I don’t agree

Comedian, Bobcat Goldthwait, is known to say, “Pets are our friends, but they can’t pick you up at the airport.” I emphatically disagree with this statement. No, for all the smart-alecks out there, I don’t believe they can pick you up at the airport. So there! But on the other hand, wouldn’t that be so cool? Then again, even if they could, a cat would never do it. Your dog might, but a cat no. Um, sorry, what was my point? Oh Yea!

The thing I disagree with is; Pets are our friends. I don’t know about yours, but my pets act like prisoners stranded on some deserted island, like maybe Alcatraz. Escape is impossible, so they make the best of it, by torturing the local population. That local population being the humans who foolishly welcomed them into the house.

The dog is plotting

It’s true. Take Wonder-Dog for instance. That dog is running a con game. It’s no wonder that famous painting shows dogs playing poker. Look at the picture. You can just tell the bulldog is cheating. Personally, I’m betting they’re all in on the sting. Probably with the collie running the con. I mean look at Lassie. With all the good publicity collies have gotten over the years, no one would suspect one to have criminal intent. Well, except me that is.

I’m guessing the Saint Bernard is the mark. Those dogs just have to be good. They even have ‘Saint’ in their name. Then again, the big guy could be a hustler trying to snag some money away from the Dog-Mafia. You never know. Also, though I’ve never considered W D a saint. The hustler is certainly the part he’d play.

Take his status in the house for instance. As a puppy, he was a gift to my children. Now, they’re grown and caught on to his games. As the opportunist he is, he’s attached himself to my wife. I could tell you stories of him stealing cake off the table, breaking into cupboards to get extra treats, or plotting with the rabbit, to try to get me out of the picture because I know too much.

That’s when the big con comes into play. He shows the big eyes or his soft underbelly, to my wife, and she caves. Then I get in trouble for leaving food out in the first place. I didn’t leave it out. I just stepped away from it for a second. Scientifically it has to be my fault. It could never be the dog’s. He’s just an animal and doesn’t know any better. Yea, right!

The cat is above all this

Then there’s the cat, Capn’ Blood. I’m sure, most of you will say she’s the leader of my gang of animals. No way. She considers herself so far above the others, they don’t even appear on her radar. Unless, of course, she needs them to get something she wants. Then, and only then, the others are acceptable allies. Sadly, if the dog tries to start the conversation, he gets a scratch on the nose for acting inappropriately.

Now it’s said, every pet will bond with one member of the household. For the dog it’s my wife. The rabbit has my daughter. And the cat has attached herself to me. Literally, and quite often actually. Also, she does this with all the pain you’d expect. My son brought this beast into the house, way back when, but it is I who bear the scars of her affection. Yes, there are times when she sees me sitting and comes by, just to give me her love. It’s usually when I sit down at my computer to work. In these moments it’s best to just pet her, and wait for her to get her butt of the freaking keyboard. Enough said.

The thing about all this is, she is so darn cute. Cats are cute, and there are a million and six videos, flying around the internet to prove it. Dogs, the loyal con-men of the animal world, don’t get a third of that notoriety. You’d think they would. Cats hate being noticed and are constantly filmed, while dogs who want it get nothing. Of course, it could be that dogs are such successful con-artists, because they don’t have the publicity.

Never trust a rabbit

All this brings us to rabbits. They’re cuter than cats and so fluffy. Those long ears are just so adorable. Every child in the world wants one… Blah, Blah Blah. Look, you only need to watch how Bugs Bunny treats Elmer Fudd to know the truth. Why do folks deny what’s right in front of their eyes, just to keep perpetuating a myth.

I own a rabbit and have stories that would curl your hair. Then again, I could say the same about my daughter. As I said, the two of them are bonded, and almost inseparable. They’re like evil witches, casting spells on everyone entering the house. Those unsuspecting visitors take one look at Baby-Bun-Bun, and scream, “Oh how cute!” But she’s not cute. She’s evil. Why am I the only one who sees this.

I seriously want to find the press agent rabbits hired all those years ago to give them that pristine image. It had to be one heck of an ad campaign. That’s like advertising Elizabeth Bathory, the countess who slew hundreds of young girls, was just a little bit eccentric. Well, okay, maybe not. But bunnies are still terrible.

Let me give you a quick story: Baby-Bun-Bun used to live in a large cage in my daughter’s room. After about a year, the creature started making so much noise at night, my daughter couldn’t sleep. We moved the cage to my rec-room. She stuck her head out and started munching my books. I moved my shelves and the rabbit ended up claiming the space, where they used to be. With double her original space, she went to work on my furniture. I was told rabbits do this to mark territory. We ended up purchasing a dog fence and taking the chairs out of her way.

Ohh Woe Is Me

It seems every time she does something wrong, she gets more territory and I get less. Now she owns the room and I have to share. She growls at me when I’m writing. If you’ve never heard a rabbit growl, believe me you don’t want to.

You should see by now; animals are set on dominating humans as slaves. I know mine are. I believe there is an international syndicate of pets planning all this. You may ask how they communicate with most of them secluded in houses? That’s easy; Squirrels. Those tree rats run between houses and pass the word.

Don’t believe me? Watch a chained dog sometime. There’s always a squirrel just outside the length of the chain; the dog barking and the squirrel chittering. Then the tree-rat runs away and the dog sits back happily. They just plotted another crime and did it right under our noses.

You say they’re natural enemies. That’s what they want you to think. A little bit of chasing keeps us silly humans off guard.

I hope all of you take this information to heart!

You Have Been Warned!