An early question

Here’s what I wanna know: What crazy idiot got to decide what foods should be called breakfast? In these United States Breakfast is eggs and coffee. Don’t get me wrong I like eggs and coffee, just not every morning. Also yes, I know there are three different types of eggs: Store bought, farm raised, and duck. And while they do taste slightly different, they all mix up the same. Face it they’re eggs.

Next thrown into this US breakfast retinue, we add pancakes which is fried batter, crepes which is thinly fried batter, and waffles which is fried batter made in a waffle iron. Lately they’ve added tortillas for breakfast burritos. And would you like to know how to make tortillas? You fry dough, which is just a solid batter! Are you noticing any similarities? Because I sure am. In fact, I’ve made all four. And while there is some serious technique involved with the crepes, the batter you fry is pretty much the same. Wetness is the only difference.

Let’s Meat

Moving on we come to breakfast meats. The variety is less than stellar. There’s sausage which is ground pork, ham (that’s pork thigh by the way), or bacon which is pork belly. What genius determined that pigs were best eaten early in the morning? “Well sir, I just can’t start my day without a platter of unborn birds and pig.”

Now I know why they make the coffee so strong. You don’t realize that you’re eating the same stuff over and over, when you’re on a strong coffee buzz.

On the other hand, some folks like steak and eggs. This does add a new choice. Of course, it also triples the price of breakfast at most eateries. So actually, the choice becomes; Should I have some form of pork, or put a second mortgage on my house?

Daily jumble

Now you can blend these ingredients in hundreds of different ways, so I guess there are choices. But what if I chose a hamburger. I’ve been to hundreds of breakfast places and I can’t get one. It’s not like I’m trying to order dragon meat. They have burgers in the fridge waiting for the lunch crowd. But No! I can’t have one of those beauties because it’s breakfast time. Once I actually took matters into my own hands, I ordered steak and eggs, with toast. Then I told the server to nix the eggs. They brought it to me, I put the steak between the two pieces of toast, added ketchup, and viola breakfast burger. The whole staff frowned at me.

That’s another thing, who got to decide when breakfast is over, and lunch begins? At one time I started my job at five-in-the-morning. I was ready for lunch at nine, but I couldn’t get it. Breakfast didn’t end until ten-thirty, for some arbitrary reason. I had to eat breakfast food for lunch. It kinda wasn’t like lunch at all. It was a second breakfast. How do you tell friends and family you have two breakfasts every day? They invariably ask why I don’t just wait a little longer and have lunch. It’s embarrassing.

Then there’s those places which proudly advertise, “All Day Breakfast!” I guess that’s not bad? But if they can do that, why can’t they do all day lunch? It’s either one of life’s ponderable questions or they’re just lazy. I bet you can guess my opinion.

Juice it up

Another thing my ardent observers will notice is there’s no vegetable matter in what I’ve mentioned. This is because the only fruit you can have in the US for breakfast is orange juice. Some places will give you apple or grapefruit juice, upon request. But it’s not on the menu. You have to special order it. Which means you have to act, like you’re trying to buy a stolen watch from a shady guy in a dark alley. “Psst. Hey buddy. (pause) come over here.” He looks both ways cautiously, “You wanna buy a glass of juice?”

English breakfast

Why can’t we be like the countries of the old British empire and get some good old bubble-and-squeak? That’s cabbage, potatoes. and bacon. However, I do question their naming process. There is no soap or mice in the stuff, so it doesn’t bubble or squeak. Then again, it does have lots of cabbage. If you’re anything like my uncle Rob after eating cabbage, you’ll bubble and squeak for a good long time. And it won’t smell like breakfast either. Enough said about that.

Then there’s kedgeree. For those of you who don’t know that’s curry rice and fish. I can’t get a burger and those folks are eating curry. Where’s the justice? More importantly; Why is it breakfast? I like a good curry rice, but I’m usually not up for it first thing in the morning. They do, however, slice boiled eggs on top of it. So, by definition it must be breakfast. Right? I mean if it didn’t have the egg, it would be lunch, and unavailable till ten-thirty.

Snack time

Then there’s the British dish called a Scotch Egg. That’s a boiled egg, covered in sausage, wrapped in bread crumbs, and deep fried. Why isn’t that breakfast? It has all the ingredients, eggs, sausage and bread. That sounds like breakfast to me, but it’s not. It’s a snack. So, you can’t eat it before lunch is served. Food can be so confusing.

Now, I’ve been speaking only of the mainstream breakfast. As with everything else there are rebels and miscreants. On every college campus around the country there are bold collegiates eating cold pizza for breakfast. Now I’m not a hundred percent sure it those folks are trying to be trend setters. It might just be a hangover cure. But they’re doing it and that’s what’s important.

Being the idiot, I am, I purposely ask for alterations when ordering breakfast. I get strange looks but I laugh at their stoicism. My doctor told me once, “It’s not what you eat, it’s the fact you’re eating that’s important.” Therefore, I have no fear of ordering green beans with my eggs. Or perhaps I’ll ask for maple syrup for my English muffin. Which, by the way is neither English or a muffin. But this is beside the point. The point is, I scoff at their breakfast norms.

It’s all about me

As always, my wife thinks I’m nuts. She often asks me what I’m planning on ordering so she can be mentally prepared for the fall out. A few weeks ago, I ordered a chicken salad at eight am. I got some great looks. My wife ripped the menu from hands and told the server what I was really going to have. Now she orders for me every time as if I was some kind stupid man-child. Which is true, but is also entirely beside the point.

Another trend I hate is those who say, they’re ordering breakfast for dinner. What the hell? Just be bold and say you want eggs for dinner. It’s not like you have to know a secret handshake to do it. The real issue here is you can get breakfast for dinner. But you can’t get dinner for breakfast

And That’s Just Wrong!!