Snow job

Where I live it is currently snowing. Not bad snowing like, say the south pole. More annoying snowing which makes you dread leaving the house. But since you know how to drive in it, you go about your day swearing that someday you’re moving to a tropical climate like Guam. Then you realize Guam is one the most expensive places in the world to live. So, you swear some more, and decide to move to Cincinnati, which still has a little snow, but way less than you do. As an added bonus, it’s far more affordable than Guam.

I actually interviewed for a job in Guam once. It’s beautiful there, very pretty. Sadly, the company that wanted me was pretty as well; Pretty stupid that is. They flew me halfway around the globe to tell me they weren’t interested in hiring me anymore. Seriously! In the two days it took me to fly there, including two layovers, they decided on someone else. Consequently, the week I was supposed to be there, being enticed to take their position, turned into forty-eight hours. Most of which I spent sleeping off my jet-lag in a hotel room. They spent over two grand so I could sit in a cramped airline seat for four days. Sure, it was uncomfortable, but paying high prices for crappy airline food, really made it into one hellish vacation. Thanks, but no thanks!

Stupid is as stupid does

That’s the thing about this strange world in which we live. Stupidity rules. It’s not supposed to make sense. It’s like what highly-paid corporate big-wigs call Customer Service. At one time this meant talking to customers and helping them with their problems. People were actually involved in this process. I know, to most of you, this sounds crazy. Like maybe a really good dream. Then again, some of you may remember this nonsense.

These days intelligence and technology rule. Whenever you call, just about any company’s help line, you get a recording stating, “Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line, and it will be answered soon.” This may be intelligent, cost effective, good for the environment, and help the CEO with his hemorrhoids, for all I know. But it is not customer service. It’s a bare faced lie, and I’ll tell you why.

Your call isn’t very important to us

As many folks have noticed, your call is not very important to them. If it was, they’d pick up the freaking phone, and talk to us. Imagine if a regular person acted like these companies do. Maybe try giving your mother that message. Sure, it might make you smile in the short run. But you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. Or if you thought, “Yea, that call from those people selling me the platypus is important, but I’ll just ignore it for a while.” You’d likely lose your opportunity to own a platypus. You certainly wouldn’t want that.

Remember also, if you do stay on the line, you know your call will not be answered soon. Many times, I’ve waited over fifteen minutes. This is NOT soon. When it comes to phone calls soon is two or three minutes. I mean, the reason I’m calling is to complain. If they picked up the phone, I’d probably be civil. Sadly, by the time they decide to answer, I’m boiling mad.

Of course, the call never goes well. I scream and insult their pet fish, all while they follow a script which has nothing to do with my problem. Eventually, I have to pee so bad that I’ll agree to anything they say, just to get to the bathroom. I hang up with my blood pressure high enough to burst Hoover Dam. Next, they have the nerve to end the call with, “Have a nice day!” By then, it’s quite impossible to have a nice day. Thank you very much.

If they, somehow, do calm me down and fix my issue, I feel bad for getting angry. But fear not. The person on the line will undoubtedly give me cause to get angry all over again. You see I called to complain about their product. Would like to know what they feel the proper response to this is? They invariably try to sell me more product. What are they thinking? Don’t tell me I earned a special offer. Get off the phone and be happy I haven’t kicked your dog.

Sorry I don’t read you

Another bait-and-switch scheme, which bothers me is in books. I don’t like historical romance; therefore, I don’t read Jane Austin. Simple. I like Sci-Fi /Fantasy. These books start out great with lots of castles, dragons, mad computers, or some accident in outer space. Of course, there are men and women involved. Life just kind of works that way.

What I want to know is; Why does there have to be a sex scene? It adds nothing to the story, and usually goes on way too long. Most of the time it borders on erotica, telling me way more than I want to know.

After several pages of this, my face is red with embarrassment and I’m sending carrier pigeons to the author begging them to please get back to the story. I’d phone, but most likely I’ll get a recording saying my call is important, and never speak to anyone. But I digress.

Also in these books, all the men have rock hard abs, and the ladies are blessed with large chests. Plain looking people never seem to hook up. Oh, they’re in the books, as side-kicks, or comic relief. But they never go on dates. Actually, the comic guys should, by all rights, get the girl. They say a sense of humor is the most important trait ladies look for in guys. I guess laughter loses some of its importance, while being seared by a dragon’s breath, after an explosion in outer space. Who knew?

Alas poor Shakespeare

The reason I bring all this up isn’t just to fill up the word count in my blog post. (although it did this very nicely) No, I bring this up because of the Shakespeare festival my wife wants to go to this year. Now I’m not a big fan Old Willie, but my wife is, and as the bard himself once wrote, “To thine own wife be true” Well something like that.

Nevertheless, this festival books up quick so we had to buy our tickets months in advance. Ug! I had to shell out a bunch of cash to do something in six months, that I didn’t want to do anyway. The only saving grace was, one of the shows we were going to see was; Much Ado About Nothing. This is a comedy. Even though I don’t understand Ol’ Shakey-Rear, comedies are cool.

Sadly, this week we got a letter from them saying the bill has changed. Much ado has been replaced by The Tempest. What the heck is The Tempest? I thought tempest was a video game from the 1980’s. I hate watching my children playing video games. I certainly don’t want to see Shakespeare doing it.

I mean, can you see, Romeo blowing off Juliet to go play Pac-Man with his buds? No!

Geez!