A trying begining

Let me try to set the scene. I mean I’ll understand everything I say because I was there. Sadly, you weren’t, and may not understand my scene-setting techniques. Then again, I might not be very good this, and must take my share in the blame if the scene is not properly set. I mean, I didn’t go to college for this, and thus can only try, instead of having the confidence that I will unquestionably succeed.

Actually, I’m not setting a scene at all. Scene setting a is the theatrical process of moving physical objects into their proper places. I’m not moving crap. I’m lazy. Instead, I’m going to describe something which happened to me last week. Sadly, I didn’t go to college for describing stuff either. This could still be a disaster because I’m just not qualified. Then again, no one else saw what I saw, so I’m probably the one most qualified to describe it. Kind of a sad state of affairs if you think about it.

This was no accident

Either way, let’s push on. This past week I was driving on a busy street with shopping areas on both sides. I was several cars behind the traffic light. Yes, I could have moved forward, but I would have blocked a driveway. As there was a car in the driveway, trying to pull out and I wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon, I stayed back to let that car out. Frankly, there was a lot of traffic and I’m not sure they could have moved anyway. But I was being courteous.

Then a space cleared. The other car started to slowly move forward. All of a sudden, another car broke loose from about five cars behind them. The idiot darted into the wrong lane, and shot into traffic, almost hitting me. Then while moving back into their lane, cutting off the car in front, this driver raced across four lanes of moving traffic, causing at least four folks to slam on their brakes, almost causing several accidents. It was quite exciting for all the wrong reasons.

For a moment the whole area was in shock. After a few seconds, we took stock of ourselves, assessed any brown or yellow messes we might’ve caused, and got on with our lives.

Thinking on it

This whole situation got me thinking. It was easy to conclude the young lady was a terrible driver. You could also conclude she was a complete idiot. But it goes further than this.

Agreed, everyone has the right to be an asshole, but frankly this girl was abusing the privilege. This aside, I started thinking about just how many idiots are on the road these days. It’s kind of an epidemic. In fact, crazy drivers are so prevalent I’m beginning to wonder if being stupid has become a new requirement on the driver’s test. Hey, I could have missed it. I mean, congress makes all kinds of laws that I don’t know about. I ignore most of them.

No Unicorns please

I mean recently, a large American city, (which will remain nameless), started issuing licenses legalizing the ownership of unicorns within the city limits. How stupid is that? Everyone knows, unicorns need forested areas and can’t be kept in your living room. They don’t take to the leash well at all.

Also, folks get tired of taking care of pets all the time. Where I live there’s an absolute epidemic of domestic rabbits being released into the wild. The shelters just can’t handle them all. Imagine if people started releasing unicorns randomly into the inner city. It would be pandemonium. You thought deer eating your tulips was bad? Unicorns sticking their horns through windows would be so much worse. What were those legislators thinking? But, as usual, I’ve gotten way off topic. I was talking about idiots and driving. I don’t even want to think about unicorns in traffic. It’s just too scary.

Aaaaand we’re back

Anyway, back to the senseless driver, and almost accident I witnessed. My brain began to wonder if I could have been the one in the wrong. I thought maybe I the missed the idiot requirement on the driver’s exam. I called the bureau of motor vehicles, and asked if there really was a stupidity requirement. They hung up on me, so I Googled it. Guess what? It’s not there. It wasn’t in a single one of the fifteen versions I looked up online. It’s almost like they don’t want you to be stupid while driving. Who could have guessed that?

Now, even though this driver was about twenty years old I don’t want to say all the stupid drivers are young. There are plenty of both old and young idiots driving around our communities. The worst part of it is they seem to want to do it in cars bigger than the state of Rhode Island.

Bigger ain’t better

These cars are called SUV’s. This stands for Stupid Unnecessary Vehicle, and they are. The original concept was they could go where there are no roads. I can see this, if you’re planning on out-running rhinos through gullies and streams in sub-Saharan, Africa. But in the cities of the USA? There’s lots of roads in these cities, and even more SUV’s. Everybody’s got one.

Even worse is that everybody’s making them. Cadilac, Mercedes Benz, Lexus, and even Ferrari makes an SUV. I don’t understand it. I just can’t see some billionaire saying to his friends, “Sorry Chauncey, I just can’t go to the board meeting. Muffy and I are planning to take the Ferrari through the swamps of Florida. Oh, I do hope the alligators won’t scratch the paint.” I mean, think about it, the Rolls-Royce Cullinan costs half a million dollars! I’d be afraid to drive that over a pot-hole let alone over a rutted woodland.

A stupid solution to a stupid problem

All this idiocy has to stop! I mean there is a solution but no one besides Mr. Ohh! is warped enough to think of it. Well, I’ve given it a lot of thought. After what I just saw I think the world finally needs to know. Now, this is going to take some serious warping of your intellect, so take your thinking caps off, and listen as I explain;

First, as I said, acting stupid behind the wheel is against the law and extremely dangerous. However, everybody does it. It’s gotten so bad that when I’m driving down the road flaunting the speed limit by ten or fifteen miles-per-hour, I’m the slowest driver around. An officer once stopped me when I was driving the limit to tell me to speed up. I was blocking traffic.

Second, everyone seems to want huge cars even though, we are constantly being told how bad they are for the environment. That’s not all. They’re very expensive to operate and maintain. But we don’t care as long as our car is bigger than yours.

Knowing all this, here’s the Mr. Ohh! solution. Make laws stating everyone MUST drive like a maniac and is required to drive a vehicle which alters the earth’s gravitational pull. Send the cops out to enforce this with large fines. Within two years, people will start driving safe small cars just to flaunt these laws.

I’m Telling You, It’ll Work!!