I have a serious question. Well, not earth shattering, but it feels kind of important to me. I hesitate to ask it, because it might be the eternal stupid question everyone is looking for. Don’t doubt its existence, and don’t try to sweep it under the rug with patient denial. You know you’re doing it. I hear about it all the time. Folks come up and say,” I have a stupid question,” invariably the answer is going to be the stoic, “There are no stupid questions.” Actually though, there are. There are also ignorant questions, and don’t overlook the difference between them. Ignorance is the lack of knowledge and thus can be cured with education. Stupid is a God given right protected in the constitution. There are some out there who would love to take away our right of be stupid. Subversives like them, seek to punish us for stupid things we did forty years ago. These people are called politicians.
It’s a funny thing about politicians. They run in herds of great purpose. What is this purpose you may ask? The only thing I can come up with is: They seek to expose the stupid in others, all while building walls to protect their own stupid.
I am reminded of former president Clinton. It’s not important if you liked him or not, or even if you were alive then, but he is a great example of my point. As he was running for president, someone found he had smoked marijuana some twenty years before. The opposing herd of politicians jumped forth screaming he was unfit to lead because he had done something stupid. Now I don’t claim to know everything about Weed, but I can say with great assurity that its effects do not last twenty years. Either way Clinton’s herd circled the wagons, put up fences, and defended their ground. The fight got so bad at one point, they all stopped breathing. At least it’s what I heard in the news. Strange tales about no one inhaling or something like that. But this is old news.
I guess I should get back to my point, or at least my question. My question is: Why am I never allowed to be right about anything? I know some of you are giggling saying I’m just being an idiot. “Everyone is correct some of the time,” you say in chastisement. Well you’re wrong. It has been dictated by divine providence that I shall never be right.
It all started when I first had children. My children drooled and spit-up a lot, so I put diapers on their heads. Try it sometime, it really works great. The thing is, everyone I knew, including my very own mother, smiled sweetly at me, and right then and there, told me I was wrong. Sure, I never did that again, but I had a lot of other great ideas. One that I thought was great, was filling a dog-dish with baby food. Think about it a sec. A crawling baby has its head right next to the floor. Right? Also, babies are sloppy. Messes are smaller and easier to clean, when they don’t drop from a high-chair to the floor. A lot of new dads are right now nodding and whispering, “Yeah, Makes sense.” Don’t do it guys. A lot of folks have told me just how wrong this behavior is. You can try it if you want, but you’re going to get in trouble. I guarantee it.
As my children grew, they also recognized that I could never be right in everything. Even after stating this, I’m proud to say, I have highly intelligent genes. Or my wife does, but if she wants to take credit, let her write her own stuff. This is my post, so I get the credit. Anyway, the thing is, my children are so intelligent that I merely have to open my mouth and they know I’m wrong. Their rolling eyes are a dead giveaway. After I say whatever it is, I want to say, they pat me on the head, and regale all the various reasons I am wrong, with a private education like this, going on 24/7, you’d think I’d most likely would have learned something. Alas, even this statement is wrong.
I think this is why I set up an account on Facebook. No, I’m not naive enough to think Facebook will make me actually be right some of the time. Oh No! Facebook is a place where everyone is wrong all the time. It’s like a fraternity for the perpetually deranged. It’s great. I once posted the sky was blue. Within half an hour, others mocked me by posting photos of sunsets showing me the sky was many colors. But even they were wrong. Later a bigshot from some museum someplace explained to us all the sky is actually black, and what we think are colors are just impurities diffusing the blackness. In the end he was proven wrong too.
That’s another thing. The rock-solid sources on platforms like this are amazing. They start with, “I read it someplace,” to, “Bob’s brother-in-law knows this stuff,” all the way to, “My iguana told me, man” I mean, who can argue with an iguana? They know things. Plus, you never see an iguana with a Facebook account. Ipso Facto, they must be right and not wrong. Logic once again wins the day.
Having said all of this, I must now tell you that I am tired of being in the wrong side of everything, so I’ve decided to change my status in the universe by announcing my candidacy. Why, you ask? Simple mathematics. Though candidates are not always right, they are always right for some people. Even if only a hundred folks rally behind me, I will at least be right a little bit. Also, if I take my candidacy national, I will be even more right. I of course mean the opposite of wrong, not the specific side of any aisle.
What office am I running for? Well I’ll leave that open for right now. I’ll take whatever votes I can get. I mean look at the Democratic line-up for president. There used to be twenty of them. Now it’s dropping. They limited themselves to one election and most came up short. So, vote for me in whatever local, state, or national election you want. Heck, I’ll even go international. If I am your choice for Prime Minister of Great Britain, I’m good with that.
And don’t worry about me. I promise to serve at any elected post with the same intelligence of all the other politicians in the world. I’m sure I can handle all the three-day work weeks and month-long vacations they do. Even acting this way, they all have millions of people who think they’re never wrong.
I’ll do it!
Hey everybody needs a goal.