What is happening?

I was at my local donut place and saw something disturbing. They’re selling avocado toast, and almond milk lattes at the donut shop. They even had a bran donut with sugar-free glaze. I was shocked! This is the donut shop. The last bastion of unhealthy caloric goodness in the world, and they are promoting a healthy menu. It blew my mind.

The thing that really hurt was I had been going to Princess Donuts for the past forty years. It’s a big part of my childhood. Suddenly, they’ve decided to change the name to Princess Mornings. I asked, “Why?” I was informed they want to compete with bigger chain coffee houses and, bring in a younger hipper crowd. What’s that all about? I don’t want a Princess Morning. I want a donut. 

Whenever, I wanted a cup of coffee and a donut, I always went to their shop and got one, or two, or even three if I was feeling peckish. But now, instead of promoting their superior-lemon-glaze, they’re advertising free Wi-Fi. I don’t need, or want Wi-Fi. I go there escape my computer-based world, and to get sweet yummies of course.

Help we’ve been invaded

The funny thing about this particular freebie is now all the shops on that block offer it. If I walk in, my phone tings me to ask which Wi-Fi I want to use. I have to myself from stop ordering goodies to tell the stupid machine I’m only going to be in there a minute, and it shouldn’t link up to any of them. Right after that, the bloody thing informs me it’s already picked one, and I have to agree to the terms and conditions. I came in for a treat, not to have an argument with my electronics.

This is the way of the world. I was in a bookstore a while back, and they had just remodeled their cooking section. I thought it might be nice to check out some new recipes, so I went over. The whole thing was about healthy eating; Less Fat and Delicious, Extra Flavor Without Salt, Eat Pasta, Lose Weight, and of course, Squirrel Treats Without the Cholesterol. Just once I’d like to see the titles: More Butter Means More Yummy, God Created Red Meat but Man Fashioned Soy Burgers. Who’s Smarter? Or Yes You Can Eat This Much Cheese, you only live once.

By Uncommon Sense

Healthy eating is for the birds. Think about it this way: Early man ate mammoths and evolved bigger brains. We started farming, and the changes slowed. Now we eat rice cakes or honey granola, and sit and stare at electronics all day. To make our lives better we need to eat real food, not air-fried cardboard.

Potatoes are another example. When you make mashed potatoes, you peel them, then add cream and butter. Now folks tell us that the white part of the tuber has no nutrients. They promote eating the dirty skin because that’s where the vitamins are. The thing is that part doesn’t taste good. Why are they telling us to eat the crap, when we already know how to make those things taste great.

Another way to make potatoes great is to cut them up and deep fry them. Yum Yum! Now we’re supposed to bake our fries to make them healthier. They’re called fries for a reason. They’re not called bakes. Are you beginning to see my point?

Call it what you will

Not only, are the young health-conscience hipsters messing with my food, they’re screwing up how to say it. When I was a kid, on special TV nights, my mom would cut up meats, and cheeses for dinner. She’d toss them on a plate with crackers and us kids would nosh in front of the set. I did that for my kids, and they were so happy to get a charcuterie board. What the heck is a charcuterie? It had a great name that clearly explained what it was; Plate of meat and cheese. But then those New Age idiots had to screw it all up to make it cool, and confusing as hell.

Well, I’ve had enough. It’s high time we went back to calling a phone, a phone and not a communications device. We need to get back to eating food, and stop scanning the ingredients for wheat, butter, milk, peanuts, and rat droppings. Some of my best childhood memories are centered around Hot Dogs. There is an actual, FDA inspected, and described, and approved limit of rat droppings in those sausages. They were good enough for my ancestors. SO, they’re good enough for the kids of the future.

And speaking of peanuts, I’m getting sick and tired of warning labels saying, “May Contain Peanuts.” Yes, peanut allergies are terrible. This is a fact, but when you go to the store to buy a Snickers Peanut Bar, or a jar of peanut butter, you should know they contain peanuts. You don’t need that label which states the obvious. Do they honestly believe someone with a severe allergy is going to pick up a jar of peanut butter and ask, “I wonder if this peanut butter contains peanuts?”

Either way it’s stupid

I’m not sure why, but I’m sure healthy eating has place in our world. What I regret is having it driven down my throat with a fork lift. I was in Chicago recently, and I got some Chicago deep dish pizza. Imagine a bread bowl filled with cheese, tomato sauce, and sausage. It’s a lot like that except with more cheese, and sausage grease. It was delicious. I don’t think I tasted anything so good in years.

I think my recommended caloric intake is about twenty-two-hundred a day. I got that and more in the first bite, and I ate three pieces. While I was sitting there, some lady asked the server if the cheese was lactose free. I almost got up and slapped her.

Look folks, I read a lot of blogs, and many are concerned with mental health. What I wonder is, “How much would it improve if we just ate real again . You’d be surprised what a piece of pie with a scoop of ice-cream can do for your mental health. It’s even proven that chocolate has health effects. So, munch heartily.

What do charts know anyway?

If you ask the charts, I should weigh about one-forty-five. Three years ago, I got sick and my weight dropped to one-fifty-seven. I looked emaciated. When the docs saw me, I was congratulated on my body-mass index.

This makes no sense. That’s why I’m jumping on my soap box and screaming, “Eat fried foods and be happy.  Nutrition is the enemy of taste.” Join with me. Eat horrible food, and enjoy it.

Plusses and minusses

On the other hand, I do think folks should run every day. If you don’t, you might not make it back from the kitchen before the commercials end in between your favorite shows. Running is also a great talent during cupcake sales at your local market. I exercise all the time, and believe me It’s worth it. Even though it is the toughest three minutes of my week.

Wow, this was exhausting. I need some carrot sticks… With a ton of ranch dip!

https://youtube.com/watch?v=jQnIL-XPerQ%3Fsi%3DfismMUOstCRt2TGo