I’ve come to the disturbing conclusion that I’ve been transported into a Michael Crichton novel. I’ve come to an even harsher second conclusion that my seventh grade English teacher, Mrs. Pilsner, will send me a nasty email because I used the contraction, I’ve twice in that first sentence. She the local head of the grammar police and that sort of thing just is not done. So, before they slap on the handcuffs and take me away, I’d better move this along. Does anyone remember what I was talking about?

Oh Yes! I feel like I’m in a Michael Crichton novel. I hope it’s a good one like Jurassic Park. I mean that one made all kinds of money with the movies and such. Wouldn’t it be so cool to find out you’ve transported into a book and then that book was turned into a movie by Steven Spielberg. That would be great. Unless I’m one of the people who get killed. That’s always an issue. Michael doesn’t care who he kills as long as it progresses the story.

But I also hope I’m not the hero. In Michael’s novels the hero is always worse for the ware. They have to sleep outside, in Africa, or even in Antarctica. Also, there’s always monsters to contend with. In Micro, it was giant insets, and killer apes did the job in Congo. Prey had microscopic nanobots and huge dinosaurs ate almost everybody in Jurassic Park. No thanks. I experienced all the torture and monsters I need in Mrs. Pilsner’s English class. She was one tough cookie. Especially when you started a paragraph with but. Like I just did. Oops! Moving On.

I’m sure many of you don’t know a lot about Michael Crichton’s work, and that’s okay. He wrote pseudo-scientific, action, suspense, novels that maybe, possibly, could be happening with current scientific knowledge which almost always scared you in to some intended moral for today’s world. Let me look at that again, Hm Hmm Hmm. Yea that’s right, but it is an awfully strange and awkward sentence. Anyway, you can find his work in any library or bookstore. I’ve read most of them and enjoyed them all. Just like Mr. Ohh!’s Blog. Okay end of commercial.

So now that we know who Michael is, you’re probably wondering why I feel like I’m in one of his books. Well to give you a clue this book would be called Delta Variant. Yes, you guessed it. It’s because this stupid virus news is going crazy again, and It’s really starting to bug me. Remember, I said bug, not hurt, or anger, or fill me with sorrow, just straight up bother. What bothers me the most, is the news people. They can’t figure out what to say. First, it’s wear masks, then don’t wear them, then wear them again all in the same sentence. Mrs. Pilsner would kill for something like that.

This is where the novel idea comes in. Nobody ever knows what’s going on in a Crichton novel. The villain does something but hasn’t got a clue what the consequences are. Sometimes it’s a natural disaster that spoils his plans. Nobody controls that. Of course, the hero doesn’t know what the villain is doing. If he did, he would stop it right. It’s like talking to a French person and they have a different word for almost everything.  Okay I stole that joke, but it’s still very confusing.

In a typical Crichton novel, we are introduced to the hero or heroine very early, and they haven’t a clue that anything’s wrong. They are introduced to a situation and are awed. No, they don’t go around saying awwwe, like they’re constantly looking at kittens. It’s the other awe. The one where you look at something and don’t say anything. You just take a deep breath and forget to let it out, that kind of awe. Why do they call it awe? I don’t know. They had to call it something, and Take-A-Deep-Breath-And-Forget-To-Let-It-Out is way too long and awful. Mrs. Pilsner would have hated that sentence too. Oh Well.

For me the book would start like this; I was minding my own business when the leader of my country and the media announced the end of the Mexican Beer virus. Little did we know there was something worse on the horizon. See what I did there? It’s called it’s called foreshadowing and it’s telling the audience something is going to happen before it does. It’s great literary tool that all the best authors use. Anyway, back to the story. 

I was in my garden feeding the crocodiles when my colleague Dr. Why? stopped by and invited me to accompany him to his research facility. There’s always a research facility. When I got there. I was in awe. Yes, there was a picture of a kitten on the assistant’s computer. It was so cute. After that he took me back to his lab and showed me the latest numbers. They were: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, and 29. I took a deep breath and forgot to let it out. Those were some prime numbers. I congratulated Dr. Why? on a job well done, and we exited through the maze. I’m not sure why we did that, but it made us miss the broken test-tube in the corner.

So, after they’re amazed something always goes terribly wrong. Usually, it’s the work of a villain competitor. It throws all the Sci-Fi parts of the book into chaos and the hero or heroine must deal with it, while everyone else is dying or being eaten. Which is a lot like dying in many respects. Of course, this is also the time when a sexy person of the opposite sex just happens by and the hero or heroine must save them.

Now that’s another problem. I’m not sure what the opposite sex is. I mean If I am the hero, then it would be a woman. On the other hand, seeing myself in a mirror, it would easy to cast myself as the sexy person needing saving. Remember, I just said I was transported into the novel. I could be the first person to turn purple, fall apart, and have my head used as an unsuspecting bowling ball for crying out loud.

We might as well go on with the assumption that I’m the hero. That’s kind of cool. Okay, so Dr. Why? and myself walk out of the building where we find the beautiful Nurse Janet who is crying because her boyfriend just hopped on the motorcycle of another woman. I invite Janet to dinner and Dr. Why? goes home. Once there, Dr. Why notices that three fingers on his left hand…

Does anybody else hear that noise? I swear it sounded like a door crashing in. I’ve really got to get my hearing checked. Hey, Mrs. Pilsner, what are you doing here? Grammar police? Flaunting your authority? No, I was just… Who are those big guys? There’s no need for hand cuffs… Help, if anyone sees this, I’m…

Michael Crichton  1942-2008 Thank you for all you created