A common scenerio

Have you ever been cruising down the highway, as fast as you like, when all of a sudden there’s one crazy person who has the unmitigated gall to drive the speed limit? You hit the brakes, and find yourself going slower than molasses in January. You can’t pass him, because all the normal folks are zipping by like they’re running away from a zombie apocalypse. Suddenly, there’s a line of five cars behind you all trying to get into the other lane as well. It becomes a real mess with every car jockeying for position in an attempt to get around that stupid slow idiot.

If this hasn’t happened to you, don’t worry it will. Either way, whether it has on hasn’t, next time you finally get past that crazy driver, Wave. It’s probably me. I do this proudly. In fact, I occasionally run a tally on the number of cars I can collect behind me. It’s actually quite fun. You should try it sometime.

And an uncommon one

The thing is I’m rarely in a hurry. I do stupid things like leave early, and adjust my schedule for weather and traffic conditions. Nuts, Right! I also like to get to work early. I can get so much more done when my boss doesn’t know I’m there than when she does. I know what you’re all thinking, “OMG! What a freaking lunatic!”

Before you unfollow me, erase my site from your favorites page, burn the device you read me on, and move to Augusta, Australia to be as far away from me as you can and still be on Earth, (you could go to the moon, but space suits are bulky and uncomfortable) think about this: Why is everyone in a hurry? Even if you leave late the chances are you’re going to be late no matter what. You can’t go fast enough to go back in time. You’re late. Enjoy it. Sip your coffee and relax.

You’re going to have to make an unbelievable excuse to your boss either way. You may as well slow down, and create a good one. As Grampa Ohh! used to tell us, “If you’re going to tell a lie, make it a damn lie. They’re easier to remember.” Also, if you’re two hours late, alien abduction is far more likely than if you’re five minutes late. I’m just saying.

Patience Is…

They say that Patience is a Virgin, or Virtue or viscous liquid or something. Of course, they also say Patience is married to Intelligence. Frankly if she’s married, it’s really unlikely Patience is a virgin. Then again, intelligent geeky guys aren’t usually good at getting girls. So, Patience and Intelligence could be wed, but she’s waiting for him to make the first move, and he’s too busy with algebra to think of her as a sex object. It’s really hard to tell.

As far as being a Virtue. Virtues are nothing more than morally acceptable traits. As I look at the numerous nudniks which make up the human race, patience is rarely acceptable. People hate patient folks. Patient people go slow, and smile a lot. This is not an acceptable trait. Humans want to run and push and generally make themselves look stupid. In this day and age, stupidity is an acceptable trait but not patience. We’ve gotten so stupid and impatient, we no longer accept the stupidity and impatience of others. Somehow, I’m not seeing this a virtuous. How about you?

As far as the whole viscous liquid thing; Well, I never really expected to explain that one anyway. So, I guess we can all just forget it and move on. What? Are you getting impatient with me? Maybe there is something to the liquid thing. I’ll have to investigate it further. Please be patient, or viscous or something.

Fun games to play with others

Now that we’ve defined patience, I’d like to go back to some fun games patient folks can play to make their life more interesting. I call this one Parallel Frustration. It’s really easy to play. As you drive along wait until you see somebody darting in and out of traffic to make progress. Then when you get ahead of them drive parallel to another car, and stay there. They will inevitably come up behind you and the other car. Now, you can count the times they change lanes to try to pass. If they change four times you win, but you can earn extra points if they honk the horn at one of you, zip into oncoming traffic to get around, or if they get so angry their hair catches fire. What fun!

I also love the game called Beep-Pause. Say you’re stopped at a traffic signal, and it changes. If the car behind you beeps the horn in less than a second, you pause. Now you time the seconds until the second beep. The quicker it comes and the longer the honk all earn you bonus points. Remember to smile and wave, if the driver flips you off once you move. That will ruin their day for sure, and give you a lift better than three shots of espresso.

Driving folks nuts while not driving

Now, I’ve only been talking about driving, but impatient folks are anywhere. Driving allows you to be bolder. You don’t actually see the idiots eye-to-eye. This being said, you might not want to just stand in the impatient person’s way. That could lead to confrontation and security being called. What I suggest instead is that you just move at a leisurely pace, and smile and apologize a lot. Try something like; “Oh, I’m sorry. Was I blocking your way?”  Or “Gee I didn’t see you there.” Or “Oooo I didn’t mean to trip your bratty kid. Maybe you should tell him not to run in stores. Sorry”

Do you see how these things can work in your favor? You’re being so nice they can’t say anything. This has a two-fold benefit; First, they get so angry because you dared to delay them for a precious second. But it also stifles them from saying anything because you sincerely apologized. Their blood pressure will go through the roof. You can actually see the smoke come out of their ears.

It’s all really for the best

Speaking of blood pressure, I actually feel if you keep these tactics up, you’re doing the world a public service. Think about it. When they turn red, it’s because more blood is flowing to their face. You’ve helped their circulation. When you do this for prolonged periods, their blood pressure stays high and forces those fat molecules from clogging their arteries. Their anger burns unwanted calories, you’ve helped with the country’s obesity problem. Who knows? If their tension stays high enough for long periods, it might relieve constipation. However, if this happens in the middle of a store, it could be severely embarrassing. Then again, a little embarrassment is good for the soul. The health benefits just keep coming.

In conclusion, we all must remember that impatient folks need people like us. If we weren’t here their lives would be tranquil, and no impatient person on this earth wants that. Remember we need them too. Without them we’d be reduced to laughing at ourselves.

Of course, that’s good too.