Bard Windows

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? No, I guess I won’t. Because around here, summer days really suck. I mean they’re hot, muggy, and full of bugs. Then again what did old Shakespeare know about women. How else do you explain the fact, he lived in London and his wife lived in Stratford on Avon a hundred-five miles away? On the other hand, maybe a lot.

There’s also the title of bard everyone uses. Not many folks know this, but BARD is actually an acronym given to Willy by the ladies in Elizabeth’s court. It stands for Bald and Really Disgusting. If that’s not the description of a married womanizer, whose wife is out of town, while he’s out on the prowl, I don’t know what is.

So now you know, all Wild Bill was saying in Sonnet Eighteen when he compared women to a summer’s day was, he thought they were hot. I can dig that. Then again, if London is anything like it is here, perhaps he felt they were buggy as a Microsoft operating system. What a male chauvinist. Boy the things you learn with Mr. Ohh! around. It’s truly amazing.

OK boys Ceaser

However, lend me your ears I come to bury Shakespeare not to praise him. Actually, I didn’t come to bury him either. Although, it was fun to paraphrase the line from Julius Ceaser. For me to bury Shakespeare, I’d have to dig up what remains of him first, and that would be really icky. Then there’d be that whole crowd of folks who’d object to the digging up process, and want to kill me. It all just gets too messy, and frankly, wouldn’t get me any closer to the point at all.

The thing is, I just read an article that states Shakespeare was probably a tomcat on the prowl. If that’s the case, he most likely didn’t write his hundred-fifty-four sonnets to be accurate representations of women, as much as he was trying to seduce them. You probably knew this, but it sounds highly intelligent and felt really good to say. Kind of like Old Willy’s poetry.

A single batch a lore

The thing is guys are different. Some are bachelors on the prowl, and some are just single. Others are married guys who think it’s cool to chase girls anyway. That’s just sad. The less said about them the better. Then again, I just spent a bunch of time on Shakespeare, and he’s in the last group, but he’s dead, famous, and highly educated people talk about him every day. So, I guess, he’s okay. But the rest of them, not so much.

Right now, most of you are thinking, “Hang on a second, I was sure there were more snacks than that in the cabinet!” Sorry, you finished them the other day during the game. Now that we’ve got that taken care of, you can better focus on my post.

Most folks say that a single-guy is a bachelor. Nope! That is myth, perpetrated by people who want you to believe it. Single-guys are transient and clueless. Whereas bachelors are stable and move with purpose.

TV has got it wrong

Just look at that popular TV show. They don’t call it ‘The Single-Guy’for some very good reasons. Single-guys wouldn’t know where to buy long stemmed roses let alone be able to afford to give them away at parties. Bachelors are the ones who date six women a week. They save Wednesday nights for poker with other bachelors. This is why even though bachelors have great jobs, neither group ever has any money.

Single-guy apartments are never decorated as well as houses you see on TV. Bachelors have art hanging on the walls. Single-guys have posters they bought at Walmart. Funny thing though, both are prints of half-naked, busty women. Although, I think single-guys win in this contest.

I remember when I was single, I had a poster of Jessica Rabbit. My bachelor friend had a numbered framed print of the original concept art of her. He paid five-hundred-dollars, and I paid a buck and a half. Years later, after marriage, my first son tore mine, and I took it down. His daughter tossed baby food at his and it cost a hundred-fifty to have it restored. He was so upset, he put it in the attic. His wife gave it to me. It now hangs in my basement. The single-guy won!

No not TV

Another thing, if the show was called The Single-Guy all those girls would be in for some new taste treats. When a bachelor cooks for his date, he uses a wok, Asian peppers, and secret ingredients. When a single-guy cooks, he uses boxed Mac-N-Cheese. A single-guy rarely even knows what the word ‘ingredients’ means.

With most of the single-guys I’ve met, only own one fork, and eat straight out of the pot. No plate required. Can you imagine the episode toward the end of the series, where the guy cooks dinner for three beautiful girls? Can’t you just see him bringing a steaming pot to the table saying, “Here it is ladies. I spared no expense. It’s Kraft! I hope you brought a fork along with your appetites.” At the next rose ceremony every girl who gets one will scream, “Ah Shit! I’m still in.”

Talk like an Egyption (better than talking like a single guy)

Then there’s the big difference between bachelors and single-guys when it comes to conversation. I have seen both sides of this coin up close. A bachelor can speak on many subjects. Like Mr. Ohh! he can quote Shakespeare, talk of the theatre, and nature. Perhaps, if you find the right one, he can even dance. Ladies, if you find a bachelor who can dance, never let him go, because there aren’t many of them. And they’re more endangered than Amur Leopards! But I Digress.

A single-guy can speak of video games. Now, I’m a huge supporter of geek culture, but frankly once you’ve heard G’raha Tia defeated the Aincients, in all its unholy detail, for the seventh time, you don’t need to hear it again. Yes, it takes an hour to tell the tale, but it doesn’t make for good television.

Of course, if they wanted really great television, it would be so cool if in the middle of the single-guy battle story the Super-Model-Girlfriend totally geeked out and screamed, “Well yea, that was great, but Thancred has a much better weapon.” Then the two of them would continue in a language no one in the audience would understand. It may not get the best ratings, but it would give nerds around the world something to hope for. I’m just saying.

Don’t worry, the floor will stop you

The last thing I want to say that’s different about single-guys versus bachelors is furniture. Bachelors spend time, researching, looking at, and purchasing furniture. Single-guys don’t. it’s not that they don’t do the research, they just don’t have the furniture. As long as a single-guy has a TV, a mattress, and a floor he’s good. Then again with the internet the way it is he doesn’t need the TV anymore; he can stream on his phone.

I was a single-guy once. It was a simpler time. And a whole lot stupider. Thank heavens I’m married.

My wife told me to say that.