot more emotionally moving. (Ellen should be crying right about now.)

Our vehicles are completely snowed in. Mostly because the plow came by and pushed all the excess into the driveway. (But again, this has no dramatic flair.) I sent my son to attempt to get one of the rovers moving. He took up the shovel, assessed the situation, screamed, “Hell no,” and went back to his computer game. I was on my own. I thought of telling my wife to face the elements, but was hoping to survive another day. So, I didn’t. She’s tough.

January 27, 2026

Things are looking bleaker than ever. The igloo the dog dug in the snow so she could go to the bathroom has collapsed. We thought we lost her. But then she stood up, and we realized the snow only covered her legs. She re-entered the shelter and shook. The resulting spray lowered the temperature three whole degrees. I mean, it almost went down to 70 that’s 20c. How we survived, I’ll never know.

At one point I tried to eat one of the cat’s legs. For those who come after me, here’s an important survival tip: one should always wait until the cat is deceased before attempting this. Now, bandages are another commodity that’s running low. But you probably guessed that.

January 28, 2026

For the past twelve hours, there has been a lull in the storm. I’ve decided to attempt the trek to the regional trading post, for much needed supplies. You know real frontier stuff like salt pork and hard tack. Walmart didn’t have either of those, so I settled for ham and bread. I also searched in vain for new boots and perhaps gloves. There were none of these.

There were however, bikinis, sandals, and tanning lotion. I looked again at the date of this entry. It’s January people! Who in the heck needs this crap now? Apparently, I thought, marketing people never heard of winter. I was wrong. They’ve heard of it. In fact, they fill the stores with winter supplies, every June. So, either the people who plan such things live in Australia. Or the word marketing means; Stocking up on crap nobody needs. I’m not sure which, but it’s something to think about, on long, cold winter nights, while freezing to death, and wearing a Speedo.

January 29, 2026

Yesterday I was able to procure some supplies, but not the most important ones. They were out of chicken nuggets, and mustard. Ohh, you think mustard’s not all that important. Well, I’d like to see you eat a ham sandwich without it! Either way I had to face the elements for a second day in the hopes of being fully stocked.

I looked for my skis, but when I saw how deep the killing drifts were, I opted for snowshoes. For those who know not of such things, snowshoes are shoes you wear in the snow. That should’ve been self-explanatory. But hey, you never know. The shoes I wear in the snow are pretty much the ones I wear in every season. The only real difference is, when I wear them in the snow, they leak and soak my socks. If I was out only a few hours before, they might still be filled with snow. Hence the name, Snowshoes. It should be snow-in-shoes, but either way, now you know.

January 30, 2026

The snow came back in earnest today. To be Frank, it wasn’t in Earnest, but it was in all his pockets. I love being Frank, because Frank gets all the cool lines. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be Fred.

Either way, Earnest stopped by to tell us the snow was continuing. Like we didn’t know that. All we really had to do was look out the window. I did notice, after he left, three rolls of toilet tissue, a frozen pizza, and a box of dog biscuits were missing. Earnest’s supplies must ne running low too. I do hope he doesn’t feed the pizza to the dog and eat the biscuits like he did the last time. Snow blindness does some crazy things to that man.

The bitter cold, and terrible snowfall continued throughout the day, but our morale is still high. A drift has made the entrance to our shelter impassible. All we can do now is hunker down and await spring. If it ever comes, after this second ice age.

In closing, I hope whoever finds these notes in my dead frozen hand, or the attic, (whichever), can make use of the wisdom in these pages. May you survive this disaster longer than I did.

So, What do you think of that, Ellen??