No More!

Well, it’s official. I am never listening to the ‘so called’ experts ever again. There is only one expert whose advice I’ll always heed. That’s the guiding words of the great sage, Charles J. Daughtridge who once said, “What are you asking me for? Do whatever the hell you want. See if I care. But before you go, could you grab me a beer?”

Now those are some wise words. They grab the essence and attitude of a real twenty-first-century man. My Philosophy professor in college would have loved that quote. She loved quotes more than the subject she was supposed to teach. As we entered every class, she had a rather lengthy, overly obscure quote written on the blackboard. Once we got settled, we had a half hour discussion, breaking down the deeper meanings of this daily quote. Only then would we get to the scheduled lecture.

This was not fun. Imagine trying to discuss Nietzsche’s quote, “Out of chaos comes order.” for thirty minutes. It’s pretty straightforward. Also, the evidence of it is all around us. It’s made even more difficult when we had this unknown author’s quote the lesson before, “Creation is surrounded by chaos, and will end in chaos.” How are we supposed to weave those two thoughts together? Chaos evolves into order, and order evolves into chaos. Doesn’t seem any point to all this does there? Oh well. Ideas like this keep philosophy professors employed. They need jobs too.

Learning confusion

Actually, I’d like to see what Professor Armstrong would have done with Charlie’s quote. “Well,” she would say. She always started every deep sentence with a good; Well. “He’s probably referring to man’s free will. But, then by making a request, he seems to be taking away that freedom, showing that no matter the situation, freedom is fleeting and transitory.” Yep, that sounds like her.

Then again, she might have said something like, “Well,” (there’s that Well again.) “This quote is a load of crap from a disgruntled man. I would tell him to get his own damn beer, turn, walk away, and forget he said anything.” These analyses are so completely different, it boggles the mind. How can one quote be so different to the same teacher? It’s no wonder I got a ‘C’ in college philosophy. But as usual I seem to have gotten away from my original topic.

What I wanted to talk about, before I rudely interrupted myself… Boy, if I was a schizophrenic, I’d really slap my other personality right about now. But that’s not important. What is important is that… Wait a second? I did it to myself again. Boy, if I’m ever introduced to that other personality I’ll beat him up. Let’s try this again.

 What I wanted to talk about, before I rudely interrupted myself, twice, was that I’m never listening to experts ever again. I tried their silly advice and I’m not impressed. I blame my older son for this. You see I was feeling a little blue last month and he suggested I read a Self-Help book. I took his suggestion, but in a very dad kind of way. Because fathers always know more than sons, I accepted the book, thanked him graciously, and then thoroughly read the jacket cover. In fact, I read it twice, pondering every word like Professor Armstrong would have done. She would’ve been so proud.

Unhelpful Self

This guy’s basic premise was to search for the positivity that surrounds us. His suggestion is to take a walk and jot down all the good things that happen to you, as well as the bad. At the end of the walk, you should notice the good list is much longer. Then you should expand it to and afternoon, a day, a week, and then a lifetime.

This sounds great on paper. But I don’t see why he needed to write a whole book. I got his whole philosophy from the back cover, and half the prologue. Now I know why nobody will publish my books. You’d have to read the whole thing before you knew what they’re about. But I digress.

I decided to take his advice. And I was going to take it solidly. No walks, hours, or afternoons for this guy. I was going to do his thing for the whole day. I even bought a special notebook and pencil. The night before I went to bed looking forward to my day of positiveness. The next morning, I was ready. I got up, stretched, then tripped over the dog and face-planted on the carpet. Wonder Dog came over and licked my face. In just minutes, I was not only in pain, but covered in dog slime. It’s difficult to put a positive spin on that.

Writethat down

Then I remembered I hadn’t picked up my notebook yet. I could just leave this incident out. My great day would start when I was able to write it down. I got up, bandaged what was bleeding and went out to face my day. What I didn’t know was if the day ready to face me. Believe me it was.

When I got to the bottom of the stairs I stepped on the cat’s tail. Cap’n Blood does not appreciate this sort of thing. She let me know this in no uncertain terms. For the second time, I bandaged what was bleeding and went out to face the day. I did write this in my notebook. Yes, the scratches were a negative. But the fact I had a lot of bandages available went in the positive column.

My car started on the first try, so my score was two positives, and one negative. This may seem like a lame positive but my car is twenty years old. I take what I can get.

Oops I forgot

When I got to work, I noticed very few cars in the parking lot. Questioning this I walked to the door. It was locked. Then I remembered, the owner had given us this week off as a reward for finishing two projects early. Positive or negative? I really don’t know. The day off is nice, but the drive in traffic was horrible. Since they kind of cancelled each other out. I settled for an even score of two each.

I got home to my wife and she was very glad to see me. You see, she had to be in a meeting and was worried about my daughter getting to her doctor appointment. Could I rest and read like I’d planned? Nope another negative.

Daughter duty

This was when the excitement started. After my daughter’s appointment, she had to get to a store to get Tangerine Twist lip gloss. A negative but not a terrible one. Au contraire! It wasn’t at the first store we went to. Or the second or third for that matter. I ended up having to drive for an extra hour to a beauty supply shop. There I found out she didn’t have enough money, and I had to pay for it.

At this point, I threw the notebook away. Admittedly, the expert was right. My day was very one sided.

Just not the side he promised!!!