The way of the world

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, “I Love Stupid People” Many comedians start their shows by saying the opposite, but they’re lying. They like senseless folks more than I do. If not, where would they get all their material? Hmmm? Imagine going to a show, and the performer saying, “I love intelligent people.” After that they got nothing. No laughs. They need stupid people to make a living. They’re just not being honest.

I’ve also said, “Everyone is stupid in their own way.” Did you hear that? That was the sound of a million folks saying, “Not Me!” They just refuse to admit it. Those poor souls think they’ve never done anything ridiculous, and are perfect, but no. Sadly, I have to remind them; Even the creator has done some untoward things. Think about it, He or She created all the idiots, who think stuff like that.

Some make the best of it

You see, smart folks embrace their individual absurdities. Some even make a living at it. Comedians come to mind immediately, but what about MMA fighters. These folks happily walk into a ring just to get the snot beat out of them. Sure, one in a thousand make some money, and possibly gain some fame, but nine-hundred-ninety-nine do it just, for the pleasure of bleeding on national television.

What about rugby players? Football players have a chance of making it into some league somewhere and coming home with a few bucks and fewer broken bones. Not rugby. Even the top teams, aren’t high on the food chain, and they get the crap kicked out of them on a regular basis. Then there’s hockey, which is played on a man-made substance, which is commonly called frozen blood. Enough said about that.

The world calls these people athletes. I call them fools who’ve embraced what they are and found a way to make a bit of cash. I’m not judging. I’m just bringing it to your attention. Hey, I have a friend who makes a living carrying around a 22.6kg (50lb) sousaphone. As if carrying it isn’t enough, he’s puffing into it the whole time. If that’s not senseless, I don’t know what is.

Some need a little help

All this being said, there is a second group of folks, whom I love to hang around with. These are the ones who embrace their own foolishness and encourage foolhardiness in others. Well, maybe encourage isn’t the correct word. These folks do silly things for the simple purpose of seeing the stupid reactions of others. You know who I mean. Those uptight folks, who truly believe doing anything silly is beneath them. They know what they’re doing is completely right and proper, because, it’s what they’re doing. These deluded individuals need outwardly foolish folks to break them out of their shell. Whether or not they wish to be broken out is another story. Frankly, I just think the breaking process is funny as hell.

I am such an irrational person. I believe a person should be free to be foolish, and unconstrained by a harsh stifling society. If you aren’t able to live childlike and play I will help. Either that, or I’ll laugh at you for being too stuck on yourself. The upside of all this is I’m having a good time no matter where I go. Recently a situation came up which explains this very nicely.

And some need Mr. Ohh!

I was in the self-checkout line at the market. The person behind me, we’ll call her Lady Fool, was in a big hurry. In fact, she actually hit me with her cart once before I even made it to the scanning area. At first, I was going to take pity on her and scan my nine items as quick as possible, but then she looked at me and let out with a loud, “Tuh” and a sigh. This told me she wasn’t in a hurry; Lady Fool was just plain rude. Therefore, I went full Mr. Ohh! On her and slowed actually down, scanning everything methodically, and carefully placing it on the moving belt. You can call me a bad person if you want, but it was kind of fun watching the steam puff out of her ears.

As I said, I only had a few items, so I moved with them to the bagging area. Opening my bags and setting them into my cart I started placing the objects, one at a time in the bags. This is when impatience over took Lady Fool and she did the first stupid thing. She walked up to the scanning area and proceeded to start scanning her groceries. Then she placed them on the belt, which happily delivered them to the bagging area. Remember, I was still in the bagging area.

Now, I’m really a very nice person. I would never do anything to harm anyone, unless they openly ask to be harmed. I mean, if a person walks up to me and says, “Mr. Ohh! Pleas make a fool out of me in front of everyone in the store?” I’ll do it. I may not have woken up that morning planning to mess you over, but if you ask I’ll comply. Also, there are different ways to ask me this question. Sometimes actions peak much louder than words, and Lady Fool’s actions where screaming at me to do something totally irrational. So, I did.

As her groceries came down the belt I didn’t pause for a second. I started placing them very slowly and carefully in my bags. You folks would’ve proud of me, I was the perfect blind idiot. So perfect in fact, Lady Fool did her second stupid thing. She yelled from the scanning area and accused me of stealing her stuff. I looked up in a daze and indicated that the stuff in the bagging area were mine. I had already scanned and checked-out. She panicked and told me she’d scanned some of her stuff, and I bagged it. Every cell of my being was laughing but I held it in. What I did was put a confused look on my face and told her I didn’t think so.

Or even the manager (ohh! I’m scared)

Her face started turning the most wonderful shade of red and she called over the manager to accuse me of stealing. The manager came over, tried to calm her down, and asked what happened. She loudly explained, drawing the attention of the whole store to us. The manager asked me, and I told her I was just bagging the stuff in the bagging area. Th manager looked at the area and then at my receipt. Yes, there were two of her items in my bag. I knew that. I put them there.

I was so sorry. I apologized up down and sideways. It sounded so sincere. Those acting classes all those years ago paid off. I picked up my bags and left while the manager was giving Lady Fool a long lecture about waiting until one person is done before starting scanning.

When I got back to my car, I laughed so hard I couldn’t drive. In fact because of this I was late for a meeting. I didn’t care I had a great excuse.