For the right price…

It’s come to my attention, the best way to make money in business, is not to do business. You don’t make money by creating, manufacturing, and selling stuff. That’s caveman thinking. You make money by creating and selling businesses. The businesses you sell don’t actually have to make money. You just need to find someone to buy them. This being said; Mr. Ohh!’s Sideways View has never made a cent, but also has never lost anything. If anyone is looking to pay a million bucks for my business, It’s for sale.

Some of you folks are probably doubting me. Ha! You should never doubt Mr. Ohh!. Look at the company called X, formally Twitter. It never showed a true profit. Yet, one of the world’s savviest businessmen, Elon Musk, bought it for Forty-Four-Billion dollars. That’s billion with a ‘B’. This is the same guy who founded a software company in 1995 and sold it four years later for three-hundred-seven-million. Sideways View is five-years-old and I’m only asking one mill. A savings of forty-three-billion plus dollars. This is the deal of a lifetime. Of course, after Musk bought twitter, he fired everyone and changed the name, but I can deal with that. Hey Elon, buy my site and fire me, I’m good with that.

But you won’t want it anyway

The reason I bring all this up honestly has nothing to do with everything I’ve said thus far. In fact, I’m about to make the worst segue known to man. It’s going to be really terrible and some of you are going to wonder if this is actually Mr. Ohh! composing this post, or just a cheap imitation. Well, let me assure you, I am the true Mr. Ohh!. However, that fact alone does not preclude that I am not cheap or an imitation, of something or other. On to the segue. Remember you’ve been warned.

Selling businesses must be the best way folks make money. Why else would someone sell the third biggest cell phone carrier in America to the second largest? You see it was pretty bad. Sadly, I have to keep going with what I have. So, continuing on…

Admittedly, it did make them the largest carrier, but then Monopoly laws kicked in and they had to sell of some assets, move away from certain territories, and could not pass GO and collect $200. I’m not sure what a board game has to do with cell carriers, but when a judge says you do it, you do it. I wonder if there’s any reward for landing on Free Parking? These are the Monopoly rules I remember.

The customers are whiners

Anyway, I was one of the happy customers of the purchased company. I was quite satisfied with my service, so when I received a letter stating nothing would change, I felt relieved. There were some glitches in service, but I guess this is to be expected from any major change.

Then I decided to add my aging mother to my account. When I signed up, I was told I could add up to ten phones. Since I was getting a great rate, and mom could no longer be on dad’s plan, mostly because he died, I decided to add her to mine and she would pay me. No sweat. Wanna Bet!!!

I called the company and said I wanted to add a line. The guy was happy to do so until I gave him my information. Then he said, “You’re a legacy customer. You have to be handled by another department.” At which time I was put on hold so fast my head spun. Wow, I guess he wasn’t very happy to serve me at all. I was taken off hold by the sister of Satan. She would add a line for me and it would only cost an additional two-hundred a month.

I asked about my contract and was informed that with the corporate purchase my plan no longer existed, so adding a phone basically meant starting new service with a single line and no perks. I said thanks, told her where to go, and I’d go with someone else, then hung up. Later I was called by Mary Sunshine telling me I was a valued customer and they would do anything to get me back. After an hour on the phone, an hour of my life I will never get back listening to her sappy voice. My hands are shaking just thinking about it. The Feds should hire this lady to talk to terror suspects for a few days. Folks would tell them anything just to get her to shut up. But I digress. Anyway, she decided I could get a senior plan because of my mother’s age, and it would only be fifty additional bucks. I grumbled and agreed. It was only a bit more and I would no longer be a legacy customer. Or so I thought.

They want stuff, Just because we say they can have it

I’m sure you’ve all seen the ads, “Get a free phone. We’ll never raise your rates. Free Netflix. We’ll wash your dirty underwear for a year. All if you upgrade service from Our company.” This is probably a lie, but I can’t prove it, and frankly don’t want to. All companies including mine say this crap on TV, but none of it applies if you’re a legacy customer. Honestly, I don’t know what legacy means, but I’m starting to think it has something to do with the way extreme northern civilizations abandon their elderly out on ice floes. Either that, or unwanted bastard children. One of the two, because this is the way I was treated when I needed a new phone.

You see I broke my phone and since it was older decided to replace it. I went to an outlet from my new company. Again, they were happy to help, explaining the great deals I could get. I just had to give them my information. Once they had that, a glacier moved in and the place became totally frosty. They couldn’t help me because I was a legacy, and could I please leave before I infected any of the real customers with my virus. I walked out, and they were sure to sanitize everything I touched.

Because of who I was, I could only deal with these folks over the phone.  When I did, I was told none of the new phones work with my plan. I had to upgrade my plan to get a new phone. I was about to go to a new service but was informed I’d have to send back all four of the other phones on the acct. Then I heard maniacal laughter. I agreed and managed to only raise my bill a hundred bucks.

Why would they believe such a thing?

The thing is, when I got that bill, it was three-hundred more. The lady added, and sent, two extra pieces of equipment I hadn’t ordered. I was so angry I gathered everything up and sent it all back. I cancelled everything, demanded refunds, and even suffered Mary Sunshine again. Ohh The Pain!! 

Now I’m not usually paranoid, but this morning I read The Huge company is trying to purchase my new carrier. I really think they’re after me. AHHH!!