Like many people around the world, I drink a cup of coffee most every morning. Unlike many of those people I drink it black. Why? Because I like the taste of coffee. Not just the idea of coffee the actual taste. My uncle tells me he loves the taste of coffee as much as I but then buts in twelve sugars and about a half cup of cream. More power to him, but if you need that much extra stuff to make it palatable then you don’t really like coffee. What you like is the coffee drink you’ve created. And that’s cool.
All this really isn’t important except to say that coffee is simple. Coffee houses have made it complicated. This is coffee; you take dried roasted ground beans and pour boiling water over them, and then drink the water That’s it. However, in coffee houses that’s unthinkable. They have a drink called An Americano. To make this they make a very strong syrupy shot of coffee made with just a little water, then fill the rest of the cup with water. Hello, I don’t care how you make it It’s still coffee.
Here’s an interesting note. The most popular coffee in America is a brand called Maxwell House. It’s pretty good, but try getting it in a coffee house and they’ll be shocked. The store will go silent, three employees will start crying, and least one will faint dead away at being reminded such a mundane thing exists. Once the riot subsides, you’ll have to sit for a five-hour lecture on the history of coffee including, but not limited to, saving the rainforests, South American working conditions, the science of pollination, and the sex life of coffee plants complete with pornographic plant videos. By the end you’ll know the difference between French, Columbian, and Pike’s Roast, but you still won’t know who the heck Pike is.
Another odd thing, I was in the store the other day and read the back of a bag of ground coffee. It said the coffee had notes of lemon and chocolate. Another one said cranberries and citrus. I took one home and tried it. You want to know what it tasted like? Coffee! And, who’s writing notes to lemons and cranberries anyway, they can’t read.
Fancy schmancy folks are doing stuff like this all the time. I like to drink beer on occasion. My beer supposedly has a creamy texture with a hoppy finish. More precisely it tastes like beer. I can just see a couple of three-hundred-pound gorillas at a football game talking. “My Mike, this brew is sure going down smoothly and just adore the citrusy flavor and creamy texture. And look England has scored a goal”
“Yes Jack, I believe they have. Rah Rah. Sadly, I was distracted by just a hint of lemon in this ale, and was trying to decide if I was detecting a bit of coriander, in the flavor palate.”
Nope that’s not happening. Real people say only two things about the beer they drink: “This is good,” or “Man, this tastes like crap”. Brewers might look for coriander, cranberries, and tangerine zest, but drinkers haven’t got a clue what those things are.
The best is wine. Wine is sophisticated. Wine has a nose. How can a liquid have something solid like a nose? I have no idea but every wine drinker I know will tell you it has one. I’m told beer has a nose as well. In fact, it’s more prominent than wines nose, but nobody talks about it. I guess beer is very sensitive about the size of its nose, and we certainly don’t to sound like we’re making fun.
The thing is, how can we poke fun at something nobody’s ever seen? I’ve looked at every wine and beer bottle I can find, several times and still can’t find anything that even remotely looks like a nose, but it’s there somewhere. Wine drinkers are just weird.
They even change the language to suit their needs. Wine can have a floral bouquet. Everything I know tells me that a floral bouquet is a bunch of flowers. Simple enough. Not to wine people. To them a bouquet is a smell. However, it’s only a wine smell. Even to wine people the toilet doesn’t have a sewage bouquet, no it still stinks. Can we conclude, bouquet means it has to do with flowers? Nope! Wine can have a spicy bouquet. When I heard this, I gave my mother, cinnamon, nutmeg, clove, and basil. I told her it was a spice bouquet. My sister, the wine snob, did not approve. Those words are reserved for wine, and not regular things. Boy the stuff you learn when you’re not looking.
Then there’s the better one. A liquid can have a texture. Yes folks, your beer can have a harsh, creamy, or watery texture. In fact, water itself can have texture. If my water had anything but a watery texture, I’d throw it out, but no, companies bottle it and sell it as special. I did an experiment once. I bought three beers that supposedly had different textures. I stuck my finger in them to feel their texture. It went pretty quick, and was a complete failure. They all felt like beer to me. So, I felt pretty darn silly going to the hospital to have my fingers removed from three bottles.
A friend told me the texture was something called mouth-feel. What the hell is that? Apparently, this is a real thing and it’s taught in wine and beer tasting school. How am I supposed to know about it then? I haven’t been to any kind of school since that whole Maxwell House fiasco. Now the hoity-toity people of the world want me to learn how to feel with my mouth. Would that be the inside or outside of my mouth? I can feel my wife when I kiss her so I have to assume they need me to be able to feel on the inside. I can feel when I have a sore throat, but that’s not good enough.
I paid money to go to a beer tasting and education. I got there and we all had six beers and a bucket. We were told to take a sip if beer swirl it in our mouths, go “sup sup sup” three times, gargle a bit, sup three more times, then spit it out. Are they nuts? This was great beer, and all the swirling and gargling made it better, why in the angel’s holy names would I ever want to spit it into a bucket. That’s wasted beer. That’s alcohol abuse! I will say it was hilarious watching eleven folks, standing in a line, with beer in their mouths going “sup sup sup”
Anyway, at that point the instructor told us what we were supposed to taste and feel. Everyone agreed with him and discussed exactly what their experience was. Truthfully, I have to say they are liars. Bonefide, bare-faced, old-school liars! I’ll tell you what it tasted like: Beer! It felt like beer too.
Anyway, that’s what I learned.
Thank you for laughing and Please read a little longer
Thank you all for laughing with me, but I need to be serious. Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency is a genetic disease which rots the liver and lungs. There is no cure. The only help for people is to have a weekly infusion of proteins to stop the spread. For the next few months I will be taking all my proceeds and donating them to the Alpha-1 Foundation who are searching for a cure to this horrible malady. You can give here or for more information go to Alpha-1.org Thanks for supporting world laughter, and finding a cure. Laugh On