I have a confession to make. It pains me to admit it, but as all the doctors say. “Admitting the problem is the first step to healing” And we must listen to doctors. They study for twelve years and do things like research and clinical studies, just so people listen to them. I don’t even know what those things are, so doctors must be super smart. It just makes sense to hear them out, but I digress.
The real problem is that I have to admit my sins to the world and my wife is part of all that. I have been untrue and frankly didn’t even know it. Being unfaithful is one thing, but when a good friend has to tell you about it, that’s a real confidence shaker. You see I was at my writing group the other day and the leader smiled at me and said, “Mr. Ohh! you are really in love with words.” I had to admit it’s the truth but at least I hadn’t slept with any words yet, so I guess I can still ask my wife for forgiveness.
In my defense, how could I not be swayed by the allure of words. There is a magic every time you say Logocóphosis. Now isn’t that an amazing word. Let’s say it together Lo-Go-Co-Pho-Sis. It’s even fun to say! It means; The inability to understand whats being told to you. I get it all the time when my three teenagers are talking. It’s great to know I have a condition and I’m not just old. Of course, they may be speaking another language, but it works out either way. The real question is do my fans go logocóphotic on me when reading my posts? I sure hope not. Woo Hoo! I even used it in a sentence.
Here’s another good one; Floccinaucinihilipification. Again, say it with me flocksi-nawsi-nye-hilip-ficattion. This is the act of thinking something is not important. Or what you’re feeling as you erase spam or throw junk mail away. I can see where these words might not come up in everyday conversation, but it sure is fun when they do.
When I first met my wife, my heart fluttered and I went all warm and fuzzy. It was as if suddenly the world aligned and a great truth was revealed to me. I was told this was either love or a side effect of allergy medication. It had been hours since the meds, so I realized it must be love. I felt the same way when I heard Einstein say, “There are only two limitless things, The universe and stupidity, and I’m not a hundred percent sure about the universe.” Now those are some great words. Not as big as the first two but when put together in that way, Oh My!
I guess I’m telling the world, “Yes I am in love with words and I don’t care who knows it.” I would send words a love letter, but I would have to use words to express my emotions to words, and that could get wordy. Also, there may not be enough words to tell words of my adoration, which is another great word, causing an even stronger devotion. At this point I would be piling great words on top of each other into a virtual sexual wordgasm, which isn’t a word. I would be committing the crime of making up words to express my grandlyest worshipness of existing words. This would make the words meaningless and therefore nullify my devoutness. Wow that was wordful!
That’s another thing, wordgasm and worshipness are not words in the official sense. However, you understood them in context. If you didn’t just go with me on this. Anyway, if they aren’t words, but they were understood, do they become words? Have I created bastard children and am I now legally responsible for their education and upbringing? I don’t have that kind of ready cash to do that. Is there a foster program for these words?
The thing is I do love words. I also know one thing that has puzzled man for ages. Since I’m in love with words, the dictionary could be called the book of love. Right? In 1958 the Monotones asked the musical question; Who Wrote the Book of Love? Well now we know it was Noah Webster. If we need to get more details, Webster had help printing the book from George and Charles Merriam, and now you know.
The issue is, if this is the book of love, there isn’t very much love in it. With over three-hundred-thousand entries in an unabridged dictionary, only about ninety-six are words of love. That’s only thirty-two-hundredths of a percent! That’s less love than I got from some of the girls I asked out in high school, who refused to go out with me. With that little love in it, I’d be more inclined to call it the book of tolerance, but I can’t, there’s only eighty-nine entries for that.
There are so many issues that come up when you say I’m in love with words. For instance, how much do you spend on a date with a word? When your dating women, different ones require different amounts of cash. Also, when you go out with a trollop, very different things will happen if you’re with the woman or the word. As a side note, suddenly the word love takes on another meaning as well.
My son, who is not like me, just got himself a girlfriend. They enjoy sending texts back and forth. That’s fine, but for someone in love with words this becomes a vicious circle. You think about sending a text of love, and start to type. The moment you type a word, it’s a word in a love text, and therefore a word of love. The thing is, it may not be the word you’re in love with. Now you have to explain to the word you love why you would stoop so low as to write a love word to another word. I don’t know if words are like as girlfriends, but I’m sure after you’ve written ten other words in a love text to a certain word there’s going to need to be some serious explaining. Also writing the same word ten times in a row is just dumb, no matter how much you love it.
Another thing is, it’s my experience that love is fleeting. Do words want to get even, and slash your tires? Jealousy probably does, but I’m sure you can avoid that word if need be. What about other words. Remember there are other fish in the sea, or in this case other words in the dictionary. I’m glad of it too. I’m having trouble getting my head around being in love with words, I don’t want to think about fish.
What if you’re in a committed relationship with one word and a hussy word turns your head. Will that first word try to poison you, or maybe this is how computer viruses start.
It’s not worth it. Words be darned, I’m sticking with my wife.
Thank you for laughing and Please read a little longer
Thank you all for laughing with me, but I need to be serious. Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency is a genetic disease which rots the liver and lungs. There is no cure. The only help for people is to have a weekly infusion of proteins to stop the spread. For the next few months I will be taking all my proceeds and donating them to the Alpha-1 Foundation who are searching for a cure to this horrible malady. You can give here or for more information go to Alpha-1.org Thanks for supporting world laughter, and finding a cure. Laugh On