Questions to ponder

Everyday millions of kids say to their parents, “Mommy, I have to go potty!!” This statement is true beyond a doubt. And adults should always listen when a child says this. However, as true as this statement is, it has nothing to do with what I wanted to talk about today. It’s just that I was thinking about the many things my kids said to me when they were young, and this rated in the top five. So, I guess it was worth mentioning, but I should probably move on.

The saying I was thinking about, besides the potty one, was, “Mommy, when I grow up, I want to be in show business!” Discourage this at all costs. I was never discouraged as a child and look what happened to me. I am getting up in years and have come to the conclusion I’ll never be found in some sleazy motel, in a compromising position with my young, large breasted, female costar.

Shattered dreams

It’s really disappointing when your dreams get shattered like that. I mean this was on my bucket list and everything. Along with; Making five million dollars for one movie, being cast as Captain Kirk in the latest Star Trek reboot, and riding a digitally enhanced dragon into J.K. Rowling’s universe and burning Hogwarts into oblivion. The books and movies have ended, but the references go on forever. It’s got to stop!

Thing is, I’ve done some very strange things in the name of entertainment. I worked for several years as the mascot of a local mall. You know what I mean, a full body suit made of heavy fur, with a head shaped like a dog, which covers yours so completely you can’t see crap. If you know anything about those costumes, you’ll know they’re hot inside. Not just hot; hot like you’re munching ghost peppers, in a sauna, which is on fire, while under attack from alien lasers, and falling down a bottomless hole headed for the magma center of the earth, hot. Well, maybe not that hot, but still really hot.

I’m so hot

I read an article about the first Godzilla movie. It was 1954 and they couldn’t digitally create the costume. Mostly because it was… Well, 1954. Either way, they did the next best thing. They made the suit out of thick heavy rubber. Apparently, it was so hot in that thing, the first guy who wore it ended up in the hospital after only twenty minutes inside. After that, the studio only let actors be in the thing for ten minutes at a stretch. For my friends on the Metric system that’s a whopping ten minutes. Even with those precautions the guy could only be inside three times a day. Also, every time he took it off, the assistants could pour two cups of sweat out of each boot. Now that’s a serious weight-loss plan.

Admittedly, I was never inside anything like the first Godzilla, but I did my share. I remember being in the suit one time and it was ninety-plus degrees outside. The mall was doing a special health week and there were Zumba instructors in the courtyard for anybody who wanted to join in. Some idiot thought it would be a great idea to take pictures and video of Charlie the Mall Dog dancing along, for promotional purposes . I could’ve said, “No.” But I follow the Tao of the Idiot. So, I danced. And I sweat. And I almost made it back to the break room before I collapsed. It all worked out okay, but surely, I’ll never do it again.

I can’t see

Another problem with those costumes is the kids you can’t see. They come in three types; The cool ones, the screamers, and the brats. The cool ones want to smother you to death with hugs, but you usually get away from them before suffering any permanent damage. “Usually”

The screamers just yell at the top of their lungs the moment they see you. The solution to them is easy; Go Away Fast! The faster the better. You may not be able to see in those things, but you can hear. My ears will probably never recover.

You never know what the brats are going to do. But you know you won’t like it. I remember one time a little fat girl decided to use me as a ride. Of course, mom was nowhere to be found. At first, she was just annoying, but after a while she was openly trying to trip me so as to climb on my back. Since I couldn’t see very well, I was having trouble keeping her in sight, and somehow, she knew that. She came up on my blind side grabbed my right arm, and lifted her feet off the floor, like I was some kind of Tarzan vine swing. The pain was tremendous. I swung my arm to get her off, but she held on.

Finally, I managed a full swing, she let go and slid across the floor like some badly shaped Curling stone. Sadly, she weighed more than the regulation forty-two pounds, and nobody showed up with brooms, so I don’t think I scored very high. Frankly, a medal or trophy would’ve been a nice consolation prize when I later found out the fat little beast tore my bicep and tricep tendons. I had to have my shoulder rebuilt.

Something Completely Different

Funny, but even considering the surgery, and painful recovery, this isn’t the strangest thing to happen to me in my life of entertaining. When I was doing stand-up comedy, I was approached by a premier comedy troupe. They told me they saw my act and wanted me to join. I did. Easy Peasy!  Not so much.

After a few months, I was called in by the director and told one of my bits was too long. He insisted I could do it faster because he’d seen me do it that way. I asked when. He said, “In rehearsal.” I laughed at him saying, “Everything’s quicker in rehearsal. You’re not waiting for folks to laugh.” He told me to stop pausing for laughter because it was making the show too long. I kid you not.

I asked if we were still doing comedy. Because if we were, isn’t laughter kind of the point? He responded, “Of course, it is. But timing is important because audiences get tired.” I quipped, “They don’t if they’re laughing.” Laughter keeps everyone awake, sometimes it even wakes up the neighbors. I told him I’d try, and left.

After the very next show, I was called to the office again. I was told they no longer had need of my services. And get this, I didn’t mix well with the others. I was on a separate level. You heard it right, I was being fired from a comedy troupe, because I caused people to laugh, and the other members weren’t as entertaining as I was. Remember I did say Comedy Troupe. I didn’t say soap opera. I hope you got that on the first run, because I had to do a double take. Especially when he informed me as I was leaving…

Serious Comedy Isn’t Supposed to be Funny!!!!