A word

And now a word from our sponsor. This is a famous line, which has been used since the days of the Pharaohs, to announce that a commercial is coming. Of course, in the days of ancient Egypt it would have been said like this: this: <arm, water, hand> <water, quail chick, quail chick> <arm> <quail chick, quail chick, mouth, hand> <viper, mouth, quail chick, owl> <folded cloth, stool, quail chick> <water, folded cloth, vulture, mouth> That’s hieroglyphics for you.

Well more than one

Of course, it’s seven words, not just one, and it can’t be our sponsor because I’m just one person. Then again that word, sponsor, suggests someone’s paying cash to play an ad, but nobody’s paying me anything because they don’t exist. I’m actually going to read you a commercial that I wrote to show a point that will lead into the remainder of the post. I didn’t mean to lie to you and I feel rather guilty.  However, now I’ve explained it all, and my conscience is clear and we can move on with clear heads. Unless you’ve done something you want to get off your chest? No? Yes? No! Great! Okay let’s go. Here’s the commercial;

The commercial

Imagine a scene with two ladies walking down the street. Both are wearing conservative black skirts. The brunette’s skirt is immaculate, but the blonde’s skirt is covered with cat hair. She is trying unsuccessfully to brush it off. The blonde speaks, “Oh those cats! I love then so much but the shedding, and I have a big meeting with my boss, in two hours. I’m going to have to buy a new skirt, this one is just ruined with cat hair.”

The brunette looks over in total empathy, “Ohh yes, that is quite a mess!”

The blonde is suddenly surprised. “Wait a minute, Julie. You have twenty-seven cats. How is there no cat hair on you at all?” She says as the brunette twirls.

The brunette smiles and winks. “Yes, I have lots of cats, but I also have a secret: Cat Varnish” She holds up a can from her purse.

“Cat Varnish? I never heard of that.”

“It’s new, and it’s the best thing since recyclable underwear. you just spray a generous coating all over kitty, and in a few seconds, it becomes a hard shell and your little feline angels stop shedding just like that.” She snaps her fingers

Suddenly both ladies are smiling and the blonde’s skirt is clean. “Well, I’m getting a can of Cat Varnish today, before my next meeting.”

Then as we see the ladies walking away and sashaying their respective derrieres. An announcer comes on talking real fast. “Cat Varnish comes in three flavors, mouse, bird, and squirrel. If cat continues to shed, too bad, you didn’t use enough. This product has never been tested on animals and, well, probably should have. Avoid using near eyes, ears, nose, mouth, anus, private parts, children, grandparents, food, undergarments, and fish. Why fish? I don’t know, I’m just reading the copy.  Excessive use of Cat Varnish may inhibit the animal’s movement for a time. If the cat hasn’t moved in two weeks, it’s dead.”

Now before some of you put on your coats and run out of the house in your bedroom slippers to purchase this wonderful product, I need to tell you again, it doesn’t exist. Hey, I own a cat and it should. So, if you’re thinking of buying some let me know. If enough of you want some, well, my dad left a bunch of old shellac in the garage and rebranding is really easy… Why am I telling you this? Just let me know and remember the name, Cat Varnish!

Actually, the reason I wrote this was for an old comedy show and the commercial wasn’t the funny part. The disclaimer was. That’s everything the announcer says, denying all the good stuff the girls say.

The Disclaimer

Disclaimers are the greatest and stupidest thing out there and nobody seems to notice. Take this actual embellished advertisement for a certain drug. (I can’t name names because they have lots more money and power than I do); It starts with people doing happy stuff like bar-b-ques, and bike riding. Everyone admits their good life is due to Trugavectech, the new drug for Snarkolyolyosis, a disease that give them an unsightly red rash. After we’re all feeling great and thinking we need Trugavectech, a golden-voiced-announcer comes on with the disclaimer; Some possible side effects are nausea, vomiting, rashes, skin turning yellow, conceiving alien babies, and death. Side effects tend to be mild. Do not take if you are pregnant, nursing, want to become pregnant, or have any thoughts about pregnancy at all. Do not take if you are allergic to Trugavectech our any of its ingredients. What are the ingredients? That’s proprietary information protected by patent, so you’ll just have to wing it. Then they end it all with a disclaimer on the disclaimer; Ask your doctor if Trugavectech is right for you.

The explanation

They have professionals to say this stuff so fast it can’t be understood. When I was still doing commercials, I auditioned for these jobs. I can’t talk fast enough. If it’s printed, it’s so tiny you need three magnifying-glasses to see it.  They have to tell you, but honestly don’t want you to know death is a side effect. Of course, the death tends to be mild. Can anyone tell me what a mild death looks like?  Are those the ones that produce ghosts? I guess, you could have fun haunting the doctor for eternity. Also, how can a mild rash be a side effect for a drug supposed to cure a mild rash? Aren’t they alluding to the fact that the drug doesn’t work? Okay, maybe that’s just me. Then there’s mild vomiting. Folks, I’ve vomited and it is not mild. End of statement

The side effects

Next there’s the pregnancy bit. Now I understand I’m a guy and won’t become pregnant and was about to ignore it. Before they threw in that last bit; If you have any thoughts about pregnancy at all. I have kids I think about pregnancy a lot, mostly about how to reverse it after twenty years, but that’s beside the point. Everyone could be thinking about pregnancy; therefore no one should take Trugavectech, period. But they’re still advertising it all over the radio and TV. And folks say my views are warped.

Remember not to take Trugavectech if you’re allergic to it. Great! The drug’s brand new, nobody’s gonna tell you what’s in it. Therefore, how’re you supposed to know if you’re allergic to it, or it’s ingredients? Guess? I know, I’ll ask a psychic, that should be a reliable medical source. I also wonder how stupid they think I am. I know I’m allergic to Trugavectech but I’ll lie to my doctor, and take it anyway. That would be awful, the death might not be mild.

The curse

Here’s the worst side effect of all, and they never even mentioned it. I have said, Trugavectech, eight times in this post. I mentioned nothing else that much. After you click off, you might remember a joke or two, but you’ll remember Trugavectech. That’s why you’ll mention it to your doctor and why they’ll be confused, because I made it up.

It’s the curse of Trugavectech. 

Ps now it’s ten times.