Holiday Cooking…

I like to cook as much as anybody. Okay, that’s a lie. I guess I shouldn’t start lying so quickly. I mean it could set the wrong tone of the post. Also, at this time of year, Santa is watching. If I keep telling lies, I won’t get the newest kitchen gadget under my tree. You know the one. It advertises you can make a seven-course gourmet meal in less than three minutes. Supposedly you toss in some veggies, pasta, dog food, and a lot of prayers, push the button and out comes a thirty-six-pound roast turkey with all the fixings.

It’s truly amazing. If the infomercial is to be believed. I tried this recipe with last year’s model and I got a strange glowing mush, that Wonder Dog wouldn’t touch. And he eats his own poop. I don’t know what they did to it this year, but I gotta have it. Why? Because it makes a great stocking stuffer! I learned this from the infomercial too. All though, I don’t know how big your feet are, but that thing will never fit in one of my socks. But I digress.

Is for the Four Calling Birds

The thing is I sort of like to cook. Sometimes it’s fun and sometimes it’s a chore. What I don’t like to do is make huge family dinners for the Christmas holidays. Ohh I can mash potatoes and steam green beans all right. But I can’t predict a Christmas turkey to save my life. I have asked family, searched books, magazines, even the Great Almighty Google, and I followed the directions to the letter. Invariably that silly bird will be done two hours before anyone arrives for dinner. Or I’ll have everyone seated at a beautiful table full of side dishes, and a raw bird in the oven.

I’ve tried to quit and do ham or beef many times, but everyone just complains. They scream, the reason they come to my house for the holidays is because I make the turkey so good, and I can’t make a turkey to save my soul. Therefore, I conclude, my family is either very, very good at passing the buck, or hasn’t got any tastebuds at all. Christmas dinners be darned.

Others avoid it

How many times have I wished I could join my Jewish friends, and go out for Chinese food on Christmas. I don’t know how it is where you live, but around here, Jewish families large and small gather together for the soul purpose of avoiding celebrating Christmas by going to Asian restaurants. It’s True! To me they’re just celebrating a holiday, which they don’t celebrate. Religion is so confusing. I guess that’s why we have faith. So, we can look at things which don’t make any sense and believe in it. Of course, sacramental wine helps too, but I’m getting off topic.

Anyway, this is the way it used to be, up until three years ago. That year I made the meal as always. I never excepted some little beastie would manage its way into the food. I don’t know what it was, but it made everyone ill for twenty-four-hours. At that point, the family decided that the tradition was getting a little bit too large and my siblings decided to do their own cooking for Christmas.

Why can’t I

Frankly, I wish I did know what the bug was. I’d market it as, The Cure to The Obnoxious Family Dinner. Just put a few drops on the sweet-potatoes, and your cooking woes are over. Your mother-in-law will never come over again. I’d make a fortune! These kinds of business opportunities don’t happen every day. You have to jump on it when it does. Sadly, I don’t have the research budget to get it off the ground.

I was thinking about getting a small business loan from Guido on the corner, but his interest rates were a little high. Also, if you’re a little late on a payment, he doesn’t tack on a fee, he breaks bones. I’ve had a few broken bones and frankly, as fun as they were, I’m a boring adult now. Not willing to do it again.

Option 1

Either way, with the break-up of the large family on Christmas, I’m still working on Thanksgiving, I’ve gained an opportunity to start a new tradition. One where perhaps I wouldn’t have to cook. I asked my wife and children and they all wanted me to make a roast bird. I sighed, and asked them all again carefully leaving that option out.

In proper teenaged fashion, they looked at me blankly refusing to take any responsibility for something that might happen. This left things up to me. I decided the perfect holiday dinner was sandwiches and salad. They loved the idea. Therefore, two years ago, I made all my plans, until my wife intervened.

She told me how much she loves the way I make ham. My son chimed in that I make the best potato salad ever. They gushed for hours about how wonderful these things were. I had no alternative but to make them on Christmas. Then my brother found out what I was doing and somehow got an invitation to the house. Uncle Fred from Florida was next, then a friend or two, and all of a sudden, I was making a dinner for twenty. 

Do you have any idea how long it takes to peel ten pounds of potatoes? Of course, no one could help. They were busy with their gifts. This is how I came to spend Christmas morning, in the kitchen, vowing to never do this again. I baked ham, made salad, and was somehow talked into baking two pies. I have no idea how that happened.

Another option

Last year I took matters into my own hands, promising myself I would not spend it cooking in a hot kitchen. I bought a ton of eggrolls, pizza rolls, cheese sticks, and taquitos. Stuff you throw in the oven for a few minutes and done. If someone got hungry, they just had to go to the freezer, get some snacks, warm them up and eat. Anybody can do that. Correction, anybody but my family.

I was resting in my chair, when I started feeling a bit peckish. Knowing what was there, I went to the freezer. Seeing me move, my son asked if I’d make a few extra. Agreeing, I put some jalapeno poppers in the oven. My daughter saw me, the oven heated, and asked for some pizza rolls. Being a good dad, when the poppers were out, I put in some rolls, and went back to my chair. My wife saw food, and decided she wanted taquitos. I had to take my daughter’s rolls out anyway, so I put some in for her.

Are you getting this? I bounced up and down more times than a pogo-stick competition. They all took different temperatures. I couldn’t put them in at the same time. Then my son announced his girlfriend was coming over. This triggered friends from the other two. Bing bang boom, I spent Christmas in the kitchen again.

Maybe the best option

This year I’ve invited the whole family for turkey. At least I know what I’m in for.