Happy New Year!!

It’s a new year! Time for new beginnings, new improvements, new pet lizards. (not my idea) Also, if your pets are anything like mine, new wounds. Let me tell you Wonder-Dog really gets antsy in this wet spring weather. He’s starting to agree with the cat and rabbit that things are better when I’m bleeding. This, however, is beside the point.

You’re confused? You say, it’s not New Year’s Day. Well, I say it is. Why do we start the year in January? Half the world is suffering with bitter cold, and the other half is in the middle of a stifling heatwave. Not even the weather’s new, why should the year be?

Again and again

Do you see what I’m saying? A better start to the year would be April 1st. The temps go up, and plants start growing. The backyard starts smelling because of the dog’s land mines which were never cleaned up, and consequently frozen by the snow. April is a time of newness. Although I could do without the thawing dog turds. But that might just be me.

Also, no one makes resolutions in April. We just go back outside and smile at each other. We don’t like each other any better, but we do smile more. We say things like “I’m good the way I am. Fat, dumb, and happy. I won’t say I’m perfect, and that works for me.”

No Resolutions for me thanks. I’m driving

Now, there are some silly people who look at April and want to accomplish goals. My son wants to learn Japanese. I don’t know why, he just does. I mean good for him, but if he wants all this, January would have been a better time to start. Japanese is one of the top five hardest world languages to learn. English is up there as well, and he already speaks English. Now he’s going to have to compete with nice weather while he’s studying. Nice weather plays havoc with learning new stuff every time. He wants to speak two of the world’s hardest languages and doesn’t know why. That sounds like too much work to me.

There you have it; Mr. Ohh!’s theory on self-improvement. Make resolutions when it’s cold and there are few distractions. Feel bad about breaking those resolutions, as it starts to warm, and the world is sloppy and rainy. This kind of weather is highly conducive to feeling bad. Then as the weather gets better, your spirits lift, and you start the new year with the firm understanding that you’re just about perfect the way you are. You would’ve been a whole lot closer if you’d cleaned up the dog-turds before the thaw, but hey nobody’s perfect.

Well maybe just a small one

All this being said, his desire to change has gotten to me. I have actually made a New Year’s Resolution. Well, a New April resolution anyway. I’ve decided that after being with my wife for so long, I’m going to visit my wife’s family more. It’s going to be hard, but I have faith. I told my mother-in-law, Mrs. Y, I was planning this, and she screamed in happiness. Well, at least she screamed. In fact, she screamed a lot.

I don’t understand this. She always seemed in favor of me. I mean the very day we announced our engagement she cheered our union by putting our names together. I remember it like it was yesterday. I told her the news, she flew back to the couch, crying happy tears, and saying over and over, “Ohh! Y? Ohh! Y? Ohh! Y?” Yep, she loves that I married her daughter. I think!

You may ask, “Why is Mr. Ohh! bucking the system and trying to change something so established as the new year?” Well, why not? I mean, do you know why the new year is in January? I do, and it’s arbitrary!

You forgot to thank the druids

The druids of long ago didn’t like drinking in the daytime. You could only have beer after dark. Now, the shortest day of the year is December 21^st. The men druids celebrated by drinking all during that long night. Nine days later, the druid wives realized that night started a few minutes later and would be even later every night after that.

They decided this was a good time to sit their husbands down and make them straighten up. Hence, the new year was born. Also born was the New Year’s Resolution, as wives demanded their husbands stop drinking. These early promises probably only lasted until the ides of March; As in, I’ds rather not give up beer forever. March back home woman.

Those wives must have been tough. I mean, who takes the time to count how many minutes of daylight there are in a specific day. Frankly, I have better things to do. Besides, my phone can tell me this in a few seconds. But the druids were cheap, and never paid for unlimited data. Hence their wives got mad, and we have a stupid New Year celebration in January. See what I mean?

The reasons for my confusion

Another reason for starting the year randomly is because we want the past to be past. My mother got sick, and her cat had to stay in a kennel. When she came home from the hospital, she didn’t want the cat back in her house until it had a flea bath. Guess who got that job? Capn’ Blood would have been proud of the amount of blood loss, and she’s not impressed easily.

I got six stitches, and the doctor refused to give me a lollypop, because he was laughing so hard at the fact that I was stupid enough to bathe a cat. Now, do you want something like that hanging over your memory for a whole year? No! If I start the year on April 1^st, I can honestly say it happened last year. The amount of time doesn’t change but the attitude feels so much better.

Then there’s helping a friend move. They ask you for help, and you can truly tell them you haven’t seen your truck since last year. I agree, it was yesterday. Sure, you could look out the window and see your truck right now, but the point is you didn’t lie to your friend, and you didn’t have to help them move. It’s a win-win.

Even with all my examples, you may think I’m crazy. You’d be right, but this is beside the point. The thing is I’m not that far off; The Chinese start their year in February, Hebrews in September, Muslims in July. Why can’t I do it when it’s convenient for me? In fact, I might want to change when I start my year randomly. That’s what druids did.

Do you like multiples?

I might even want to start my year several times a year. A few days back my boss told me I’d get a big raise next year. Guess what? Tomorrow is next year. Frankly, so is June 1^st, and August 1^st for that matter.

Imagine getting that cost-of-living increase every two months. Unlike, the Chinese The Mr. Ohh! new year starts whenever I feel like it. I’m not a druid, and I’m not following their calendar.

So There!!