Starry Beginning

A long time ago, in a lifetime far, far away there was stomach problems. Actually, it wasn’t all that long ago, and frankly it was my lifetime. However, that Star Wars opening line is really cool, and I’ve never been opposed to stealing really cool opening lines. Admittedly it would’ve been better if accompanied with powerful classical music, but I’m cheap and didn’t want to pay Spotify for the rights. So, there you are.

So, to rephrase; A couple of years back, in one of my many, many previous jobs, I suffered gastric issues. See it just doesn’t have the same bite. Not to put myself down, I’ve come up with a lot of good lines, a lot of bad lines, and some really stupid ones in various circumstances. However, in this case George beat me to the punch. But enough about opening line thievery, I really should get to the point.

Ahem! A long time ago, in a lifetime far, far away there was stomach problems. The issue was primarily caused because I ate fast food one to two times every day. My cholesterol and sodium levels went through the roof. But what could I do? My job was to travel around all day repairing copiers. I was on a tight schedule to get to the next emergency and never had time for a proper break. Consequently, it was fast food garbage or nothing.

Dietary challanges

Some of you might be saying; eating nothing at all, would’ve been better. And you’d probably be right. But I like to eat. A soda in one hand, and a greasy burger in the other is the only way to drive between morning clients. Later in the day this turned to Imodium in one hand and Tums in the other. Ohh, how my stomach hated me. And it let me know in no uncertain terms. Folks have asked; “How can you live like that?” The answer is simple; I was young and stupid. As opposed to now when I’ve matured and become old and stupid. Some things never change.

Another part of this terrible lifestyle is coffee. Now, I have nothing against coffee. I enjoy a cup or two almost every morning. But that’s it. When I was service, it was three to four cups in the morning, three more when I met another service guy to swap parts, and two more with my manager, when I got back to the office, to discuss all the day’s issues which I already told him about.

It was kind of like a military debriefing. We sat down in a small, poorly lit room. I’d tell him about all the calls I’d completed, and he’d stare at me with disbelief. Then he’d ask questions, just to make sure a certain job actually used parts, and it wasn’t just an excuse to gawk at Julie Boseman. To this day techs are probably still sabotaging her machine.

Hubba Hubba

A quick note about Julie. All six techs in my office fought to respond to Millcroft industries, in the hopes of glancing at Julie. When she called in with a problem, even the dispatcher melted at the sound of her voice. To say she was pretty was like saying an oak tree is tall. I actually went to lunch with her once. Sadly, she told me all about her husband and two daughters. Once this happened, I was shunned by the entire male staff, because I’d ruined everyone’s fantasy. Sorry guys.

Anyway, after the debriefing, the guys got together for a cup of coffee. That’s nine to twelve cups a day. That’s just too much. Then, after work we often met at a local joint for hot wings and beer. It’s no wonder my intestines rebelled. Frankly, I’m amazed my stomach and liver didn’t pack their suitcases, and walk out through my colon, give me a tearful good bye, and jump into an Uber headed for Tijuana. You know you’re in trouble when your guts think drinking the water in Mexico, is better than what you’re doing to them now.

Feel the power

I did learn a few things from my former life. For instance, you can always get the best service, and freshest food simply by walking into a restaurant with a clipboard. I walked into one place, and the lady took one look at me and went back and threw out all the coffee and open condiments. I also heard her telling the kitchen staff to toss any open bread and soup containers. A clipboard gives you all kinds of power you never knew you had. And you always get fresh coffee. You should try it. I don’t know if a clipboard will still work, but the face of the manager will be priceless.

Actually, going into a restaurant and sitting down, was a luxury. I ate most of my meals while driving at sixty-plus miles-per-hour. That’s over a hundred for my non-American friends. I’m surprised I’m still alive with the number of times I was looking for a dropped onion ring instead of paying attention to traffic. I was never a great driver in the first place, adding dangerous habits just wasn’t a smart thing to do. However, I’m told that God watches over babes and fools. So, I’m thinking I got some help from above.

On the other hand

Customers are certified idiots as well. I admit I use copiers in my current job. When it goes down, and it does three times a month, I quietly grumble, and I’m a self-proclaimed idiot. You should expect impatience from me. But, I can handle waiting for the copier tech. I can’t tell you the number of folks who freak out completely without a copier. I’m almost sure cavemen never had copiers, and they survived an ice age. Look idiots, you can wait fifteen minutes for the tech to show up.

I went to one place and an older lady would regularly yell at me for fifteen minutes before she let me into the copier room. She’d yell about quality, and reliability. Usually, the issue was a paper jam. I could’ve been in and out of that place in ten minutes if she’d just let me get to work instead of the giving me the lecture. Especially because it was usually her fault by not setting the thing to allow for insane operators.

Bill me later

Probably the worst part was responding to calls when the machine got unplugged. Most places had service plans, but showing up and plugging in the thing was not covered. Imagine having to tell someone you were billing them three-hundred-bucks because you had to plug in their machine. If you think the lady yelled when I walked in, you ain’t heard nothing. I just smiled and billed them. Never tick off the service tech!

Not everyone was a complete idiot though. I remember several days when I sat in the office making phone calls. Each call consisted of asking a few common-sense questions like, Is the machine turned on? Is there paper in it? Or did someone let the guinea-pigs urinate on the glass again?

Don’t Ask !! It happened twice!!