A saying to remember

There is this great old saying, “Never Send a Cow To Do An Eagles Job.” I don’t know who said it originally, and I really don’t care. It’s a pretty dumb saying. It might have even been me, one night in my youth when I was blasted out of my gourd. I tend to say stupid things when that happens. So, who knows? Anyway, it fits this situation, so I’m letting it go.

An album to remember

You see the other day my wife did a horrible thing. We were sitting on the sofa and everything seemed okay when suddenly, Dun Dun Daaaaaaa (The suspenseful music is an added bonus provided at no extra charge) She broke out the baby albums Dun Dun Daaaaaaa Again! She smiled so big as she opened them, and I just quivered as the memories of pain and humiliation flooded back. She showed me a picture of my first son in one of those baby carriers. You know the ones. They weigh fifty-pounds and enable you to carry a seven-pound kid.

She pointed to the carrier and reminded me that I bought that all by myself, and brought it to the hospital. I cried what she took to be tears of joy, but they weren’t. It was the memory trauma coming back. You see, I’m not a shopper. When I need something, I go to a store that sells it, and I buy it. Simple! I might look at prices when It’s expensive, but if the store carries a good selection, there’s no problem This is not the case with baby equipment. Do you know you can’t find anything for a newborn baby at an electronics superstore? Well, that’s the type of store I’m most familiar with. So already, I’m out of my element.

A friend to remember

If you go to the department store, the newborn section is hidden in the back behind racks of toddler clothes. It was kind of like a scavenger hunt. I could have asked, but where’s the fun in that. After hours of searching as if I was on safari, I found the newborn department and saw they had almost nothing. That was just fine with me. Limited selections mean fewer choices and less time in the store. This was my happy thought until I met Mom X.  Mom X was like a baby shopping superhero, saving the world from poor quality, and manufacturer defects. She should have been big-chested, wearing a mask, spandex and a cape. Not So Much!! She was middle-aged, wearing frumpy clothes and a sour scowl. Did she at least have a laser pistol at her side? Nope, she was armed to the teeth with product reviews from every magazine you can think of. So much for thinking Marvel Comics are reality, but I digress.

I tried to select a car seat, then Mom X suddenly swooped in to inform me the harness was unsafe, and it was hard to install in the car. She even gave me a pamphlet. I looked for another kind, but “limited selection” bit me in the posterior, and I realized this store didn’t sell the one Mom X would recommend. I selected a play yard. (ya’ know, for years I had thought it was a play pen, but apparently ‘pen’ is not politically correct) I learned, as well, the one I selected did not have sufficient padding and did not include a bassinet or changing table. Here came another pamphlet. Every item I picked off the shelf, Mom X informed me that purchasing it was like sentencing my child to a slow and painful death. I tried to argue, but the magazine articles proved everything she said. She wore down my resistance to a quivering pile of vanilla pudding. I asked, the great Mom X, where I should go to purchase these items and she responded, “Why should I care what you buy? Shop anywhere you want.” I was even more dismayed, as she and I both left empty handed. Why am I forced to remember this?

A trip to remember

Being an intelligent man, I did some research and found there exists, in my city, a baby superstore. I cheered the second I heard this news because a superstore is something I understand. You won’t believe what I found. There are twenty-three different kinds of baby bottles. I counted them. They all claim to be the best. Do you realize that a baby bottle is a scientifically designed device which maximizes liquid flow while reducing gas? Silly me, I thought it was used for drinking formula. Speaking of formula, I found four major brands and each of them, had a variety of types depending on your child’s digestive system. How in the hell, am I supposed to know anything about my child’s digestive system, when my wife is still in the hospital and she’s not allowed to feed him yet? The memories are really starting to hurt

The hardest item to get was the car seat. You can’t bring a baby home until you have a suitable car seat, and my lovely, highly intelligent wife, who had read all the books, was still in the hospital. I went to the car seat aisle and was thrown into shock. There are more types of car seats than there are baby bottles. I cried for help. Where was Mom X when I needed her? This was a serious problem. Normally, I would’ve asked my wife for help or better yet, let her do it by herself, but she was in the hospital waiting for me to bring said car and seat, so she and my progeny could come home. In other words, I was on my own and had to purchase something quickly. Luckily, in the middle of the aisle there was a button saying “Press For Help” I pressed it, then the store paging system came on, “Hey everyone, there’s an idiot in the car-seat row that can’t figure out what he’s doing. Can somebody go over there and help the dummy?” So much for anonymity!

A “helpful” associate came over. I knew she was because her badge said, “Sharon/ Helpful Sales Associate,” and I’m sure a big superstore chain, wouldn’t lie about such things. The lady started talking, and described all of the various car seat’s features and benefits. It was the most wonderfully prepared speech I had ever heard. Unfortunately, just like the prepared speeches of politicians, I didn’t understand a word of it. I just kept nodding and marveled at the complexity of it all. She eventually came to an all-leather car/ booster/ stroller seat combination, and ended the speech with a definitive, “This one is top of the line.” Looking at the $900 price tag I added, “Well it ought to be!”

A time I wish they’d let me forget

I was stupefied, never realizing that car-seats had benefits. Sharon must have picked up on the look and asked, “How old is the baby?” I told her how many hours and she almost threw me out on the store chastising me for shopping while my wife was in the hospital. I had to make a quick decision, and decided on a feature I could understand, and picked a blue one.   

Painful Memories!!