Natural history

In 1807 Napoleon Bonaparte, yea that one, (not the one who sang They’re Coming To Take Me Away Ha-ha (See Below)), arranged a rabbit hunt for the military. As rabbits are cute harmless animals, his men released a thousand rabbits onto a field. The rabbits attacked.

They started their assault, by running up the emperor’s trouser leg. Men were taking sticks and trying to beat them off their glorious leader. The rabbits quickly overwhelmed the stick bearers, drawing much blood with tooth and claw. Eventually, the men sounded retreat, barely escaping in carriages. The rabbits pursued, but the horses were faster.

Honestly, they should’ve known what would happen. Didn’t they ever see the classic 1949 Merrie Melody cartoon: Rebel Rabbit? Actually, any Bugs Bunny cartoon would’ve shown them what a rabbit was capable of. Admittedly, most rabbits don’t have a Bronx accent, but that’s beside the point.

Anyway, Napoleon hired a PR firm to whitewash the event, and sent sending hush-money to most of the men. Almost as if they were porn stars, but I digress.

Natural enemies

Despite all his efforts, the story leaked out. They must have had some great investigative reporters back then, Woodward and Bernstein would be proud.

The point of all this is to firmly state, that Napoleon was defeated only twice. Once by the Duke of Wellington, and once by rabbits. That’s why they kept exiling him to the island of Elba. It was fairly unpopulated, with plenty of armed rabbits to keep the former emperor in line.

The thing is those rabbits weren’t armed. Animals don’t need guns. Animals have sharp teeth, claws, super speed, and plenty of illegal botanicals to munch on. Face it. No rabbit was ever arrested for chomping on a Coca plant, or an Opium poppy. It’s no wonder most animals are skittish, act paranoid, and run around like crazy idiots.

Natural habitat

I myself own a rabbit. We call her Baby-Bun-Bun. I’ve no idea what rabbits might call her. Frankly, I’m betting the rabbit-name is much more dignified, but I was not delegated with naming duties. So, I guess I can’t complain. Besides, the bunny might like the new name, and I don’t need any more enemies in my house.

You see, I live on the continent of North America. Unlike the more interesting parts of the world, we only have four types of mammals here; Rodents, Canines, Felines, and Cervids. Three of these types already live in my house, and that’s enough. If anyone thinks I’m taking a moose as a pet, they’re sadly mistaken. Although, it would be a great conversation starter.

The point is, I know something about animals. I feed them, and they make me feel alive. Mostly, with pain and bloodletting, but let’s not cloud the issue with useless facts. One thing I know is animals teach us stuff every day. For instance, if Wonder-Dog wants to go out at four in the morning, he goes to the door. If I’m not there to open it, he craps on the carpet. Consequently, I’m very well trained to be at that door, at four in the morning.

The cat’s the same way. If she wants attention, she comes by and rubs my leg. If I don’t respond in a timely fashion, her claws, and large amounts of blood, appear. Again, I’m well trained to know her moods. Every vet says we should train our pets with rewards. Animals don’t do that. They train with punishment, and I’m better trained than any of my pets. I say the vets are wrong, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Natural selection

This happens in nature as well. My friend Pooja, from Life’s Fine Wine, lives in Kenya. She tells me that the telephone poles are twenty-five feet tall, so giraffes can walk under the wires. Long ago they were shorter but the giraffes pulled the wires down. Wow, they trained us fast enough.

Pooja also mentioned she sees leopards in her backyard. Leopards aren’t supposed to be in folks’ backyards, but the big cats don’t follow our rules. I think someone should walk right up to those Leopards and tell them what’s what. That person might get eaten, but it’s worth a try.

Speaking of leopards, another friend, mentioned if a leopard is attacking your goats, you should send out your smallest child to pull its tail. Apparently, if a grown man does this, the cat attacks. If a child does it, the cat thinks it’s cute, and runs away. I just wonder how many people turned into Kitty Yummies before the animals taught us this lesson.

Natural movement

The thing is, animals don’t give a crap about us. My sister has an air tight house, but last week my she found a skunk in her basement. So much for her contractor. Rats and snakes are known for coming through the plumbing, and entering a house up through the toilet.

When my cousin heard that, he started praising the use of out-houses. Then while camping, he found a wolf spider was living in one. Without going into detail, Let’s just say he couldn’t sit for a month.

Nature is mean and uncaring, and it’s living in my house. Admittedly, the animals have me pretty well trained, but the plants are ruthless. I keep orchids, and I’m the one who has to be careful. I once had one who’s fragrance would put you to sleep. This is bad because, if you’re asleep, you can’t listen to the animals. They get cranky when you’re not listening.

Natural life

My father owned a large cactus. Once his wife slipped and fell into it. Fifteen stitches and a course of antihistamines later, she came home to find the stupid plant blooming. Coincidence? I don’t think so. She made a mistake and nature ate heartily.

This is what I really don’t understand. Houses are supposed to keep nature out. Then we bring selected pieces in, and I’m the worst one. I have three animals, and six plants inside my house. Then I stare out the window, looking longingly at the birds.

Naturally the tale of Chet

Speaking of birds, I have to tell you about Chet. Chet’s a male goldfinch who wants to get near my flowers. At six am, I’d hear a sudden series of bangs. Chet was flying into my picture window several times every morning to get to them. I’d have to chase him away, until next morning.

Eventually he cracked the window. I paid eight-hundred-bucks for a new window, all for not closing the curtains. As for Chet, he and the wife are doing well. The even come by my feeders on a regular basis. He’s not bitter. He was just trying to tell me something, and I didn’t listen.

Natural suspision

Naturalists tell us, animals don’t talk. If that’s the case they’re texting an awful lot. I know they’re communicating somehow, and they’re out to get me. I don’t know why? I’ve never done anything to them. Well, except for those nasty squirrels, but those tree rats deserve what they get. I love nature, even the flora and fauna in my house. But that doesn’t stop nature from trying to kill me. Am I crazy or what?

Don’t answer that!