Question everything

There’s a company called Impossible Foods. Once again Mr. Ohh! must challenge this for the good of all. If these foods are impossible, then how can folks be making them. Obviously they’re possible. Also, they must be profitable, or again no one would know about them. Elsewise there would be some nerdy inventor, eating beans from a can, complaining “If I could sell my invention, or at least get an investor or two, maybe I could get a date with a real girl.” Now there’s something impossible, but I digress.

Actually, this nerdly guy could be a magician. Supposedly, they do impossible stuff all the time. Here again, if they do it, it’s not impossible. That’s kind of the definition. Me inhaling a full-grown African bull elephant into my appendix is impossible. My appendix is not connected anywhere I can gulp from. Perhaps if I had some rewiring done then, who knows? Either way, it’s a moot point. My appendix was removed years ago, and is probably decomposed by now. No, inhaling elephants going on here, and I’m certainly not doing it. And I do have a limited knowledge of magic.

Question why I wrote this paragraph

Sherlock Holmes once said, “When you eliminate the impossible, what remains, however improbable, must be the solution.” This has absolutely nothing to do with my post today. But I really like the quote, and it has the word ‘impossible’ in it. So, I said it anyway. I’m not going to apologize. Moving on.

What Impossible Foods supposedly does is make meat from plants, but it doesn’t. It makes soy proteins which look, and taste like meat. This is really stupid, and my vegan friends agree. If I want something which looks, and tastes like meat, I’ll eat meat, not a plant. My vegetarian friends don’t want meat, and they certainly don’t want to be tempted with its taste. I will admit my research sample size is three. You may have a larger sampling group. However, this in my post, and my research goes. Therefore, I’m right, for absolutely no good reason. It’s kind of like being in government, but without having to run an election campaign. Boy, I love this blogging stuff.

Find a need…

Where I’m going with all this is; More and more people are finding needs where they don’t exist. In this case folks who eat meat will do so, and those who don’t, probably aren’t likely to embrace its flavor. There might be a small, niche market, but I’m not seeing it. Then we have car companies. Way back when, General Motors set up their car lines like this; Chevrolet for a smaller entry level car, Pontiac for a sportier model. From there one would move to Oldsmobile or Buick for a bit of luxury, and when you had the cash, Cadillac was the top of the line. Then they got stupid.

For some unknown reason, it was decided brand loyalty was an all important thing, and therefore all lines needed all model types. For years General Motors spent billions of dollars competing against itself. It was Chevrolet against the world, or an Oldsmobile free-for all. In 2008 GM went bankrupt. One of the largest corporations in the world failed, because it couldn’t compete… against ITSELF any longer. If you think this last bit isn’t funny, think about it. It’s hilarious.

…Then ignore it completely and do something stupid

They had to shut down four product lines, borrow a ton of cash, pay a boatload of interest, and start feeding their cats dry food just to get out of the mess. Yet, after all this, they still happily produce ten to fifteen different SUV models. They learned nothing! They’re still competing against themselves. Why? Because they see a stupid, unnecessary need, and they fill it. Well, I can do that too.

      First, I had to find a product to which there was absolutely no need. In the stores, I noticed eight to ten companies producing hair products. Each of them, usually have three levels; Good, Better, and Best. This makes over thirty types of hair conditioners. It would be totally stupid to put another one on the market. Therefore, I felt this had to be the way to go.

Next, I needed a hook. Something which made my product stand out, stupid wise. My first thought was mine would be the most expensive, but there are already two companies fighting for that distinction, one makes your home a salon, and it appears you’re worth the cost of the other one. Who knew? This wasn’t going to work. Then I was sitting, petting my cat, between brutal bloodlettings, when I noticed something. The cat’s fur is silky smooth. My daughter mentioned how much she wished her hair was as soft as the cat’s. So, how does a cat take care of its fur? Bingo, there was the product I was looking for. Cat Spit Shampoos and Conditioners.

Put that cart befor the horse

Now, I’m not sure the women of the world would purchase something called Cat Spit. My first thought for a better name was Hair Ball. I mean have you ever felt one of those things after it dried? So Soft and Fluffy! Also, the thing is full of cat spit. The problem was the name didn’t fly even around my house. I figured if I was going to make a go of this I’d have to go further than that. A better name was required. I finally settled on; Kaht Zbidt. If you say it right it’s just fancy ‘cat spit,’ but it really looks fancy on a label. Not only that, my family approved it. Of course, the fact I only asked them in my mind helped.

I was on my way. It was time to start setting up an advertising campaign. This was hard. Not because I didn’t have a great idea. I had one of those. It was because my idea involved a young voluptuous woman licking the back of her hand. Then running it through her hair. Do you see the issue? You might remember the advertisement, but if you do, you’ll forget the product right away. Enough said about that. I decided to go with a man running his fingers through his girlfriend’s hair, and the tag line “Everything’s better with a little Kaht Zbidt.” It works on many levels.

Take the advice of the world

Then there’s application. A cat applies spit all the time. Wow! Just think about that for repeat business. Can you imagine the directions on that bottle? “For best results; Apply Kaht Zbidt to hair about once every twenty minutes or so. Then go lay in the sun for the rest of the day. By evening your hair will be ready for anything, even if you’re planning to be in a cat fight. Meow!” You see how this can work on several levels. Mom calls a young girl to do some chores, “Sorry, mom, can’t. I have to lay in the sun to make sure my hair is soft and silky.” Mom will understand that.

Hey, I just thought of something. With all these great ideas I’d still have to supply a product. I’d have to go near the cat several times a day to collect spit.

Not worth it! No Way! Total Pass!