I bought a house (sort of)

Twenty-one years ago, I bought my house. I agreed to pay for this home for thirty years. Which means it really won’t be my home for another nine years. Of course, this only means I won’t pay the bank anymore. I will still have to make a monthly payment, because my home is on the ground. If it floated in the air, I wouldn’t have to pay land taxes. So basically, I bought the house but not the earth it’s on. That belongs to the city. Actually, it also belongs to the city, county, state, and country in some kind of joint ownership deal that’s more confusing than my uncle Harry’s druid girlfriend/ partner/ wife’s relationship, but that’s another story. Either way I’m allowed to have the house, so I guess it all works out.

I rented a house (truly)

As most newlyweds do, I used to rent a smaller place. Then after two years, everyone started telling how I was throwing my money away. Home ownership builds equity, and value. At some later date, you can sell a home, and get the cash out of it. Also, an apartment is no place to raise a family. The way everyone talked, I needed to do some research. Not being one for research, I got up at five in the morning, and listened to the economics program on the radio. Frankly, I think they put it on so early because nobody wants to listen to it. But I did. They screamed, “You Have to Own a Home!”

The perfect (?) house

So, I bought one, and after doing it, I have to tell you all, it was without exception the most fabulous, and greatest… stupid decision of my life. The first thing was, after looking around, my wife said we found the perfect home. She even indicated which rooms would be used for what, and where pieces of furniture would go. It was perfect. Except!! Except? It’s not perfect if there’s an except. That’s the definition of except; The thing which makes stuff not perfect, unquote. You can look it up. It’s right there. We needed to repaint everything. The carpet was the wrong color, and the kitchen cabinets had the wrong knobs. She complained about knobs? If something is perfect, how can you complain about knobs? And would you like to guess who got to do all this work? No need to answer, you already know.

Nino

The thing is when I was renting, the place came with Nino. If you needed something done, you dialed star-eight-four on your phone, and Nino came and did it. Who wouldn’t love that? My wife and I left for a short vacation. When we got back the refrigerator was dead. Star-eight-four, and Nino brought us another one, along with two hundred bucks for lost food. One day, we noticed water coming from the ceiling of the bathroom. Star-eight-four, and Nino remodeled the whole room. All while I sat in my easy-chair with a glass of iced tea. When on vacation, I asked him to feed my dog. He wouldn’t do that, mostly because I didn’t have a dog, but he did come in and water the plants. Nino was great. I would have married him if I could, I loved him so much.

When we got to our new home, my wife said paint the living room. I immediately dialed star-eight-four, and Nino didn’t come. No more Nino. Home ownership may build equity but it doesn’t come with Nino.  And life sucks without Nino. I miss him so much.

Another thing about Nino is he was also like an ATM, sort of. I explained he did the stuff which needed doing, but he also paid for it. I remember once, I spilled some red punch on the carpet. I called Nino. I figured I’d have to pay something for this mistake. Nino showed up with a carpet patch kit, looked at carpet and kit, noticed they didn’t match, and decided the place needed new carpet. Poof! The place was recarpeted at no cost to me. Recently, my kitchen floor cracked due to a leaky dishwasher. Not only did I have to pay for the dishwasher, I had to pay three grand for the floor. I needed to go to the bank, and get a Home Equity Loan to pay for all this. Boy that was a fiasco. All because Nino never showed up with the cash.

Information about the house

I went to see the smiling banker lady and told her what I needed. She told me I had an excellent credit rating so this would be no problem. I needed twenty-five-thousand, and I have a hundred-fifty equity in my home, so again no problem. BUT, She needed a few things. First, she needed my last three tax statements. Now I work on bonuses, my income varies. This was a problem, not because I didn’t make enough, because it might vary down. So, I had to provide five.

During Covid, for no reason I can guess, my property values went down. They needed an inspection, which yielded the kitchen floor was crap, which in turn lowered my equity. They knew my floor was crap. That’s why I needed the loan. To Fix It!

And more

Next, they needed information, on my complex. I can’t even guess, what the complexes insurance policy, or the number of homes bought and sold in the last ten years, had to do with my ability to pay them back? But they needed to know this, and a bunch of other things. I’d understand if they wanted my first-born, he’s pretty useful. Or some blood, at least that belongs to me.  I should have given them Nino’s Information. That would’ve gotten them moving.

Either way, I called the management company. They told me the stuff was available from an online service. The service charged me two-hundred bucks to send the stuff out. Yes folks, I paid two hundred dollars to get twenty-five-thousand. Looks like that Nigerian prince has got himself an office, in mt town. I’d say this was ridiculous, but hang on a second.

After I got them all the info, I waited for the bank to call, and call they did. I expected to go get my cash, but no. They needed more information. You see, my complex has a pool. The bank had to know who owned the pool. Why? Who knows? I don’t own it, it doesn’t affect my income, but they wouldn’t even look at my paperwork until they knew. I’m not kidding, and this is the new government system trying to get cash into the hands of the people. Well, I flipped the bank the bird, and went to a loan shark. Their system is so much more streamlined; I make the payments, or get my legs broken. The details are so much easier.

Rating the transaction

The great thing is, about a week later a smiling representative from the bank called me and asked how I liked their customer service. Well, I told them. By the end of it, the lady said she didn’t have to hear language like that, twice.  I told her she was the one who called me.

I bet you they won’t call again