A strange truth

I went into my bank the other day. Now there’s an interesting announcement. It would probably be more believable if I said, “I only saw four dragons yesterday, instead of five” Be honest, how many of you actually go to the bank? You, the lady in the back, I know you’re lying. Sure, we all check our balances and statements on our phones. But if you’re like me, you rarely actually go.

In truth this whole banking thing has gotten kind of weird. I have accounts in banks I’ve never even heard of. In fact, I’m not completely sure they exist. Their whole bank could be in a data center somewhere, just spitting out bits and bytes, and transferring cash which doesn’t exist. All set up by some nineteen-year-old pimply-faced kid, who got sent to his room for some illegal data scam. Consequently, he set up his own bank, so now it’s legal. As gramps would say, “Those kids today”

Out of cash

This whole cashless society is weird. I preferred cash, because it came with cute young female tellers. Sure, there was Celia on the end. She’s been there, scowling at folks, since about fifty-years before the bank was there. Now that’s dedication. But we’re not going to talk about her. She’s probably in a grave somewhere, still judging us.

Here’s another thing about our cashless society; Let’s say you have about fifty bucks in your pocket, when a lurking criminal jumps out at you. Yes, you’ll get your money stolen, but at least that’s all you lost. Imagine a criminal today; You’re walking through a dark alley when a man jumps out at you, brandishing a gun, holding a card terminal, and asking, “Hey, how much cash would you normally be carrying?”

Try doing it online

You’d probably try to low-ball the guy, saying you normally carry about only five dollars. That’s when the negotiation begins. It’ll go back and forth until a mutual amount is agreed on. You’d swipe your card and both of you could get on your way. Welcome to the modern era.

I don’t know about you, but I see this as a problem. Thing is, banks don’t. It seems they don’t want me to have cash any more. They want us all to carry data. Every time I talk to anyone in banking, they tell me how much better online banking is. You can pay all your bills with a click of a button. You can just tap your card at a terminal. You can check balances anytime day or night. Your kids and parrots can order stuff without you even knowing about it. Isn’t that great

It’s true. I read an article a while back stating some woman left her phone sitting on a table. The parrot had heard “Hey Siri,” so many times it could say it, amongst other things. It actually ordered about a thousand dollars wort of useless stuff. Oops!

I can see some advertising geek using this an ad campaign. “Fred’s Bank. Never worry about criminals again. Your pets can rip you off just as easily, and without leaving the comfort of your own home.” But I digress.

Security risk

Way back when, we used to have something called security. My younger audience members will be asking, “What’s that Mr. Ohh!?” Well, it’s kind of hard to explain. If someone wanted to use a credit card, we verified the signature on the back, looked up the card in a book of stolen cards, took an imprint of the card, and searched for any signs of illegal unicorn smuggling.

I told all that to a kid once and he was shocked. “What? You actually touched someone else’s card? And you didn’t go use sanitizer? EWWWWW!” Boy, have times changed.

Anyway, while I was at the bank, the teller asked me if I wanted a new credit card. I said no. Next, she told me the interest rates on a home equity loan. Again, I declined. Lastly, she asked if I needed to refinance my dragon. I screamed and ran from the place. I guess online banking does have one advantage. You don’t have to suffer the interrogation.

Take credit for it

Credit is an amazing thing. First, you have institutions almost forcing it on you. Then you have experts online telling us how bad it is. There are counselors out there helping us, when we get into trouble with it. Then, there’s fifty-million letters in the mail using it to scam you. It’s no wonder we can’t control ourselves.

I myself got in trouble with it a long time ago. My problem was with something called Overdraft Protection. I would go to the ATM and take out money. It was so easy, I kept doing it.

At the end of the month, I’d find out I’d over-drafted my account by two thousand dollars. Oops! The bank was happy to cover my debts at twenty-six percent interest. Double Oops! Of course, I couldn’t pay it all so they happily let me go with an interest payment. Triple Oops! Suffice to say it got up to Octuple OOPS before it got better.

Frankly, credit has become very funny to me, because of the internet. I love going to websites of self-named credit gurus. The advice is always hilarious and the callers all stupid. They never give advice to folks like me who’ve only got a bit of excess trying to rein it in. No! All the calls they take go something like this:

Just a quick call

“Hi Dan, I have an eighty-thousand-dollar income and my wife is an out of work underwear model with about eight million in credit card debt. I am currently mortgaging my five-million-dollar home and an apartment in Paris. I’ve been trying to cut costs, but my wife refuses to let go of the yacht. What Can I do?”

Dan always says the same thing. “Gosh, that’s a hard one. You have to get rid of that credit card debt. Perhaps if you focus on the one with the highest interest and pay that down first. You’ll free up some funds for others. Next, perhaps your wife could find a way to add to household income”

What I would say is this; “Look idiot, tell your wife to get off her butt and get a job. McDonald’s Is always hiring! Stop being stupid and start living within your means.” But Dan would never say anything like that. He’d lose his job, and have to make minimum payments on his credit. He’d probably end up calling himself. Although he probably wouldn’t listen to his own advice. You know, just like everyone else.

Morally bankrupt

We also had something called bankruptcy. And not just the kind corporations use to reset their books. Folks would have to live completely without credit for seven years. My kids think this is some kind of old guy horror story, and don’t believe it.

Nowadays, car companies compete on how much credit they’ll give you. You can have no home, or job, and they’ll still finance you. Well, I can do that too. I’ll give anyone all the bits and bytes they want for only a hundred bucks a month.

Don’t Worry You Can Just Make Interest Payments!!