Oh, how I love this joyful time of the year. There are colors everywhere. There are lights on the houses, and hundreds of inflatable giant things all over people’s lawns. Although, I’m not sure what inflatable Minions and Mickey Mice with Santa hats have to do with promoting Christmas cheer. I mean when I walk around wearing a Santa hat, Folks look at me like I’m some kind of geek. I’m sure Minions are more popular than me, but isn’t looking geeky a universal thing. I guess maybe it takes a special character to pull that off. Then again everybody calls me a character, and I’m getting funny looks. These are the Holiday things that mess with my head.

Speaking of colors, every day I open the mailbox and its full colorful advertisements. Yes, I understand those ads want me to buy stuff, but somebody really took a lot of time to design them. They have pictures of trees and holly, Santa’s and Reindeer. They’re so festive, I use them to decorate the house. It’s easy. You get a bunch of those little Santa’s and paste them around a window. My wife says I’m cheap, but I prefer the term thrifty. Doesn’t that sound better? Besides once you’ve cut up all those ads you can give all the kids exactly what they want for Christmas.

For instance, my daughter’s last year’s gift. She looked into a jewelry catalogue and showed me a picture of an emerald and diamond bracelet. “That’s what I want!” She exclaimed. Well, I took great pains to get it and fix it up, until it was a gift to remember. On Christmas morning, boy was she ever surprised. Now I don’t want brag, but I had that picture laminated and even put it in a little frame. She hasn’t pointed out what catalogue picture she wants this year, but I’m sure I’ll find out. Come to think of it, she strongly suggested that her mother shop for her this year. I suppose once you’ve given the perfect gift You can never top it.

Oh, and you can’t forget about the envelopes that arrive everyday as well. They’re beautiful. Reds, Greens, Golds, Blues, Pinks and a rainbow of other colored envelopes are stuffed in my mailbox by the hundreds every day. I can’t wait what’s there tomorrow. The funny thing is all my friends have started sending me clever little E-Cards over the computer. It makes one pause to wonder just what all these colorful greetings are. They are solicitations for cash.

The thing is that they are the oddest solicitations in the world. Take the one from the car dealership for instance. They want to give me eight thousand dollars for my wife’s car IF I buy a new car. There are two problems with this. First my wife’s car is sixteen years old, and second, I don’t want a new car. I called them up and asked them about this. They tried like the dickens to get me to come in. Not Charles Dickens, by the way, but it’s true I didn’t have Marley’s ghost of a chance of getting that eight-grand. You see to buy a new car I would have had to pay some twenty thousand bucks. When I told them, I saw a five-year-old car for seven-grand at their place, and that I would swap straight up. Suddenly my car was only worth one thousand, and possibly less once they saw it. Then hypothetically I said I would sell them my wife’s rare auto for six-grand and they could pocket the profits. Sadly, for them to buy my car out right it was only worth a measly five-hundred. Amazing how things change when I’m not paying them a monthly fee for the next five years. I politely told them, “No Thanks,” hung up the phone, and tore up their colorful card.

A few more were for software packages I’ve been using over the past six months. These were trying to sell me required updates. That would, and I quote, “Make the software run hundreds of times better.” I actually did this once. I paid seventy bucks for a great app. The screen was shades of gray. Six months later I paid a hundred bucks for the upgrade. It works exactly the same but the screen is blue and green. Frankly, I’m not thinking this is a hundred times better, but what do I know. I’m not a software engineer.

Surprisingly, a lot of them didn’t want me to pay for things I already had. They just wanted me to give money. Don’t get me wrong. Donating is a very good thing. It’s just that there’s just too many charities. There’s an assistance group for every part of the body. The Spleen for instance. What the heck is it? All I know is, on every doctor show when there’s a bloody accident, the young doctor says, “We had to remove his spleen!” The whole family inhales a collective OH MY, and they go to commercial. So, am I donating to, good health or better ratings? I’m so confused.

Did you know there is a Bicuspid Society? Apparently, bicuspids suffer an inordinate amount of decay. I don’t know how much, but the society does and you need to give now.

One of the most colorful envelopes was to Save The Wombats. I’m not giving to them. I don’t know who the Wombats are, but if they have the time and money to send out all these flyers, they probably have more cash than I do. Then I found out wombats are Australian rodents. I’m not getting involved. Almost everything in Australia has big teeth or deadly venom and wants to kill you. I probably get the most cards from folks who want to save the rainforest. I’m not so sure about that. Why do I want to save a place that rains every day, has spiders as big as my head, and jaguars ready to pounce on my head? Like Australia the place wants to kill me. And I should save it?

Of course, it’s my own fault I get all these letters begging for cash. About ten years ago, when I was young and foolish, I donated to the Save Lot’s Of Trees Fund, out of West Slumpton, New Jersey, and I think they sold my information to a few other places. Which resold it, and resold it ad infinitum. So now, every Christmas, I get more cards than everybody put together. The fact that they all want money is differed by the free gifts I get. I am the owner of four million address labels, a hundred desk calendars, and some pretty nifty paper coasters with pictures of almost extinct animals on them. You can’t buy this stuff. Then again who would want to.

Then I found out from a friend that the reason I get all these letters is that folks really donate to this stuff. I guess if I can’t beat em’…

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