I guess that’s ok

I understand lots of folks love shopping online, and That’s fine. There’s lots of crazy folks in this world. You know ‘You Be You’ and all that crap.

However, for me online shopping is akin to showing up at the mouth of a cave with a case of spicy-brown mustard, smacking the large sleeping dragon with a broad sword, then asking the angry hulking beast what he wants for lunch. Sure, it could all work out fine. But much more likely, something bad is going to happen.

You see, there used to be a shop around the corner, which sold electronic supplies. If I needed and adapter or odd part, I walked over and bought it. Nowadays, we’re all trapped in the web.

Parts is Wrong parts

A while back I ordered a part with overnight shipping. They sent the wrong part. I tried to get a refund but couldn’t get one until I sent the old part back. But I sure had no problem ordering the part again. So now I have to pay for the part twice, with added shipping, because their computer made a mistake.

I tried to talk to someone about this. It took me an hour just to speak to an actual person. When I did, I was cheerfully informed, their computer doesn’t make mistakes. Using their part numbers, and talking my head off for an additional half hour, I convinced him I was right. He about had a stroke. His training clearly stated, “The company never makes mistakes.” He transferred me to someone else, and I firmly believe walked out of his cubicle, straight into the mountains of Nepal to become a monk taking a vow of company politics.

The lady I got next wasn’t much better. It was like trying to tell a six-year-old girl, there’s no such thing as unicorns. She listened intently, but didn’t believe a word I said. She offered me an immediate refund, which took a week to hit my card. Why is it they can remove money immediately, but a refund takes a week? It’s just another mystery like string theory. Science just doesn’t have all the answers.

Young vs Old

Again, I understand many of you don’t have the issues I have with shopping online. My neighbors, Trey and Coco, buy everything including food on the web without a single problem. It’s because of this, I believe there’s a conspiracy against the great and wonderful Mr. Ohh!.

You see, they have modern names. I mean, you would’ve never found a name like Coco in the 1940’s. Well, except for Coco Chanel. Not only would have found her name; it would have been plastered all over everything. She was quite famous. Hmm. This isn’t proving my point at all. Let’s rewind a bit and start again.

You see they have modern names. I mean you would’ve never found a name like Trey in the 1940’s. (and if you know of one, keep it to yourself. I’m trying to do a post here!!) I believe when a computer sees a name like this, it automatically considers the person a part of the computer generation. Therefore, it doesn’t mess with them, because they’re probably smart enough to turn its electronic butt off.

Contrary-wise, when your first name is Mr. computers consider you a stuffy old fogey. So, they happily mess with you. Their AI is having fun at my expense, and I can’t stop it. The real issue is computers are all interconnected. In one online transaction, you might actually be interacting with four or five computers. Each one taking their jab in turn.

Unsubscribe while you still can

Recently, my anti-virus subscription expired. Renewing it is something you can only do online, and boy did they have fun with me! The first system told me renewing cost three-hundred-dollars. I was outraged and pressed the button to cancel. They sent me an email saying sorry, it’s really only one-fifty. How many Mr. and Mrs. Ohh!s out there just grumbled and paid the three-hundred? I tell you it’s a plot against unwitting seniors by fast preforming electronics. Luckily, I’m here to keep you all informed. No applause please. Just throw money. But I digress.

Anyway, with my name and making it through the first hurdle, the processors got mad. They allowed me to make the purchase at the discounted rate. But unbeknownst to me they were laughing behind their resistors. I pressed the final button to make the purchase, and it sent me to the screen for me entering my information. I put in my name, email, and phone. Next it went to a spot where it could look up my address. I put in the numbers and the first three letters of my street and a drop-down popped-up giving me a list of possible addresses. I selected mine, and clicked the button to move on. It wouldn’t let me.

It told me I didn’t fill out all the information. But I Did!! When I looked back, I saw that when I searched my address, the computer erased my name and phone. I know this because I tried it three times and the name was erased every time.

Let’s address the problem

Anyway, I re-entered the info and clicked. It told me my address was in error. Look, folks, I’ve lived here over twenty years. I know my address! Then I saw it. It had put the street name first and the number last. I had to retype the address too.

When I got this all settled, I pressed the button and entered my payment information. It was declined. I figured I entered something wrong so I re-entered it. BZZZZT Wrong answer! Thank you for playing. My banks computer, decided it didn’t recognize the website, thought my card was compromised, and cancelled it. When I called the bank, the person was amazed that this happened. She happily agreed to allow purchases on this website, and replace the card.

You might think after the electronic overlords made me wait five days for my new card, they’d agree to my purchase. You’d be wrong. When the card arrived, I activated it, because no computer can be to be left out. Then I went back to the security website and tried again. I was ready for all the aforementioned pitfalls, and was unduly optimistic. Sadly, my hopes were too be dashed on the rocks of despair. (do you like that one?)

Keep hoping!

This time after entering my information the computer denied my request for purchase. The reCAPTICHA said I did not pass. Apparently, since I passed through all the traps unscathed, it thinks I’m a robot. After several tries, I gave up, thinking the error was on their end. Actually, I flipped them the bird. It didn’t help, but it made me feel better.

With newfound hope, I tried again the next day. I felt the systems would have had their fun and finally let me make a purchase. It let me enter my info, and didn’t’ think I was a robot. It even let me enter my card information. I pressed the button to pay and it came back with this message; “System down. We are unable to process your request at this time…

Sorry for the inconvenience!!!