Pondering

The other day I was pondering. Of course, if you decide to ponder, it’s always better to ponder life’s great ponderables. If you’re not pondering ponderables, it’s really a worthless ponder. However, when pondering ponderables everything becomes a ponder worth pondering. In fact, my simple pondering came up with a fascinating ponderable to ponder on. I pondered on just how many times I could use the word ponder in a single paragraph. The answer is sixteen, by the way.

However, when pondering ponderables, one can never stop at a single ponder. Crap! I’m stuck. This is getting nasty. I have to get out of this ponder loop. Icka, Icka, Icka. I will not say ponder. I will not say ponder. Okay I’m good.

Pondering sea life

The truth is I was pond… thinking about the world, and came up with some amazing thoughts. (I think I beat it now) I was thinking about ocean life, and how cool it is. There are a million varieties of fish, but… Boring. I’m talking about all the cool stuff. Like anemones for instance. Did you know that anemones can reproduce three different ways? They can have sex, they can, not have sex, or they can just have a baby grow out of their side. Also, they manage all this without dinner and drinks. What a time saver. Saves time and money.

Then there’s seahorses. They reproduce in reverse. The females go to a club or bar, dance a bit, then gives some random guy a dozen eggs and shouts, “Later dude. Don’t call me”. The weird thing is he doesn’t make an omelet with those eggs. He sticks them in his pocket, then nine months later babies show up. Of course, after they show up, he abandons them, never changing a single diaper. I mean, he is a guy after all.

There are also manatees. It seems at some time in the evolutionary scale they were walking around on land and decided the neighborhood sucked. It was probably because the dinosaurs controlled the government, and were forcing them to work as servants because the predators had such short arms. Finally, after uncle Charlie accidentally got his head bitten off, they decided, “To heck with all this”, and went back to the ocean. A couple of million years later, they grew fins, started eating sea grass, and were mistaken for mermaids by a bunch of extremely lonely seamen. I mean those things are ugly, but when you’ve been at sea a long time, lots of things start looking good. But I digress.

Octopi in government

Octopuses are captivating as well. They have no bones, and can sneak into the tiniest cervices. That ability would be super handy when my wife gets mad at me for all the stupid stuff I do. This happens quite a lot. I could hide in the smallest holes and wait there until she cooled off.

Octopuses are also supposed to be highly intelligent. Scientists know this because they have run numerous tests, and the fact that octopuses never run for government. I supposed they get asked to, by the various political parties, on a regular basis. Naturally they always refuse, because octopi live by a simple rule. If you’re smart enough to be good in government, you’re smart enough to avoid it like the plague.

They say dolphins are intelligent as well, and of course, they don’t run for government either. Then again you could say all sea creatures are smart if that’s the only criteria. I say nay, nay. There’s been several slimy things from the ocean’s bottom who have done very well in politics. Why there have even been a few whales who made it all the way to the white house. Ba Dum Chzzz.

Marine biology

Actually, this isn’t supposed to be a political post, but I liked the whale joke. So, I went with it. In truth my son is studying marine biology in college, and he keeps bringing these interesting facts to me. It seems that’s what college is all about; Interesting facts. This worries me as a father.

 I asked him what he was going to do with a bachelor’s degree in marine biology. His answer was direct and to the point, “I’ll get a master’s degree.” Skipping past the question which would have him telling me he was getting a PhD, I asked what he was going to do after all the college. He told me he would probably teach marine biology to other students. I was astounded.

Figuring it all out

After a very confusing hour-long conversation I finally figured it all out. It seems there are about fifty trained marine biologists for every job. Next, I found out that marine biology is not about studying life in the oceans. It’s about asking the federal government for money. They do go out and look at fish for a while each year, but for nine months, they spend their time writing grant requests. You don’t even have to go to school. If you can write a convincing request saying you’re looking into why brainless sponges do so well in congress. Congress will send you money. It’s quite amazing.

Of course, you have to write the grant well, and use big words like Echinodermata Camarodonta. That’s marine biology speak for sea urchins. This is why you need that PhD. So you can speak the language well enough to confuse the government to send you money. Personally, I can’t see why everyone and their brother wants to do it. But they do.

Therefore, as my son describes it, “Marine biology is a very lucrative career path, as long as you don’t do anything which has to do with marine biology.” Since so many make that choice, he’ll make a ton of cash keeping students happy, while training them for an illustrious career in flipping burgers. This is smart. I never realized he was that intelligent.

New jobs

It really makes you think. I learned very early, the way to become a comedian is to look in the mirror and say, “I am a comedian.” Then you go out and get work. It doesn’t always work out. In fact, it works out very rarely, but you are a comedian, and no one can take that away.

So, today I announce to the world that I am a marine biologist. Heck, while I’m at it, I’ll say I’m a movie producer. I have no training for that either. Maybe I’ll make movies about marine biology. That’s an idea. All I need to do now is to write up a grant request.

A grant letter

Dear Grant People,

Send me lots of money because of odontodactylus scyllarus. I may need as much as a million dollars due to the hapalochlaena mollusca. (That’s good but I better put something in about filming) I intend to prove that the clapper stedicam will only breed under conditions of gaffer grips during a hot set. (This is turning out great, but I’d better mention climate) Remember that climate change will be severely impacted if this study is not done. (Notice I didn’t say which way it was impacted. That way they can think anyway they like.)

Thanks, and send lots of money,

Signed, Mr. Ohh!