Let me ask you

You’ve probably heard that our friend covid caused some teensy-weensy delivery delays. Well, I’m here to say that’s just nuts! In fact, I ordered a refrigerator with my tax refund, and it arrived this week. Of course, it was my 2020 refund and I ordered it in March of 2021, but these are just details. Very Important Details!! That’s right folks. It took a year to get my freaking fridge.

I asked my wife

Ohh, they told me there was gonna be a delay. It was supposed to arrive in October. My wife and I discussed what to do. My solution was to scream, ask to see the manager, insult their mother, cry, then storm out swearing to never again return, as well as threatening to burn down the corporate office. My wife’s idea was different. Since every store we checked had the same policy, she suggested we make the purchase and wait. After deliberation, we went with her resolution, although she did let me whimper a bit as a compromise.

After such a purchase there are always a bunch of questions about water, ice makers, hook-ups, first born children, allergies, mental health, and bathroom habits. Then came the big one. The saleslady asked if I wanted to go on a date with her. Sorry, that was just fantasy, but she was very cute. What she really asked was, did we want delivery for seventy-five dollars?

I asked my brother in law

Now my wife’s brother is a large man who currently works in construction. If there is anyone who would know how to get an appliance into our house it would be Mark. In fact, he brought in our last fridge. To save family trouble, I opted to pay the fee and let the professionals do it. Again, we discussed. The second time I won. This is why our marriage works. Not because we discuss everything and come to amicable conclusions, because she lets me think I win sometimes so I don’t throw a tantrum too often.

I asked omicron

So, March turns to April and soon it’s October, and with it comes Omicron. Now, to be honest, I’m not sure what omicron was or even is. I understand it’s some deviant of covid and it started us all standing six feet apart again. Which, by the way makes it very difficult to play Twister. Thankfully my still wife braves the disease and will kiss me, but if we had to do those six feet apart, I don’t think I’d like that at all, but this is beside the point. What October was supposed to mean was that my fridge was going to arrive, but omicron stopped that.

I asked the sales lady

When I called the store to ask about delivery, they started the conversation with, “How about a free ice maker?” A free ice maker is never a good sign. Even if you want ice, do you realize how much trouble that thing is to hook up? First you have to buy a kit for forty bucks which is never free even if the ice maker is. Also, the delivery people will never hook up an ice maker, so that’s on you. You have to find a water line, drill holes in the floor, hope you have the correct wrench, and make sacrifices to the plumbing gods so that it won’t leak. Assuming you do all that correctly your beautiful ice maker will break in about six months. As I said it’s never a good sign. I declined the free icemaker so she offered to refund my shipping.

Anyway, when I called the store, they informed that my fridge was delayed by the virus. I grew very concerned. I wanted to know it’s temperature, or if it had any other symptoms. The saleslady wondered what I was talking about. I informed her that if my appliance had the flu, I wanted to make sure it was fully cured before it came to my house. She tried to tell me stuff about dock workers and ships and China, but I didn’t understand any of that stuff. Finally, she understood my questions and told me my fridge didn’t test positive for the virus but a nearby dishwasher did. They were quarantining all the appliances for a little while to make sure everything was safe. I wish she would have told me the truth in the first place. All that shipping schedule stuff was confusing.

I asked the doctor

 Now in October I was fine but in February I dislocated my shoulder. I thought it was just bruised so instead of going to the hospital I did what every hospital ER person tells you to do. Take Tylenol! My wife was gone for three days so I put it in a sling, and popped the pills. She took one look at it and I went to the ER so fast… They reset my shoulder and sent me home with good drugs. You know, women say giving birth is the worst pain ever, like pushing out a bowling ball. I beg to differ. Having your shoulder reset after three days is worse. It’s like putting the kid back in after a month or two. It hurts!!

I asked the delivery guys

The reason I’m saying this is the delivery guys needed help. They had a whole freaking year to bring that fridge, but they waited till my shoulder was dislocated. Not a good plan. They tried to bring it in through the garage door and promptly got it stuck. After realizing the front door was bigger, they had to have me push the thing out while they pulled. Ohh The Pain.

To bring it in the front door they had to go around a corner and up a step. The thing is you can’t maneuver dolly. Therefore, I had to help shimmy the thing to the step so one of the burly men could hoist it up into the hallway. The old fridge is on wheels so it moved to the entrance of the kitchen well enough, but didn’t fit through. I told the guy’s that Mark had to remove the doors. They weren’t having any of it. They had a technique where you opened the doors, then spun the fridge out closing the doors in the process, but it took three guys. More pain!

Once in the hallway they found out they left their dolly on the wrong side of the new fridge. Guess who had to had to help push, and shimmy, and ease down a step with a bum shoulder? The pain was excruciating! Then it didn’t fit through the front door with the handle on. I ended up holding the thing while the guys took it apart. Then they just dropped it out the door, almost on my foot!

When they tried to move the new fridge into the kitchen, they tried their open-door trick. No Worky! I had to move all the furniture to get it in. Once in I actually had to lift up the table because it ended up where the fridge was supposed to go. After all that I can only say two things. First, that refrigerator is there for life. It ain’t coning out until the house burns down. The second is…

Nobody knows nothing!!

Mommy, I want some Tylenol!