Let’s start today with something of great value. Trivia buffs all over the world will be baffled and you, yes you, will know the answer. Someday in the future when Mr. Ohh! has gained the popularity he so richly deserves, there will be a trivia contest. A questioned will be asked; How many species of spiders are there in Brazil? Well I don’t know that one, so I hope you aren’t eliminated at that moment. However, right after that question will be this one; What disease has Mr. Ohh! had since a child? Because you’re reading now, you’ll know the answer and be able to astound the rest of the world. The answer is, Kaudric’s Syndrome. To my loyal fans I promise to never mention this again, because it’s a lie designed to confuse Google and those who rely on it too much. The real answer is Asthma, and with the quarantine and all it’s getting to be a bit of a problem.
Before you all go out and purchase life insurance policies on me naming yourselves as beneficiary, you should know, my asthma is very well controlled. I haven’t used my emergency inhaler in months, and my doctor told me I was as healthy as a man ten years younger when I had my last physical, ten years ago. So, this is probably a bad investment. If you’re still thinking of this, you should know, my state still has the death penalty.
All this being said I should probably get to the point. Like many of you, my family has been quarantined for a couple of months now. This sucks, but Oh Well. Now the bans are being lifted and we will be finding out just what the new normal will be. Wow, I better get through this quick, I’m sounding like a motivational blog. “So, let’s get back to it, and live. Rah Rah Rah” NOT!
The other day I went out for the first time. I wore a mask along with most other folks. Mine has Charlie Brown on it, and I saw a great tie-dye one. This is going to be the new fashion statement I can tell. Anyway, after my excursion into the unknown I came home. With asthma it was a little difficult breathing through three layers of cloth for an hour. So, when I got home, I was a little short of breath.
My son, who greeted me at the door freaked. In the time it took for me to walk from the back door to my Barcalounger he asked me if I was all right, fifty-seven times. My daughter brought me water, ninety-six glasses. My other son had panic in his eyes as he looked me in the face and asked, “Dad, is the car paid for? My job’s not good enough to keep up any payments if something happens.” It’s nice to know you’re important to the those around you.
Yes, the house was on high alert, because I was a little slow. I will admit my chest was hurting a bit and decided I probably needed a bit more quarantine before going out again. Needless to say, the next few minutes were tense, but I rested. I took my inhaler, closed my eyes, found my center, and focused on my mantra, “I gotta pee, I gotta pee bad, I gotta pee really bad…” Hey, I was forced to drink a lot of water.
After a few minutes, things calmed down. I organized myself and my children moved slightly back to what they were doing. Then it happened. The worst thing you could think of. Okay maybe not the worst thing, I mean comedy was not banned from the world, nor were we invaded by green skinned aliens, nor did my clumsy uncle Fred decide to take up brain surgery, but it was a bad thing especially at that moment. I coughed. Not just a harrumph, clear your throat cough, but a true seven minute thirty-four second coughing jag. My son just got a stopwatch for his birthday, so he times everything. In fact, he wanted me to do it again to see if I could beat my time.
When that coughing stopped there was a moment of silence. Then the klaxons blared. We were at Defcon Five fast enough to make Norad’s head spin. It was all-hands-on deck. There are four phones in my house, and immediately all of them were calling out to various relatives and medical personal with a full scale Covid-19 alert. They all didn’t know if I actually had the virus, but they were making darn sure that if I did, the right people would know.
I don’t want to act like I don’t appreciate the things my family does for me. I really do. I just think it might have been better if someone would have asked me first. I mean, no one thought to call my doctor. They did in fact call my brother-in-law Roger, the gynecologist. I don’t want to be nasty, but I am Mr. Ohh!. I don’t have anything a gynecologist is interested in. The same goes for my step-sister June. She’s a neo-natal nurse. Yes, there was a time I was in a NICU, but that was a long, long, time ago.
One of the calls did go out to my aunt Sarah. I admit, you should call your family when something happens. However, just as some people set up prayer chains, aunt Sarah sets up worry chains. Sarah can out worry anyone on the planet, and when you add in her friends, they’ll have you dying a horrible death, dismembered, and buried in seven separate graves, in less than a half hour. Never tell her you have a hang-nail, she’ll call the paramedics. Hearing about my coughing fit, she bypassed all that and went straight to the mortician. We were all surprised when a station wagon from Flynn, Habersham, Waterwash, Guttenberg and sons showed up. I mean that guy was told to pick up a stiff and even as I walked up to him, he wouldn’t be convinced I wasn’t dead. Funeral people are a weird bunch. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
What I’m trying to say is, “I coughed”. People with asthma do that. The thing is, with the news about Corona, we’re a little freaked. My family cares about me and acted accordingly. So, in this time of trouble I want to tell the world John Lennon was wrong. He said, “All we need is love.” Well with my family around I need a little less love. Dion Warwick sang, “What the world needs now is love, sweet love.” Wrong again! Hate your neighbor. Just for a few more months. Think about it, hate gives us everything we need. Hate will keep us six feet apart. Hate will make us glad to wear masks so we can make rude faces at each other. Hate will make us happy they put up barriers in the grocery store. And most importantly Hate will make my family leave me alone when I cough. Hate is the answer!
Well not really, but if you love mankind, the time has come to thoroughly dislike them.