What happened

Six weeks ago, the horrors of a demented world descended upon the tiny gated community where Mr. Ohh! calls home. Heathens from the darker side of humanity invaded our space and our simple lives will never be the same. Wow this sounds impressive and important, but it really wasn’t.

You see I live in a housing complex, and my neighbors from a couple of streets over, Rich, and Emily Durbin, came home from dinner one evening, and noticed some lights shining in the windows of the garage. They disabled the garage door opener, and called the police. Good plan! When the cops arrived, they entered the garage to find the three perpetrators. One was using some cheap wires to try to pick the lock to the house, and failing miserably. He must have seen it a lot on TV and expected it to be a cinch. The second, a girl, had a part of a fishing pole, and was brandishing it like a whip. She ran towards the cops hoping they might get out of the way, and she’d escape. They tased her. The third was standing in a corner, wetting his pants. Let’s just say they were easily subdued, and taken away.

Before I go on, I want to say if you are the victim of a crime I’m not making light of your suffering. It’s just that this paltry excuse for criminal activity was laughable. They were just kids. You see, Emily is a high school teacher, and has a taxidermized snake which she brings to class sometimes. These kids got it in their minds they would steal it. Charges were not pressed. Emily felt the embarrassment was sufficient punishment. Everyone’s lives should have gotten back to normal.

What happened BECAUSE of What happened

However, this happened in America. Here we have a proud heritage which can never be over-looked. This is something we must do come Hell or high water. It’s an unwritten law that in this country we must, I’m saying this is a requirement handed down from our forefathers, it is in our very blood to OVER REACT! Even though this was found to be a simple high school prank, and an isolated incident. Even though the Durbins dropped all charges. Even though no one was injured, or saw any loss in any way, my homeowner’s association felt it necessary to have an emergency meeting to discuss this new criminal scourge.

Now, I walk around the complex, and talk with a few friends. At first we all laughed this event off. We joked about having an Annual Pants Wetting Ceremony in honor of the Durbins. For two days it was all a huge joke. Then the signs went up. All of a sudden the mood changed. We were told to live in fear for our very lives. They were coming! It was never clearly defined who they were, but when they got here it was going to be really, really bad. I’m talking anarchy bad. And the HMA wasn’t going to be able to protect us if that happened. Actually, I never expected the HMA to protect me. They’re just there to make up stupid rules, and complain to, when some dog poops near your door. I certainly never saw them as the marines. Who knew? I skipped the meeting, opting to wait for the movie. The thing is, I expected that movie to be a silly documentary, not the comedy it turned out to be.

How it happened

The first thing to come out of the meeting was the most high-tech as well as the most stupid. You may not know this, but there’s a company which will take super high-res satellite photos of your home every time the satellite flies over. They send these photos to an observer who looks for anything suspicious. I guess it sounds okay on paper, but to do this for a whole housing complex sounds a bit invasive. They offered it to our HMA for free for a month as a trial. If there’s one thing my HMA loves it’s anything that’s free. At the meeting it was voted on, and the paranoid folks said yes. So, for two week we got these pictures. Good? Maybe? But not as good as you might think.

I give you my counter offer, Lila Ashford. Lila is very open and sunbathes in the nude. Also, let’s just say Lila is known to turn a few heads. In simpler terms, the girl is smoking hot. Can you say distracting? Sure, I knew you could. Half the pictures that came back were focused in on Lila’s fenced-in back yard, and her “charming scenery.” You could drive an M1 Abrams tank down any other road and… Okay I’m exaggerating. You couldn’t drive an M1 tank down any road. The roads are to narrow. But you could drive any other tank down the roads, destroying houses as you went, and the sat service would never notice anything but Lila’s tan. Let’s just say the HMA fired them quickly.

Who it happened to

They also decided to set up a neighborhood watch. The guy they put in charge was Bruce Thorsen. Bruce is a good enough guy, but in the American spirit, he needed to overreact even more than the HMA. Since he was in charge, it was his duty to be armed. He went out and bought a 9mm handgun. He took the lessons and got certified. Even going to some range someplace and practicing for hours. Bruce was ready. Sadly, his downfall came in the form of Fluffy McGill.

In my neighborhood, everybody knows Fluffy. He’s a scrappy gray tomcat who’s always in a fight with something; Birds, Mice, Feeders, Bushes, Fences. You name it, Fluffy’s tried to take it down. He even goes after squirrels which makes him all right in my book, but I digress. Anyway, the watch was getting organized, Bruce was on patrol, and noticed someone hiding in the shadows by the Henson’s place. He called for back-up, and drew his weapon. Unfortunately, he forgot two things. First, he didn’t unsnap the little strap which holds the gun d, and second he never put the safety on. You guessed it, he shot himself in the foot. Then Fluffy jumped out and scratched the heck out of him, just to make it worse. When he got home from the hospital his wife took his gun away, and wouldn’t give it back like he was nine-years-old. So humiliating!

What keeps happening

My neighbors Tray and Coco, decided to do something more personal. They installed an ultra-sensitive alarm system, with cameras, and motion detectors. Two days later it really worked out for them. It detected someone in a ski-mask wandering the living-room. Police were dispatched, only to find there three-year-old son pretending to be a spy in the dark. These days they have enough false alarms, the cops stop into my house for a beer, after each one, every couple of days. It’s friendly.

You might ask what Mr. Ohh! did to stop this heinous crime wave. I hate to say this, but I just started locking my front door. I never did that before.

Wow, I feel so secure now!