Something Wheely Wheely Bad

I have spoken to several medical personnel, and it is undeniable. Sweating and smelling bad are important for my health. Oddly, it is unhealthy to get your sweat by being lazy, lying in the sun. Which is a pain in the butt. I would have no trouble with getting my daily sweating in, if I could do it in a lounge chair, drinking a cold beverage. The perspiration just pours off me, but this sweat causes cancer. You have to move vigorously to produce good healthy sweat, and likewise good healthy body odor.

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So, it comes down to exercise. But how much exercise is needed. When I take my dog out, he acts like an idiot for five minutes, walks around the block twice in fifteen minutes, and sleeps for the rest of the day. With only minor interruptions for food and to have his belly scratched. He has a clean bill of health. So, I concluded that if I walked for twenty minutes, I could sleep the rest of the day. No such luck.

My doctor says, I don’t stink badly enough after a short walk. Why she wants me to smell so bad, I haven’t got a clue. I have to get more exercise to sweat and stink to make her happy. Oh, the stupid things we do for pretty women, and she isn’t even my wife. So, the question becomes; How does one get maximum exercise with a minimum amount of work? When I was younger, we ran around all day. The thing is, we didn’t realize we were getting exercise. I’m sure if we did, we would have run screaming back into the house to turn on the Nintendo.

I looked on-line for some exercise equipment and actually achieved my goals. Just looking at the prices made my heart rate go up, and I started to sweat so much I nearly fainted. Who in their right mind would pay three thousand bucks for a bike that doesn’t go anywhere? It doesn’t have tires and only one wheel. Where’s the value? Half the bike for ten times the price.

I thought about a weight set, then looked at the instructions. You have to almost commit to marry those things. The course clearly said you would feel better in a few weeks, sure, but it took time to get real results. The next few pages talked about the maintenance plan, and the lifelong promise to your body. Look, my body and I are pretty good together but I made a lifelong promise to my wife and I’m still trying to see how that’s going to work out. The next thing, and they tell you this, is you won’t even use most of the weights until you pass level two. By that time the dust alone could double the power it takes to lift them. I’m not paying good money for something even the salesman says I won’t use. The time had come to borrow.

Last Christmas my son received a new pair of roller blades. Our feet our approximately the same size, so I went to the garage and found his old pair. Before I go on, you should know that I took ice-skating in high school. I was pretty good. Everything I’ve read says rollerblading and ice-skating use most of the same muscle movements. Therefore, as geeky as I looked, I figured I could handle the blades.

 I coasted out of the garage and knew immediately something was wrong. I don’t know if I forgot everything, or they aren’t the same in the first place, but strange things happened when I tried to move. I stood there on eight neon-green wheels and could not roll anywhere. I was able to march back to the grass where I could sit and try to figure out what was wrong, when my neighbor, came out. Mitch is a photographer, and is never without his camera. I was stuck. I couldn’t run away.

I tried to march back up the drive but my right foot kept wanting to roll back down. After a few moments I figured out that the wheels on the left foot were jammed somehow so using my left to push and right to roll I made it half way back to the shelter of my garage. Mitch was clicking away. Then suddenly the left started rolling and the right wanted to turn sharply to the left. My legs tangled. I didn’t fall but the comedy of me swinging my arms and legs to keep myself upright was enough exercise for anyone. And Mitch got it all. I found out later he submitted the video to a YouTube contest. I don’t want to know if he wins.

I made it back to my garage and sat. Mitch, seeing the show was over went home, and my son came out to see what was happening. When he saw what I was wearing he laughed. The reason he wanted new skates was because the bearings on these were shot and libel to do all kinds of crazy things. Now he tells me. His answer between sniggers was, “Hey, mom knew” I asked why he hadn’t thrown them out. He answered, he kept them to play a joke on friends. “Well, I’m not your friend anymore,” I mumbled as I flung them in the trash.

Two days later I felt it was safe to try again. In reality I looked out the front window and Mitch’s car was gone. I went outside carrying my other son’s skateboard. Now I’m no Tony Hawk, but in my day I was okay. I figured if I went slow kept the board moving, I’d be all right, and enjoy getting my exercise. The first time around the block went fine, but when I came around the last corner, I noticed Mitch was home.

Mitch had set up two tripods one with video and one for stills. His wife was selling tickets for space in their yard to watch me and their daughter was selling lemonade. This wasn’t going to go well. I should have stepped of the board at that moment, but I’m a guy.

I sped up. While moving as fast as possible and in front of Mitch’s house I preformed the one trick I know. It went great I got applause as I accelerated out of the move. Then I turned back to Mitch. I didn’t see the pothole. The font of the board went down and stopped. I was thrown into a blooming cherry tree. The petals let loose and fell till I was covered in a blanket of pink. And again, Mitch got it all.

My wife ran from house. She came to me with a concerned look, brushed away the petals from my face, and kissed me, asking if I was all right. I told her I was okay with only minor cuts and bruises. She asked if I was sure and I said yes. Then she smacked me and walked away mumbling, “If you ever do anything like that again…”

She left me there and I had to limp back to the house myself. I collected the board as I did. But I learned my lesson.

Exercise may be good for me, but laziness is a whole lot healthier   

Thank you for laughing

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5 thoughts on “Something Wheely Wheely Bad

  1. Grace

    I would apologize for laughing but since you mean this to be funny…for some strange reason “walking and chewing gum” popped into my mind and I’ve been struggling for a way to apply it to this…I got nuthin’ so I’ll just keep reading this and LMAO

    Liked by 1 person

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