Bringing Truth

Esteemed Chicago retailer, Marshal Fields, is credited with this quote, “The customer is always right!” I’ve spent my whole life in one form of customer service or another, and I can truly say Marshal Fields was full of crap! After many years, I think a better quote is, “The customer is an ass, just like everyone else” So, who’s right, and who’s wrong? As to that I offer this evidence; Marshal Fields is dead, and I’m not. Just who’s obviously more successful now? Enough said.

I once worked for a store that sold electronics parts. A forceful idiot walked in once and said, “I want an adapter!” Remembering the term adapter can be anything which converts one thing to another, I asked why he needed it. I’m not kidding, he got mad, called me an idiot, and demanded I get him an adapter, immediately. I tried to get information about its use, but he got angrier. He even started swearing at me.

Eventually, I walked to the back of the store, and picked up the most useless adapter we had. Hey, it had the word, Adapter, clearly written on the package. I happily sold it to him, fully knowing this wasn’t what he needed. At which time he asked, “If it ain’t right, can I return it?” I answered “No” I can be an ass too, you know. Hey Marshal, that customer wasn’t right or wrong. He was stupid.

Think before you act

I could tell you hundreds of stories from the customer service trenches. In fact, I probably will. But for now, I’d just like to say: Working with customers is like spotting a beautiful, full-figured young girl while on a walk with your wife. If you don’t handle it correctly, you’re gonna be in trouble.

I prefer a preemptive strike with both customers, and the pretty girl thing. Last week my wife and I were shopping when I spotted a young girl with a figure destined to give her back trouble. To say she was top-heavy, was the same as saying an aircraft carrier is big. I felt sorry for the second and third buttons on her blouse. They were hanging on for dear life with everything they had, and were still losing the battle. If one of those guys broke loose, she’d probably shoot down an airplane. Are you getting the picture? If not, just read on anyway. There’s bound to be something later on that you’ll understand.

Anyway, I knew I was going to be in trouble for noticing her. So, I took preemptive action. I pointed the girl out to my wife asking, “Do you like her hairstyle? I think it would look good on you.”  My wife stopped and we discussed the girl’s hair. Not only did I avert tragedy, I got to stare at the pretty young girl for longer. It’s a win, win!

For the boys

Here’s another of my favorites. Ladies could you cover your eyes for a few seconds. This is just for the guys. Are your eyes covered? Great. Okay, so It’s summertime and various girls in my complex, like to wear bikinis and sun themselves. I often see them while I’m out walking Wonder Dog. Sometimes my wife accompanies me. If this happens to you, point the girl out to your wife, get all indignant, and say, “I don’t know why those young ladies have to sun themselves right in the middle of the yard. They should go down by the pool where that sort of thing is socially acceptable!”

Let me know how this works for you. It doesn’t work on my wife anymore. I’ve used it once too often. Actually. it never did. On second thought, don’t try it. You might get in more trouble, for trying. Then you’d be mad at me, and I don’t think I could take that. I’m very sensitive. But we were talking about customer service. Weren’t we? Boy, have I gotten off topic!

Ohh! By the way, the ladies can start reading again. I certainly hope none of you were cheating.

I’m not saying

Now, I would never say, “Huge corporations are wonderful entities, full of easy-going executives who treat everyone with love and respect.” Hang on a second? I just said it. But this was only to deny I’d ever say it. I didn’t mean it. Then again, if you put a gun to my head, and threatened to assassinate me, or offered me a bazillion dollars to say the phrase. Hell, yes, I’d say it. But I still wouldn’t agree with it.

What I’m trying to say is, sure there could possibly be reasons I’d say something stupid like this, but not in everyday conversation. On the other hand, how often would something like this come up in everyday conversation? You have to consider that. Then again, don’t. Let’s forget the whole thing. I already have. What was I saying?

Corporate culture shock

Oh yea, corporations are full of unfeeling idiots. Agreed! But where do you think customers come from? All the customers work in those offices full of those unfeeling idiots. And we all know, nasty, stupid customers drive corporate workers nuts. Who in turn, become even more hardhearted.

It’s like the old saying, (which I just made up, but is extremely clever if you ask me) “Which came first, the unicorn or the dragon? It doesn’t matter! They were both here all the time.”

Like I said, I’ve been involved in customer service for the past forty-five years. I know a thing or two. Especially about idiots. They’re all over the place. Why are we so afraid of them? I’ve dealt with thousands of folks, some good, some bad. But not one of them was perfect.

Worse is better

Now it occurs to me, many of you probably believe companies are much ruder to you, than you are to them. And it’s true. But, take it from someone who’s been on the trenches, I love stupid arrogant customers. Especially when I was in small retail spaces. I would be all by myself for hours before some nice old lady would come in, ask for a battery, pay for it, and leave. Then I’d be alone again. Where’s the excitement?

Is someone screamed at me for ten minutes, then left saying I didn’t know my butt from a hole in the ground. Sure, I’d be angry. But then I’d call and bitch to the district manager, order food I wasn’t supposed to have, tell all my friends about it at the bar that night, and go home to summon the great dragon Skahg to smite them. This takes hours away from the boredom.

Also, it gives great fodder for my storytelling. Face it none of you were interested in the lady and the battery. But many of you would really like to know why that guy yelled at me. See! Bad customers mean superior stories.

This is why I try to be extremely obnoxious, and inconvenient whenever possible. Promoting chaos is always a plus. I consider bothering salespeople as my service project to help out the retail industry. Like working at an animal shelter is good for orphaned dogs, The industry doesn’t always agree with me, but hey…

The Customer Is Always Right!!