Very quotable

“What can be said? When one is unique, one knows it.” This is a quote from Hercule Poirot in Agatha Christie’s novel Black Coffee. I somehow feel very close to this quote. Although I’m not the egomaniac Poirot is. Then again, I look better than a short fat bald man with a huge mustache. So, it all works out. Of course, after looking back at that last sentence, maybe I am as big of an egomaniac as he. It might be worth thinking about, but not for very long. Let’s move on.

The reason I like this quote is because I’ve had a strange and varied life. At last count I’ve had fifteen different jobs in my illustrious career. I’d like to say I’ve done it all, however I’ve never been a unicorn trainer, or alien investigator at Area 51. So, I still have goals. As you probably know, the ubiquitous ‘They’ say goals are important, although they never tell you why. I’d ask them, but I don’t know just who they are.

Now I could go on and on about the varied jobs I’ve had, and you could get bored. It’s possible. Still, I can’t for the life of me understand how anyone could get bored with the wisdom of Mr. Ohh!. But it’s a big world out there. There could be someone. Probably not, but in my position, you have to consider everything.

Big titles Low man

The specific job I want to talk to you about is the summer I worked in a television studio. I was an audio engineer for a local human-interest program. Sounds impressive right? It’s not. All an audio engineer does is set microphone levels at the beginning of the program then sits back making sure nothing happens. You know, like if Godzilla were to stomp through the studio. He’s very loud. You’d have to bring down the mics when he roared. Of course, if the monster did step on the building, audio levels may not be your biggest problem. I’m just saying.

As there wasn’t always a show going on, I also worked as a production assistant. This is a fancy title for a job that’s just another load of bull-crap. The job description reads something like this: The production assistant works closely with the producer and director in order to make sure everything goes smoothly. What a load of hooey!

The P A does anything and everything anybody might want. It starts with running for coffee to finding elephants which can be ridden upon by some hot-shot celebrity. I’m not kidding. I once had to find a picture of the news anchor slaying a dragon. There aren’t any pictures of that. Mostly, because she wouldn’t be caught dead anywhere near a dragon. She might break a fingernail. What I had to do is find a good picture of a knight slaying a dragon and photo shop her face onto it.

And would you like to know what kudos I received for all that work? She said, “Looks great. Now go get me a latte.” This is because the anchor is something called Talent. Whereas production assistants are called Crew. Either that or Dog poo scraped from the bottom of your shoe. The titles are interchangeable.

Got Talent?

I will never figure out why, but for some stupid reason ‘talent’ is usually paid five to ten times as much as the crew but they do less than half the work. It’s no wonder everyone wants to be talent. They have special schools and college courses training hundreds of folks every day on how to be talent. Then about point zero, zero, one percent of these graduates achieves it.

You might think I sound bitter about these odds, but I don’t. Frankly I love it. Why? Simply because these days when I hit the studio, I am talent. Why would I rock the gravy train? I guess you really can’t rock a train. Boats and much better for rocking. Then again, I can rock or not rock anything I want. I’m Talent.

An even better thing is I am a unique talent. My looks and debonair style have made me a lot of money being the ‘before’ picture. You heard right. when I’ve done the various commercials, and short films, I’m never the guy who wins. Guys who win have ripped bodies, great hair, and usually teeth which sparkle in the sunlight. I have none of those. In the world of commercials, I have never made the right choice when buying exercise equipment, gone to the correct bank, or ever gotten the cheapest price on anything. If you could look through my archives, you’d think I was a total loser. And I am! But I’m a total loser who gets paid as talent. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.

But here’s the thing

Where I’m going with all this is, I need help. We need more losers and idiots to step up, and show the world we’re just not as good as the rest. The problem is losers are just so intimidating. Regular people are afraid of us. So much so that even the idiots of this world hide themselves behind the veneer of respectability. Well, I say, “No more!!”

I was going to start a movement to have every Octember named as Idiocy awareness month. We could have had a backwards parade and everything. Then some smart person informed me there’s no such month as Octember. Why did he have to squash my dreams like that? What an idiot!

Hang on a second! Did I just call a smart person an idiot? Let me think; smart person informed me… squash dreams… unicorn milking machine… roasting marshmallows over a dragon fire… Uh, I think I’ve gotten off track. My train of thought completely derailed spilling a cloud of toxic stupidity over three hundred acres. Thankfully there were no intelligent survivors, because so-called intelligent people are just kidding themselves.

We’re in this together

I have a neighbor across the way named Eugene. He has a very dour disposition and really doesn’t like my happiness very much. He scowls at me every time I say, “Good morning.” Actually, that’s why I try to do it every day. His scowl really brightens my day. Is that nice? No. But then again, I’m a card-carrying idiot. The card I carry is my driver’s permit, and a credit card, but this is beside the point.

You see his personal stupidity is not being able to let go and just be stupid. A wise man once said, “Everyone has their own personal version of stupidity. It’s just most folks don’t open up and enjoy it.” In case you’re wondering, that wise man was me. Hey, if I don’t quote myself, nobody will. Is that plagiarism? I don’t think so. I mean I did give myself full credit for my quote.

All this brings us back to my original Poirot quote. At least I think it does. Even if it doesn’t it’s time I should stop talking about it. But here’s the takeaway; We’re all unique, and we should be proud of it.

Now Let’s Get Out There and Do Something Really Stupid!!