A great and wise person once said, “Everyone is an idiot in their own way. The sooner we embrace that fact, the sooner we can all live in peace. The longer we deny it, stupidity will continue to rule the world.” Whoever that was must’ve been highly intelligent, with his finger on the pulse of humanity. They must be a scholar on the peaks of wisdom, and a writer of world-wide fame. They must have been… Ohh wait, it was me.

From a wise guy

In case some of you think only a certified egomaniac would write this, okay I accept that. Maybe that’s how I’m an idiot. Still the original quote is true. Everyone needs to stop fighting their basic stupidities and start laughing at themselves. If world leaders did that everything would be so much more low-key. Instead, we have things like state dinners were everyone dresses in uncomfortable shoes, drinking Chateau Arachnid and eating Fonte’-laGook while wishing they had a hamburger. If the president of Machanasia served pizza, and nut-brown ale, at a state dinner, the world would be aghast, and the press would go nuts, but everyone would become instant friends, and laugh at each other. Maybe the secret service could find a big screen television and they could watch the football game during dinner. I would love to see world trade discussed while the Liverpool F.C. kicked butt.

Food for thought

Another stupid thing for state dinners is the menu. In Montreal there’s a dish called poutine. Imagine greasy deep fried cut potatoes, doused with salt, a generous helping of cheese curds on top, then smothered in gravy. It’s a heart attack in a bowel actually, yet it’s delicious. Now this provincial dish is a national treasure. They’re very proud of their poutine’, but you’ll never see it at a state dinner. Heads of state just wouldn’t understand such non-gourmet drivel. Heads of state must have unpronounceable food, made with spices that can only be obtained in third world open-air markets, portioned such that if a mouse ate it all, the poor beast would still be hungry. I mean think about this; The USA was formed in Philadelphia, but has any president ever served a Philadelphia Cheese Steak to any world leader, ever? I rest my case.

But it’s for everyone

Right about now, you’re all probably saying to yourself, “Yep, world leaders are idiots, and that whole state dinner thing is totally nuts.” Of course, on the other hand you might be saying it out loud, or you might be laughing and saying, “Yes, dear, I’ll take the trash out in a minute.” Actually, you could be saying any number of things, so I really don’t know why I’m trying to predict you at all, but there it is. No matter what you might be saying or thinking, if it’s only about world leaders, you’re forgetting the first line of this post. “Everyone is an idiot in their own way” Denying it just proves the point. Now most of the folks I know are smart enough to understand their own faults and laugh at themselves. My friend even save the stories, and gather together for monthly stupid fests where we compare notes.

Including my friends

Often, we give out prizes for the most brilliantly stupid acts. Last month, my friend Bob was looking for the mens room, and accidently walked through an emergency exit, setting off an alarm that automatically called the fire department. To save face, when they arrived Bob took out his phone and sauntered up to the captain and said, “Three minutes forty-one seconds, but let’s try for better next time.” A great line, but it would have been better if it had worked. It didn’t. They arrested him and his wife had to come bail him out. That stupid move got him his dinner bought and a court date next Thursday.  

And my coworkers

 Then there’s Stan. Stanley J. Kowalski, is a company accountant where I work. Stanley is the only person I ever met to calculate their wife’s labor time to the seventh decimal place. “Cate was in labor for six-hours and thirty-four point five, seven, three, two, two, nine, one minutes. I rounded up because she was in pain and it was natural that it seemed longer.” Well, a few months back, Stan and I were having lunch and I mentioned Mr. Ohh!’s first law to him. Well, he strongly disagreed. He believed he had never done anything stupid in his life and was certainly not an idiot in any way. I just laughed at him and was willing to let it pass, but Frank McCain overheard the conversation.

Well from that on moment Frank was determined to catch Stan doing something stupid. As you may have guessed Frank started setting up practical jokes for Stan, and Stan was bragging his superiority to Frank. As far as I was concerned both were showing off their stupid in brilliant colors, and a good portion of the company was agreeing with me. Then came our company end of the year celebration.

Necessary Disclaimer

Before I go on, I want to say the story you’re about to hear is mostly true I’m not changing the names I’m already using fake ones. Anyway, as it turns out both of their wives are named Catherine. Stan’s is Cate, Franks is Cathy. As an interesting coincidence the vice-president in charge of the division, Roy Weston’s, wife’s name is Kathleen. You may not care now but it comes into play later.

And back to the story

At our yearly celebrations we play a game. The employees are separated from their significant others, and the others answer trivia questions about the employees. The top prize for the winner is two air-fares to anywhere in the US. Consequently, it gets pretty competitive. The employees are sequestered in a side room and are not allowed in the other room for any reason.

Now, on this particular evening, in the middle of the quiz, someone outside the employee room screamed, “Oh Boy! Catherine needs you right now! Well, Stan and Frank didn’t know who was needed, and at that moment didn’t care. Both ran into the spouse’s room like their tails were on fire. As soon as they got there, both realized their mistake and hit the brakes sliding into one another like some kind of comedy movie. I’m told it was hilarious.

Apparently, what was said was, Oh Roy! Kathleen needs you. She was trying to read someone’s bad handwriting, and Roy isn’t part of the game anyway.

 Well, everyone started laughing. Mr. Weston answered his wife’s question and walked the two of them back to the employee’s room, and the employees got to have a laugh as well. After a moment even they got into the spirit and Stan said, “We must have traveling at seventeen point four four six miles per hour. Frank too got into it saying, “That floor surely doesn’t have a high friction coefficient.”

And once again I am proven right

As people tend to say all’s well that ends well. Frank and Stan are back to normal and the bragging and arguing have calmed down. However, people still wonder how Sarah, my assistant, could have made a call like that and have it sound so close to what it wasn’t. I certainly had nothing to do with it.

As far as they know.