A false start and false hopes

Well, it’s autumn. The season of change. It might have been the season of dollars except that was reserved for December, and the holidays of spending. Oops, I meant giving. Therefore, in September and October we are really only able to spend change. Was there a point to all this? Probably not, but there was a big shake up/ change at work and I got caught in the middle of it as usual.

You see, last May, we hired three interns, and it became my job to train them. The hope was, they would bring young blood and fresh ideas to the company. About halfway through the training program I was ready to spill a lot of that young blood. The issue was, those college kids were hired to be my seniors, and while I was giving them the benefit of my experience, having spent sixteen years growing with my company, they were giving me their superior knowledge, having been toilet trained for that same sixteen years. Two of them worked out and spent the last four months telling me and just about everyone else, we were doing everything wrong.

It was actually quite amazing. That would certainly be my dream job. I would have absolutely love sitting behind a desk, and smugly telling everyone who would listen that they were incorrect in just about everything.

How do you deal with young people who know everything

I have no idea how my company made it for the last seventy-two years without these two college students, but everything we had ever done had a bad process. The great thing was, because they are between the ages of eighteen and twenty-five, they’ll be able to make everything better in only one summer. Isn’t it great how they can know everything about a company they’ve never experienced, just because they took a few business courses in college. No, I’m not bitter at all.

Then September came, and they had to return to those grand institutions of higher learning, for more amazing insight. Or bullshit as my boss and myself think. The CEO actually offered to pay for one of them to finish school in exchange for seven years of service to the company. I was ready to cry. If I had to work alongside her for seven more years… Well, let’s just say my sanity is already tenuous, and that would just shove me right over the edge.

Either way, for now, they’ve left and the three of us in my department, must now clean up after the interns. It’s a lot like mucking out a horse stable. You love the reason you’re doing the work, but there’s an awful lot of crap left behind that you really didn’t bargain for. Of course, I actually have an understanding of this process. I have teenagers at home. Dealing with interns was just an extension of my home life. Not one of the better extensions. In point of fact, one of the reasons I go to work is to get rid of having to clean up teenager messes, but there you are.

Then my chance came

This advantage led me to an interesting benefit. I have been noticed by upper management. This is usually not a good thing, especially for someone who is not very good at office politics, and keeping my head down. However, this time was different. Management wanted to promote me into the position vacated by the two interns. When I found out, I was actually happy at work for ten whole minutes. I was going to get a promotion and a raise.

Except for one little thing

Of course, there are always hoops to jump through. In this case the obstruction came in the form of a psychological test, to see if I was management material. I questioned the test, and was told it was just a formality. This I did not believe. For a company to administer a test like this, they first have to pay a monthly fee to the testing company. Then when someone takes the test, they have to pay three-hundred-dollars to have the results analyzed. Doesn’t sound like a formality to me. I offered to take two-hundred, and write the review myself. This would save them the cost of the test and an additional hundred. I figured by making the offer it proved I was a good manager. Sadly no, I had to sit, and be tested.

If you’ve never taken one of these tests, they are intentionally confusing. One of the first questions was, “If you could get away with several thousand in company funds, would you be tempted?” The answer of course is; Hell Yes!! I would be tempted!

Will someone tell me how to answer these queations

I know this to be a fact. I worked in a retail store one Christmas. One evening I held one-hundred-twenty-thousand-dollars cash in my hand. Yes, I was tempted. My brain started firing on all cylinders with plans, and my mouth curled into an evil smile. Then I put the cash in the safe. I figured if I couldn’t retire to the Bahamas on it, it wasn’t worth it. The problem is that’s not the right answer. They don’t want people who are easily tempted. So, everyone lies. I don’t see how lying makes you a good manager.

Another good question was; What’s worse, picking up money from the floor and keeping it, or stealing office supplies? Now how are you supposed to answer that? You can only click one or the other and not explain your answer. I mean we have all walked out of work with a pen in our pockets and picked up a dime off the floor. Are we supposed to be morally tortured every time you accidentally but a copy in your pocket. If that’s correct, if you flog yourself that evening does that make it better? Then, there’s that child’s poem, “See a penny, Pick it up, And all the day you’ll have good luck.” According to the test we are programming our kids at an early age to be psychological criminals. The implications are mind-blowing.

Another question I couldn’t answer was; Which do you prefer, Tuesday afternoon or Thursday morning? What the heck does that have to do with anything? Frankly, I’m partial to Friday. Are managers who like Tuesday less likely to be tempted to steal office supplies? What if I said I’m not tempted, but also said I prefer Thursday? Does this mean I’m a pathological liar, because I can’t agree on anything?

Ohh to be young and intelligent again

I don’t know how these tests are graded. However, I do know they are very good at finding out if you’re an artist. Psychological tests hate artists. If you show up as an artist in one of these tests, you shall be spurned. Not only from getting that promotion, but when you get home, you will find your wife and children brainwashed into thinking some good-looking guy named Brad is their husband or father, and you are the new pool boy. Don’t ever be seen as an artist.

I understand there’s a college psychology course which will teach you how to pass these tests. This must be why I train college students to be my boss. Now you know.

The world belongs to the interns!