An old problem

In America and maybe the world there is an aging population. Like you needed me to tell you that. As a result, there is a growing industry surrounding aging. I myself get somewhere between four to about nine-hundred robot calls every asking me if I’m ready for aging. No, I’m Not!  I’m proud to say, just like every other idiot on this planet, I still believe I can do the same stuff as when I was eighteen. Even though, I haven’t lifted anything heavier than a large mug of beer in years. Actually, these days I drink whiskey because when I did lift that beer, I blew out my shoulder. A shot glass is much lighter.

Besides, whiskey is better at beeping me believing this myth. When I was younger, I was a runner. Reality has set in and the only running I do now is to the bathroom and back, because I want to make it back before the commercials end. Luckily, for the myth, ad breaks are getting much longer, so I’m able to think I still got it, even when I barely make it back. Whiskey, on the other hand, gives me the super-power of thinking I’m fast while I’m barely moving. Yep, alcohol and misconceptions are a bad combination.

That’s getting older

The thing is, it has come to my attention that if someone like Mr. Ohh! could be slowing down, then this must be a common problem. The American Presidents, for example, are one by one getting older and older. They must be feeling the effects of reality. I mean, when my mother’s abilities slipped, and she slowed down, we got her into a facility for the elderly. Our congress has the same kind of thing, the problem is; That facility for aged politicians seems to be called, “The White House.” But I’m getting off topic.

It makes me wonder about others as well. Do you ever see old people frying hamburgers in fast food joints? NO! Why? Because, that is a job only teens seem to be able to do. Of course, some of those folks are so young they can’t count to five when putting those burgers in a sack. The places seem to need two types of people; Young to do the risky frying job, and older to take care of that complicated counting part. Sadly, in this country you can’t discriminate, so if we want the teens to do the cooking, we have to suffer their counting abilities. I guess we can’t have everything.

The oldest

These are just a couple of examples, but I hope you appreciate my point. I would restate it now if I remembered what it was, but that is of no consequence. It’s the holiday’s and we need to understand the needs of the elderly. Thusly, I ask; Who is the oldest of the elderly? Santa Claus! He gives to us all. But who takes care of his elderly needs?

Some of you may say, “He’s ageless and magic. He needs no help.” Others may argue, “Yes he’s old, but as he only works one day a year, so he can manage.” Still other may proclaim, “Who cares? I wanna to get more marshmallows, and whipped cream, in my hot cacao.” While these arguments may be valid, I have to state categorically; The more marshmallows you put in the less digress.

Then and now

As for the other two arguments, I firmly disagree. I’m not completely sure how old Santa is. Nor do I know what the mandatory retirement age for a jolly old elf. But I am totally confident he’s well past it. Why do I feel this way? Think for a second. In 1964 a movie was produced called, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Now I have a bit of experience around the publishing and film industries. In the mid twentieth century it took a lot of time for things to happen.

If we take as fact Santa did stop the Martian invasion, then we must understand that it probably took several years for that story to come out. Then a book would have been published, where the research had to have taken a few years. Then scripts had to be written and approved, filming had to happen, and publicity and release dates had to be organized. With all this I say Santa must have done this somewhere around 1930 for a 1964 movie premier.

More now Less then

So, way back then, Santa was on top of his game. However, in the 1980’s and 90’s there where a slew of movies where everybody and his brother has to rescue Santa and save Christmas. Even the puppet Elmo, who is modeled after a three-year-old, was able to help Santa and save the holiday. Now most of these stories came out on TV. The delay between news story and television is only about six-months. Much shorter than the movies.

The obvious conclusion is that between 1930 and 1995 Santa’s abilities went straight down the toilet. Yes, it is sixty-five years and everyone slows down in that amount of time, but Santa is still working at the same job, with no chance for advancement.  Can’t we get him some government assistance, or something? Then again, he lives at the North Pole. Maybe the mayor up there doesn’t believe in National-Health-Care. I’ll have to do a bit more research.

More questions than answers

Also, this past week was the first bad snowstorm where I live. Now it snows every year, but still half the people forget how to drive in it. Consequently, there are lots of traffic accidents. Considering, these folks are mostly below retirement age, and Santa is well above, I have to ask this question; Should that man be driving?

All my relatives voluntarily stopped around eighty, and most of them didn’t go out in snow past seventy. Santa only goes out for a very long drive once a year. You gotta know he’s not getting enough practice. Also, truck drivers are required to take a break after ten hours. Santa drives for twenty-four hours straight. He’s got to be driving tired, in snowstorms to boot, and it’s against the law in most countries he visits. This is not good. The laws are there for good reasons.

But just who are the good guys

Another thing which bothers the snot out of me is; Santa supposedly has hundreds of helpers. Don’t any of them see this issue? Those elves are so cold and unfeeling. They’re letting and old man with obvious health issues, according to holiday specials, drive tired, in bad weather, all alone. And, chugging a bunch of energy drinks, before munching hundreds of cookies is just making it worse. I mean, the man is obviously overweight. His heart could go just like that. Not to mention the caffeine overdose screwing up his blood pressure and rotting his brain.

Are they openly trying to get him killed, and making it look like an accident? Is this how you get promoted at the North Pole? Folks say the Santa thing is holiday kindness. But I’m beginning to see it as some kind of strange Arctic death cult. Are the polar bears and walruses laying down bets?

Now that I mention it, I wonder what the Las Vegas odds are this year? Maybe I should put a hundred bucks down?