Preshow

Life is full of uncertainties. So, it’s good to have some things you can count on; Like, flowers blooming in the spring, birds returning after the winter migration, and the fact you’ll glue your fingers together every time you touch a tube of Super-Glue. I do sometimes wonder about that last one. You’d think with all today’s technology they’d come up with a way to avoid such things. But I guess gluing your fingers together is somehow highly important for national security. Who knew? Just don’t touch the flag.

Another great consistency is the beatles. There are still, books being written, and monthly magazines praising them. Those little bugs are really popular. Frankly, I don’t see it. I often wonder who their press agent is. I’d love to get that guy promoting my stuff, but that’s beside the point.

An indication of just how popular beetles are, is the rock group named after them. They were in the public eye for only eight years. This was before I was born, but folks are still writing stories about them. Not bad for a group named after, crop eating vermin.

Warm-up act

The thing is The Beatles are also said to be responsible for, changes in the music industry, social upheaval, and mass episodes of teenage screaming. I’ve raised three teenagers, and frankly their screaming is never a good thing. It should be outlawed, along with most everything else teenagers do. Sadly, this is also beside the point.

These days a lone female pop-singer rivals the popularity of The Fab Four. She’s all over the place. I’m sure she’ a good musician, and all. But do I really need to see her picture everywhere? Who is this phenom, taking over the world? Well, her name could be Abigail Stenkowski. But actually, it’s not

Act I

I was in line at the market, and saw a magazine cover of her taking a cake out of the oven. It didn’t instill me with a whole bunch of confidence for the future of America. The thing was; the cake she was removing was already frosted. I’m no great baker, but I do know you can’t put a frosted cake in the oven. The icing melts. It makes an icky, sticky mess. Also, you’re supposed to frost a cake after it’s baked. This girl’s out there, somehow, icing a cake while it’s still a liquid batter. Even yuckier!

The thing also had strawberries on the top. Strawberries turn to mush when heated. Yet, these were firm and colorful. I’m strongly beginning to believe this photo was faked. Either that or she took a perfectly lovely, decorated cake and was putting it back in a hot oven. This is a mistake on so many levels. Stick to singing Abigail. Baking is not your forte’.

  The real issue comes in where, someone in a high place thinks I’m interested in some singer’s baking. Look my daughter bakes. When she does, the kitchen, and especially herself, ends up covered in flour. Another thing not shown in this picture. They’re promoting fake news. Be that as it may, I never want to see my daughter while she bakes. I’m usually heading for the hills in fear. I’m certainly not taking pictures of her.

Act II

There was also a magazine featuring the woman surrounded by dogs and cats. Also, unbelievable. I have one cat. Any time a flash goes off within thirty miles of my house, she opens long bloody gashes on my arms. She definitely will not sit with me to have a photo taken. Yet singing Abby (?) was featured with three cats and two dogs. That picture was either faked of the animals were stuffed and mounted. There is no other option.

I do admit, most of the publications contain only pictures of concerts. I once picked one of these up, and behind those innocuous shots, there was an even greater mystery. My mysterious singer does a three-hour show every night, with no breaks. She never even pauses to go to the bathroom. Not possible!

Some have hinted, she might be wearing an adult diaper, and just goes when the spirit moves inside. I don’t believe it. I’ve seen those concert pics, and if she’s wearing anything under those tight skirts… Well, without getting too graphic, my male hormones really don’t believe she is. Enough said!

ActIII

As I looked further into the mag, another thing hit me. If she takes no breaks, as the publication tells me. How can she wear nine different dresses during one show? Is she changing clothes on-stage? That would certainly change the tone of the concert for me. I have to assume she must be, though the photos never show a folding changing-wall. Another thing, how does she possibly make such changes while singing? I’m betting you can’t hit the high notes while fumbling for a zipper down your back. Agreed, I haven’t worn many dresses, and I don’t know personally.

Then there’s the gossip rags. Those tell tales of things even more confusing. Reading them, you find out she may, or may not be in love. She’s either the meanest or nicest person who ever lived. Or even, in reality, she’s a human sized Smurfette wearing pink makeup. Created by a magic potion, to fulfil some evil plan of Papa Smurf. Granted, that one wasn’t from the most reliable source, but still.

Audience faves

There’s just too much attention focused on this one celebrity. You never know what to believe. One noted source says she’s in a happy relationship. Then another claims she’s a space alien. I guess both could be true, but her boyfriend might be in for some big surprises when she comes home. Although, being an alien might explain how she makes those costume changes and avoids bathroom breaks. The super-intelligent planet she comes from may have found the solutions to these problems. I’m not saying it’s true. It would just answer a lot of questions, that’s all.

With all this publicity, the ticket prices for this concert have skyrocketed to over six-hundred bucks a seat. I can remember when a decent concert cost twenty. She even named the show for the eons of her life. Truly, Abigail doesn’t even look one eon old. But hey, with good diet, exercise, and a crap ton of makeup, who knows?

Encore

It is for this and other reasons that today I’m announcing the Mr. Ohh! Week to Week-And-A-Half tour. The name refers to the various weeks I’ve been really funny. I ain’t going anywhere, but with that title I’m bound to get all the magazines to feature me on their covers. Think of the publicity. Think of the prestige. Actually, to heck with all that. Think of the money.

If all goes well, everybody will forget about her, and they’ll be talking about Mr. Ohh! sixty years from now. I’ll be more popular than The Beatles. Yes, it’s going to be a difficult goal. But with lots of hard work, it’ll be attainable.

Wait! Did I say “Lots of hard work?” Eww! On second thought, maybe a rethink is in order. Whew, that was close. I almost had to actually do something.