It’s only natural

I have a healthy respect for Nature. In fact, I love Nature. When I go out into Nature, I am in awe of what I see. Unfortunately, Nature does not feel the same about me. Nature disrespects me whenever it can. Even, the lowly weeds in my garden are signs of Nature snubbing its nose at me saying, “Ha! You think you have control over me.”

Even the pets, I have welcomed into my home, conspire with Nature against me. The dog eats everything in sight until it has to go to the vet, and be treated for eating the wrong thing. The cat believes I’m not happy unless I’m bleeding from a major artery. And the rabbit is trying to make wood sculptures from my family’s antique heirloom furniture. All this for my crime of thinking I can control Nature just a little bit.

A little too ‘natural’ if you ask me

It’s even worse for my cousin Frank. Nature made him yearn, his whole life, to be a zoologist. His love for animals knows no bounds. Yet, Nature also made him allergic to dogs, cats and many small mammals. “No cuddly creatures for you Frank!”, Nature laughs.

Then Frank met Baby-Bun-Bun. His joy knew no bounds when he could hold her, and not go into anaphylactic shock. He even went to his allergist to be tested. No! He is not allergic to rabbits; Long, or short hair. He’s not even susceptible to the cousin of the rabbit, hares. He was thrilled. Nature smiled and bided her time.

He adopted two cute little baby bunnies, and named them Smith and Wesson. (Don’t Ask!) I know I’d shoot Nature if I got the chance, but I didn’t think he would. Either way, he purchased about two-hundred-dollars’ worth of supplies, gave them an entire room, and a hallway to romp around in, and shops a fresh organic produce stand every day to make sure they’re healthy. Nature just laughed quietly.

After a week, Frank started having breathing issues. He went to his doctor. The doc said it was an allergic reaction. Back to the allergist for another test. No, he’s not allergic to rabbits. He’s allergic to timothy hay.

For those of you who don’t know, the main component of a rabbit’s diet is timothy hay. They must have it to keep healthy. Everything else can be substituted. Nature couldn’t hold it in a moment longer. It started a belly-laugh so hard I heard it twenty-three-miles away. This may or may not be how the bunnies got their names, but it does make you think.

Frank now takes prescription meds, twice-a-day, just for the privilege of having a little bit of Nature in his house. And folks call me an idiot. Well, I am, but not for the same reasons as Frank.

Man vs Nature

As you can see, Nature apparently has a strong contempt for my family. I’m not saying it’s for humanity as a whole, but for us it’s very strong. I’m getting a vibe like maybe one of my ancestors bluffed Nature out of a big pot during a poker game one night, and frankly Nature is a sore loser. I mean there is evidence all over the world telling us, Nature never forgets. So, if she lost on a foolish bluff I can see where she’d still be pissed several generations later. What I don’t understand is what’s happening now.

This week I got a letter from my Home-Owners-Association stating that we had to remove all bird feeders. Now, I like bird feeders. Frankly, feeding birds is the only thing Nature and I agree on. With the feeder, the colorful birds come close to the house. I can look at them, hear them sing, and they get lots of food. To me there’s no down side. Sadly, Nature never wants me to be happy, even to its own sacrifice.

Nature will win

Apparently, squirrels, the militants of the natural world, are not only raiding the feeders, but when the feeders are low have taken to bothering local dogs. Gloomily, most of the dogs around here are smaller than the squirrels. I live in a pitiful neighborhood. The HOA also believe the squirrels have recruited some local racoons to help in their endeavors. Racoons have always been a bit too mercenary for my liking, but that’s beside the point. Anyway, between the squirrels and racoons emptying feeders, and bothering dogs, the association feels the feeders have got to go.

This is not the first time this has come up, but this time there is a new development. This time some rogue squirrels tried to break into someone’s house. I don’t know why. Maybe the feeder was empty for more than a week. Maybe they had a dog bigger than a rat and the squirrels felt a preemptive strike was necessary. Maybe they saw a bag of bird seed on the table, and in a drooling fit of hunger thought they could get to it. Who knows? The thing is, now nobody can have a bird feeder.

Place the blame correctly

I say, “No Fair!” Birds aren’t the problem. Squirrels are! I have been screaming this message for years now and nobody listens. All I hear is, “Squirrels are soooo cute!” Who cares if they’re cute. They’re beasts from the sixth level of Dante’s Hell. I admit they don’t show up in Paradise Lost. But that’s because they were so horrible in the first draft, he pulled them out so the church would publish it. I’ve had experience with publishers, and they all require edits.

Instead of banning feeders, the HOA needs to hire an exterminator. Get rid of Nature’s little hit beasts, before they come for you. If they don’t it’s only going to get worse. Do those folks ever think of the consequences of their actions? What happens when all the bird feeders are gone?

The consequences

I’ll tell you what will happen; First the birds will go away, and our world will get bleak and brown. Then the squirrels will come looking for the food. There won’t be any. The squirrels are already militant. How do you think they’ll act, when they’re hungry and crabby? It’ll be pandemonium. Hostages will be taken. Innocents will die. The deer population will start a black market digging up the tulip bulbs you forked out sixty bucks for. I’m telling you the only thing keeping the little tree rodents down now is that the birds give them half of what’s in those feeders.

As for the breaking and entering charges, the feeders are up now. They might be empty, because it’s been a little rainy around here, but the beasts know that the stupid humans will fill them again once they can get back outside. A few went berserk, and attacked, but not the majority. When the main thrust all start breaking into houses, who can say what the damage will be. Also, there’s no juvenal court to dissuade squirrels, like there is for young prankster humans.

The only correct conclusion

I’ve been saying this for years, and now Mr. Ohh!’s predictions have come true. Is this the first sign of the apocalypse? I don’t know, but I know this; Squirrels Must Die!