Pets are not friends

I wish my life was simpler. Wouldn’t it be great if only for one day, the cat didn’t use my left leg for a scratching post? Or perhaps, as the dad, I might actually be right just once? And why does Baby-Bun-Bun sit and watch me as if she’s contemplating taking over the whole hole house, and not just the rec room. I’m also wondering why Wonder Dog has to drag me outside for a pee emergency at the peak of every thunderstorm, or blizzard? She must be constantly checking the weather. But how?

Yes, I’ll admit all these issues are troubles from having pets in my house. If I got rid of the pets my life would be simpler. Perhaps. Then again, if I did, I’d go back to a time when my family would be whining for a pet every day. That was awful. I’d rather put up with the daily bleeding and bad weather than to hear that cantankerous moaning 24/7. So, I guess I got my wish. Sort of?

New member of the family

Thing is, my son just brought home a lizard. He says it’s a Schneider’s Skink. The moment he showed it to me I wondered if Schnider knew my son had it. If Schnieder ever realizes his skink is gone, he’s gonna be mad. Then again, I wouldn’t put it past my son to be renting that skink from Schinder. I hope the payments aren’t too much. I’m not taking them over while he’s looking for a job next year.

I’ll admit, unlike my other pets, the skink isn’t plotting my demise. But it brings a whole new set of problems. Have you ever tried to create a tropical climate in a twenty-gallon tank in the middle of winter? It’s not easy. When he gets cold his scales fall off. That’s really odd because when I get cold, I try to put on more layers. Who’s to say?

Culturely tense

Yes, the animals in my life make it a lot more complicated. I have got to find a way to slow down. The trouble is I’m an American. If I lived in Asia, I’d be in the world center for yoga and meditation. In Europe, I could seclude myself in some castle or another. South America is just chock-full of mind-altering plants that would certainly do the trick. Then there’s Africa and Australia which have spiders, snakes, and scorpions. One hit of those neurotoxins and you’ll really relax. You might die. But you’ll be awfully comfortable when you do.

Sadly, I live in America, standing proudly with its amber waves of egos. We’re the ones who created the saying, “I sleep when I’m dead.” True, but if it’s all the same to you, I’d rather catch a few Z’s before that. You know, just to try it out.

In this circumstance, I’m happy to have the internet. A scant hundred years ago no one over here knew yoga existed. Let alone how it could be made better by having goats hanging around. I wonder if anyone way back when tried dragon yoga? Yes, it could be dangerous. On the other hand, you’d never get cold in those skimpy clothes.

Just have a cup of tea

One thing, the internet has given me personally, is something called the Japanese Tea Ceramony. I explained it more thoroughly in my post, It’s Not the Goal, It’s The Journey, and the Journey Sucks. But here’s an overview:

My brother invited me over for a tea ceremony. We had to reflect and be thankful for every detail surrounding making a pot of tea. This took about two hours. Then we drank tea. The ceremony is very long, very detailed, and very boring. It is for this reason that today I bring you the Mr. Ohh! American Tea Ceremony.

First, and most importantly, you must purify the environment. This serves many purposes; It helps you focus on the task at hand. It adjusts your Chi, which is usually necessary because your brother-in-law borrowed your Chi-Wrench a while back and hasn’t returned it yet. It ensures the cat is out of the room so as to not be interrupted with your daily bloodletting. And lastly it helps you find that dusty old teapot, which nobody’s used in years.

Always remember

There are certain dos and don’ts which must be observed during the purification process. For instance, don’t burn sage to cleanse the area of negative energy. It really stinks up the place and sets off the smoke alarm. Throw away all those empty beer bottles. They only cause distraction, because halfway through the ceremony, you’re likely to start wishing they were full beer bottles. Lock the dog in the backyard. Having your feet suddenly becoming wet and warm will definitely break your focus. Finally, take care of those dirty dishes in the sink. Hide them in the garage for all I care. I mean you’re going to need that sink to wash out that grody teapot.

At this point in the Japanese ceremony, you’re supposed to stop for several minutes, and be thankful for the tea, the life-giving water, and your life in general. Isn’t that nice.

But really, don’t do any of that stuff. It takes way too long. You’re an American. You don’t have time for such things. What you should do is; Look up at the ceiling, give it a quick salute, say ‘Thanks’, and get on with life. It accomplishes the same thing but takes much less time.

Take time to focus

Now you must fill the kettle and boil the water. Take a brief moment to reflect on everything that goes into getting the water to your tap. At this point try not to be distracted by the fact that tap water could be full of bacteria and chemicals. Remember we used to drink from the hose outside. How bad could it be now?

As you place the kettle on the stove, contemplate the flame with its hypnotic movements dancing in the breeze. Of course, if you cook on an electric stove, you won’t see any   actual fire. Unless of course, you forgot to wash the kettle. If this happened, the flames are not to be contemplated, they’re to be extinguished as quickly as possible.

Next, you must try to imagine the four basic elements. No, I don’t mean Television, Whiskey, SUVs, and Cheeze Sandwiches. I’m thinking old school. You know, Earth, Air, Fire, and Water. Contemplate the need for all four when you make tea. The leaves come from the earth. You use fire to boil the water, and steam rises into the air when it’s ready. Very soothing. Ahhhh! Okay, you can stop now and go back to contemplating cars. It’s the contemplation that’s important. Not what’s being contemplated.

Pour the hot water into the teapot then pour the tea into the cup. This is a useless step. Why can’t you just pour the water in the cup and use a tea bag like everybody else? They never tell you that when describing the ceremony.

Anyway, at this point, in a very mystical fashion raise the cup to your lips and take a sip.

Then you scream because you burned your mouth!!!